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The Final part of my “Most Attainable Starlets” takes us to the the 2000’s. Crazy times. Check out the ladies that made my cut! If you missed the first two, check out the 80’s here and the 90’s here.
1. Meltdown Britney Spears
Remember these times? Oh they were great. Britney was ending her marriage, was losing custody of her kids to her loser seeming husband and she really just went off the rails. Earlier she married that George character from Seinfeld. Remember that? Mother fucking Jason Alexander. Who knew he was hip with the ladies?
Now, you weren’t gonna get “Oops!’ Brit, but you might have been able to get her on her way down. Still Britney Spears! Great story for the grandkids! “One night grandpa was clubbin’ Hollywood and this bald chick walked in with an umbrella…”
2. Meltdown Lindsay Lohan
Right there with Britney, was Lindsay Lohan. Rehab. Drinking and driving. Just a real mess. I was in California during this time, watching a ton of Californication. My roommate told me that she thought that show was no way accurate. I used to tell her “It’s LA! Everyone fucks everyone!”. I was pretty certain that I would have a shot with Lindsay if we crossed paths having a smoke outside some Hollywood club. I am also pretty sure she was really into fat, artistic guys from the midwest. Mean Girls Lindsay wasn’t attainable, that was just for Fez, but when she was in melt down mode, getting arrested, maybe we all had a shot.
3. Reality Show Anna Nicole Smith
Again, PMOTY Anna Nicole? No way. Guess Ads Anna? Hell no. But reality TV show Anna? HELL YEAH! Hell, she got down with a guy on The Howard Stern Show who is pretty damn gross. Pretty sure, right place, right time, you getting up in her. Especially during that time, she was seriously druggin’ and that just helps your case when you looking to land someone typically out of your zone.
And she wasn’t all that bad looking during that time period. Looked good, was always horny and had excellent food choices available 24-7. BeefLoaf and I wax poetic about Anna Nicole all the time. A serious game changer for the guys who like some curves. She is a goddamn legend. #RIPIP
4. Bijou Phillips
She’s the one on the right. The one of the left is Rachel Minor, ex-wife of Macaulay Culkin, who I am sure was pretty attainable herself. But we’re talking about Bijou. Ever see Larry Clark’s Bully? Oh man, you really should if you liked Kids and enjoy a pretty graphic re-telling of a true story through the eyes of Mr. Clark. It’s got everything – Telly who gave everyone AIDS in Kids as a fake gang member, the fat kid from Mean Girls as the lackey cousin who loves Mortal Kombat and an alive Brad Renfro.
Now, Bijou plays a girl who is really into the sex in this movie. She’s a freak, but not half of the freak she is in real life. Her father is pretty out there, as was her mom, so much so when they split they were both found unfit to have custody. She was living alone by age 14, drinking and drugging. Lost her virginity to Evan Dando at 15 and hung with the Hilton sisters. 1st rehab at 17. She married Hyde from That 70’s Show, which is weird as he’s into Dianetics and rape (allegedly). I figure you provide some concrete foundation for this thing called life and she’d be all over you.
5. Amy Smart
Here’s the thing, Julie Harbor is a hell of a pull for Mox. And Beth was way outta Josh’s league. So that plays in all of our favor. She’s like a hotter, 2000’s version of Joey Lauren Adams. Ever see Crank? Fucking movie is ridiculous, but Jason Statham straight up bones her in the middle of Chinatown while everyone watches and cheers. And if that wasn’t the craziest thing ever, he bones her at a horse track in Crank 2, same reaction. You can find both those vids on YouPorn, so yeah.
Amy seems pretty easy going and doesn’t have any hangups on showing off her body in the movies. She also did voices for Robot Chicken. Does that transfer to her wanting to hang with you and eat cold pizza the morning after? Maybe. It’s worth a shot anyways.
So there you have it, 15+ girls from 3 decades that you might have had a chance with. Feel free to @ me with anyone that I missed. Baseball can’t get here soon enough.