The 5 – Most Attainable Starlets Of The 80’s

Our guy BeefLoaf likes to crack a whip here and there. Last week he was spouting off about the lack of blogs that we’d been writing. So he, in the best way he knows how, motivates us to do some work. He SHAMES us. Chorizy, growing up with the guy, is less swayed by big bro, but I always take my fake scolding. He tossed an idea out to me, based on something I say a lot, so enjoy!

The idea was to name the most attainable starlets. I immediately thought of porn, but those girls fuck for money, so if you pay up they all are sorta attainable. So my next thought was starlets from my childhood, which became decades. That is what I settled on. Enjoy the girls who made it seem like you could date them, yes you! Regular old you. This is the first part of a 3 part series.

1.Courtney Thorne-Smith

Summer School. Revenge Of The Nerds 2 / Nerds In Paradise. Plus she was on a shitload of TV series, Growing Pains, Day By Day, L.A. Law. What a blonde beauty. Always played the nice girl, throaty voice, and always seemed to have the control. Oh yeah.

So what makes her attainable? As Sunny, in Nerds 2, she is put out there to destroy the Nerds and keep them away from the hotel. But she jumps ship and joins the nerds in their pursuit of acceptance. Plus she drops a few, “hey I’m smart” lines that make you know she is about more than just a good looking guy. For sure had a shot with her.

2.Alyssa Milano

Really needs no introduction. There was just something about Alyssa Milano that made you think you had a chance. She was cool, didn’t seem as stuck up as Molly Ringwald or Winona Ryder, and seemed like she’d drink a beer or shoot some pool with ya. Maybe it was because she played a tomboy on TV and her dad was Tony Danza. Or what I first saw her in, Commando. Fucking loved that movie. Plus, 1994’s Embrace Of The Vampire, yeah buddy. That was awesome. My childhood came full circle.

I followed her on Twitter in my older years, and well, she really made me sad. She wasn’t how I thought she was all these years. Fuck you internet!

3.Elizabeth Shue

Yes. So much yes. In Karate Kid, she dumps the hot guy and actively pursues the new kid. Hope for all the small statured, hot headed kids. She is also cool, likes sports, arcades, and guys with goofy older Asian men friends. Plus she is totally fine with Daniel’s mom driving them on a date. Fucking hope springs eternal. The fact that she is easy on the eyes doesn’t hurt either.

4. Susan Ursitti

Yeah, that’s “Boof”. She stuck around a whiney, bitchy, hot head loser talking Michael J. Fox and made his whole life. She looks like a young Joan Jett, was nice to even take this wolf guy back after he was rude AF to her. She knew he was just going through a popular phase and would be back to the same old nerdy guy and waited it out. That’s a good lady.

Hell, I am even gonna throw Lorie Griffin in here too. She WANTED to fuck the Teen Wolf. That makes me think she wasn’t too hard to talk into some hand stuff. At the very least over the clothes action.

5. Nancy McKeon

Listen, Blair was crazy hot, but she wasn’t letting you do jack. No way she was into you, but Jo, oh Jo, she’d help ya change your oil and make out after. I know some of you are saying that Natalie or Trudy were the gimmies, but I think by far Jo would be a shocker, maybe even let you give her the shocker. Give her a Google too, Jo done held up. Hubba, hubba.

Up next, The 90’s.

-MSS

The 5 – Star Wars Bobbleheads

My homie MySoxSummer recently wrote about the 2019 White Sox giveaways, the one that stood out to me was the Star Wars bobblehead. It’s so damn generic. Last year, they did Hawk Solo which was kind of silly, but isn’t that what it’s supposed to be? The New Jersey Devils are doing a David Puddy bobblehead and I imagine it will be a hot item on eBay. So I decided to take a crack at some possible bobbleheads for Star Wars. Thanks to MySoxSummer for the assist on the pics.

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I have to kick it off with the new Hall of Fame inductee, Harold Baines. I love Harold, but he ain’t getting into the hall for his mobility. I mean, it’s not a statue of him on the concourse making a diving catch. So I say Harold Baines has C3PO written all over him.

Kittlebacca
For Chewbacca, I needed to think of a player who could not only rip someone’s arms off, but also someone who might actually do it. And if you have ever received a handshake from Ron Kittle, you’d know I’m right. I thought about Daniel Palka for this, but we already have an idea for him as the Hulk, so I didn’t want to cross universes.

Obi-Juan Uribe
Obi-Wan Kenobi was a legendary Jedi. And with the Jedi being so known for their use of light sabers, I had to think of a White Sox that was similarly well known for using their saber. There’s a reason Juan Uribe doesn’t wear a cup and that’s reason enough to pick him here.

Ozzie Calrissian
Now I know Beefloaf wants Tim Anderson to start sporting a sweet Billy Dee Williams mustache, but that has not yet happened. And until it does, Ozzie Guillen is my pick to be the coolest in the galaxy.

Yoda Moncada
I almost didn’t have a current player on here, but once I thought of Yoan Moncada as a little green guy, I couldn’t stop laughing. I imagined this something like Stewie Griffin on steroids but green.

Honorable mentions: Scotty Pods Racer, Admiral Konerkbar, FT2014HOF, Anakin LaRoche, Bobby Fett, and Luis Skywalker.

-Chorizy-E

The 5 – Most Attainable Starlets Of The 90’s

Part two of my “Most Attainable Starlets” takes us to the the 1990’s. This was some fun years. Check out the ones that made my cut!

1. Joey Lauren Adams

She dated fat Kevin Smith. For a long time. Nuff said.

2. Jennifer Love Hewitt

Ok, this deserves a story. J Love was a huge star back in the day and that for sure shouldn’t make her very attainable. But ya know what? She is bat shit crazy. Like for real. Here’s Rich Cronin’s story from Howard Stern –

Howard asked Rich about dating Jennifer Love Hewitt, so Rich replied that he met her at an awards show: “I decided to talk to her and she kept talking to me and talking to me.” Rich eventually flew out to LA for their first date (at Universal Studios) and she asked him to stay with her that first night: “She made me wear two condoms.” Rich laughed that Jennifer even gave him a ring: “She said, ‘Listen, I wanna marry you. We’re gonna be together forever.'” Later, Rich found out she gave the same ring to other guys as well.

It’s like the parting gift basket that Jeter used to give out to ladies. Except Jeter just wanted the girl to leave, J Love wanted every guy to fall in love with her. She’d be perfect for a quick “hit it and quit it” as I don’t think most people should marry crazy.

3. Alicia Silverstone

I know another huge star! But, she has a weakness. She’s vegan and she loves animals. Those are two huge things that you could use to your advantage to get close to her and make your move. Tell her your great vegan nachos recipe and introduce her to your shelter dog! Next stop, showing off your fabric seats in your Subaru.

Aside from those two things, she seemed really normal. Hung out with Liv Tyler and made some great videos for shitty Aerosmith songs. Made some great movie choices (The Crush, Clueless) and was even Batgirl! And she even was a love interest to Kevin on The Wonder Years. #Booya.

4. Tara Reid

Yup. Tara Reid. We didn’t know then what we know now, mostly how much of a mess she was. And it’s really hard for tigers to change their stripes. Maybe it’s her character in the Big Lewbowski, but I feel like if she was hammered and yearning, you might be able to get some action for 3 Marlboro Lights and a semi-warm can of Miller Lite. Hell, you might even be able to swing a 3-way if Natasha Lyonne happened to be there too and she needed cash to score.

5. Drew Barrymore

She’s had a rough go especially by this time in her life. Poison Ivy, Playboy, flashing Letterman. She can’t stay married for more than a year, and she married Tom Green. So she likes the funny guys! I think a couple one liners might appeal to her, as would just hanging out being cool. But not too cool, and you shouldn’t try too hard. Cause she’s Drew Barrymore, she’s a sensitive badass.

Up next, the 00’s.

-MSS

Mr Hand hands out blame

Let me start this article by saying I am a fan of the Chicago White Sox. The way I said that sounds like the beginning of an announcement at AA. This article serves not only as a way to explain the events of Tuesday but also a form of therapy.

I received a text around 11:45 last Tuesday morning announcing that Manny Machado was going to sign with the San Diego Padres. I immediately stopped what I was doing and began looking for information and updates about this. How could this be? The White Sox were really the only team at the proverbial table. I then read that Machado got 300 million for 10 years and I was stunned. Wasn’t this the going rate that EVERYONE knew at the beginning of free agency? That was only the beginning.

I was frustrated that the White Sox missed on this, but the next hour infuriated me, as it should EVERY White Sox fan. As soon as the news became public Kenny Williams was front and center in his golf cart for the media to begin questioning. As he sat there in his sun glasses, so you couldn’t see the shock in his eyes, he proceeded to say how if the
rumored numbers were true, 300 mil for 10 years, the White Sox could not meet that number. Further, they needed to have payroll flexibility so that they could pay players 6 and 7 years down the road. Needless to say, I am not going to comment on that ridiculousness of that last statement, but I am going to comment on the 300 million statement because it raises a couple of questions for me. The first question is if the going rate was 300 mil, which EVERYONE knew, and you couldn’t go to that number why were you involved in the first place? The second question I have relates to the
amount. Is there a cap for what the White Sox will spend? Fans were told for two years, by Rick Hahn, that when the time came the money would be there. Furthermore, at the winter meetings Kenny said how the entire rebuild was done for this free agent class. So, if everyone knew that the buy in to be “at the table” was 300 mil and this was the target of the rebuild all along why did they fail so miserably? Was this just a case of false hustle, eyewash?

Now let’s talk about the comment regarding paying players 6 or 7 years down the road. There is another contradiction with this. If you were SO WORRIED about paying players six or seven years down the road why would you offer Machado two option years, based on reaching 550 plate appearances, for 35 mil per year. This COMPLETELY contradicts your comment about paying players down the road and if you were so worried about paying those players does that mean you would play games with the AB’s so that the incentives were never reached?

Rick Hahn was then available to the media. Through a cruel twist of fate, he was actually available twice. He mentioned that there was not a “cap” per se on what could be offered and that they would be in there for the next one. Obviously, there was a cap because your boss said so and the news has since come out that the White Sox are out on Bryce Harper and stepped away from Marwin Gonzalez.

The White Sox may not want to hear this, but this has been a disaster of epic proportions. It has shown a couple of things. One, Rick Hahn and Kenny Williams are not on the same page, and two, someone lied. Fans were told that the money would be there, but it wasn’t. I could understand if it was a case where the number went above and beyond, but this number was known since the beginning of free agency.

I began to sense something was not right about a week after Soxfest when a friend of mine, Bill DeMantes, said something, which I previously wrote about, and I am afraid that the suspicion is true. They wanted the moral victory, not the actual one. This was eyewash, it was false hustle. You cannot say you were at the table when you missed SO BADLY. If this was the contract that he wanted it would have been signed, sealed, and delivered.

The White Sox Front Office has lost any semblance of trust in them. Fans will not believe a word they say because they lied, for lack of a better way to put it, for two years. When it came time to put up, they were outbid, outhustled, and outclassed by the San Diego Padres. I do not begrudge Machado for taking the money. Think about it, 250 mil guaranteed for eight years with options that may or may not be attainable, or 300 mil guaranteed for ten years with an opt out after five years. There really is no decision to be made there. Further, the Padres managed to deliver a little shot to the
organization that pains me but was rightfully deserved.

The days of me defending this organization are over. I will attend games, but the passion is gone. That’s what happens when you destroy the one thing fans had about this rebuild, hope. I hope the White Sox enjoy the even lower attendance. I hope they enjoy the cynicism and “yeah right” comments that will come with every move. And lastly, I cannot wait for the first time I hear Kenny or Coop do the attendance shaming act. The first thing I will ask them is “Where’s Manny Machado?”

-Pete Hand

WTF is Rick Hahn doing? Part 4

In this short series, yours truly, the BeefLoaf attempts to examine WTF Rick Hahn is doing with the White Sox? I’ll dig high and low (while possibly intoxicated) to try and decipher what is going on and also what alternate path I might take. BUT FIRST….the tale of the tape.

Rick Hahn

Rick_Hahn

Position: White Sox General Manager aka CEO and shit of the Rebuild

Education: Harvard, Northwestern, Michigan

Accomplishments: 2016 Hot Stove Champion; 2018 Payroll Championship Runner-Up

Likes: Corny Catch Phrases

BeefLoaf

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Position: 4th best blogger for Section 108

Education: BCA, DeLaSalle and Dominican University of Illinois (DUI for short)

Accomplishments: Not as fat as MySoxSummer

Likes: Turley Zins and Eggplant ParmBEFORE YOU CHECK OUT PART IV, CHECK OUT PART I AND PART II AND PART III

PART IV BEGINS……NOW!!!!

The Bullpen

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The back end of the bullpen is a spot where Rick Hahn did actually reinforce with some real parts, the trade for Alex Colome (basically a salary dump by the Mariners) and the free agent signing of Kelvin Herrera represent upgrades over the incumbents in the White Sox bullpen. I’m generally not a fan of paying market price for most of your high leverage bullpen innings, it seems like bad business, especially on a non-contending team. When these signings occurred, I gave them the tentative thumbs up of a “this seems ooooo-kay”. I have since changed my tune on that, but we’ll get to that shortly. I am not ready to jump to the conclusion that the White Sox bullpen is much improved over last season, Joakim Soria was terrific out there last year, Luis Avilan wasn’t too shabby either and the White Sox shed them in trades. The signings above represent a moderate improvement over two back-end options….well, and something else.

What about the prospects?

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Last year was a year in which we started seeing some of the fruits of Rick Hahn’s previous labor, Jace Fry and Aaron Bummer both showed reliable last year and a bunch of other young relievers, namely Ian Hamilton, Ryan Burr (who’s major league debut the 108ers saw in Detroit, he pitched mad af), Jose Ruiz, Thyago Vieira and Caleb Frare (the later tree cumming over in trades for Int’l Spending Cap $$$) debuted to varying results. WAIT!! Let’s clear something up that I have read everywhere, which is total bullshit. I have read that the White Sox couldn’t use their International $$$ to sign July 2 prospects. While it is true they were in the penalty and weren’t able to spend more than $300K on any individual prospect, they were still free to sign as many of those prospects as their cap would take on. That’s exactly what AJ Preller did, under similar penalty. It is unclear to me which is better, but to say the White Sox “couldn’t use the $$$” is total bullshit. Anywho, the future looks pretty bright in the bullpen, even if only Fry and another arm here (pick’em out of a hat, I hope it’s Burr, because I like watching angry mufuckaz pitch) make it, that’s a nizzz little start to a bullpen.

Who else?

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Be careful with Nate, he might break

Oh yea, Nate Jones, Juan Minaya and Dylan Covey are still kicking around here as well. They are a veritable wild card of potential outcomes, but Nate’s been really good in the past, Minaya has been mediocre and Covey has shown some upside, so it’s possible out of this group you get 1 dependable arm as well. That’s a really nice start to a bullpen, non-contending team or not.

Aren’t you forgetting a few people??

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Yes, but I am doing that on purpose, because I need to finish big and I don’t really know what to do with my hands right now. Okay, fuck it, let’s end this shit.

WTF is Rick Hahn doing?

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At first, I really wasn’t sure what Rick Hahn was doing and if I wrote this a month ago, I probably would’ve come to an entirely different fucking conclusion. Hahn is clearly BUILDING DEPTH in the bullpen. There, I said it. The signings to reinforce the back end of the bullpen not only make the 2019 team better, but they make the 2020 and future teams better. Yes, I actually see an effort by Hahn to squirrel away talent. Kodi Medeiros had to join the 40 man this year, but other promising bullpen arms that still aren’t on the 40 man roster include, former 1st round pick Zack Burdi, Tyler Johnson and Zach Thompson. This is not to mention any failed starters along the way that will end up converted. Hahn has clearly made a point of stocking up on bullpen arms to be able to withstand injury and prospect failure. This is how you build depth in a position. This is how you ensure that you have low cost internal options to fill in when players get hurt, are ineffective or move on in free agency. This is where you utilize your depth to trade a higher cost player of the same position for something else you need and fill in with your own on hand talent. The bullpen, along with the outfield both seem primed and ready for the next half decade, we’ll see if the rest of the organization improves along with it.

If you read through all 4 of these posts, I want to thank you for lending your weary eyes to look through my thoughts on the current roster. I’m skeptical, but optimistic that Rick Hahn will continue to look for improvements all across and not settle for thinking he did a good job a couple of winters ago by just starting this process, we are probably 40% of the way there, still A LOT to go.

-BeefLoaf

WTF is Rick Hahn doing? Part 3

In this short series, yours truly, the BeefLoaf attempts to examine WTF Rick Hahn is doing with the White Sox? I’ll dig high and low (while possibly intoxicated) to try and decipher what is going on and also what alternate path I might take. BUT FIRST….the tale of the tape.

Rick Hahn

Rick_Hahn

Position: White Sox General Manager aka CEO and shit of the Rebuild

Education: Harvard, Northwestern, Michigan

Accomplishments: 2016 Hot Stove Champion; 2018 Payroll Championship Runner-Up

Likes: Corny Catch Phrases

BeefLoaf

Position: 4th best blogger for Section 108

Education: BCA, DeLaSalle and Dominican University of Illinois (DUI for short)

Accomplishments: Not as fat as MySoxSummer

Likes: Turley Zins and Eggplant Parm

BEFORE YOU CHECK OUT PART III,

CHECK OUT  PART I AND PART II

PART III BEGINS……NOW!!!!

Starting Pitcher

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Starting pitching has undergone quite the transformation in MLB the last half decade or so, we’ve seen progressive teams use “The Opener” which is basically starting a solid relief pitcher, possibly with a platoon advantage and moving the conventional starter to the 2nd or 3rd inning. We’ve seen some of the same teams (and others) start to nip starters outings in the bud, but pulling them before they get to the dangerous (to some) third time through the batting order. The White Sox however, aren’t one of those teams. Now, they’ll couch it all in the guise of “development”, and that’s probably true, but since we are starting to get out of the other side of development for certain pitchers, we’ll start to be able to tell if good ole Ricky Rents has them tools in the tool shed.

Carlos Rodon

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Rodon has been basically a league average pitcher for his entire, injury riddled 4 year major league career and that’s been kind of a disappointment. The White Sox haven’t exactly helped him out over time, but regardless, the results are the results. If I were a betting man AND I AM, I’d bet Rodon breaks out this year. No, he won’t be a true ace, but he’ll soldier on, make ~30 starts and be above league average. Rodon’s lovely wife Ashley, who is one of the true joys of #WhiteSox twitter is pregnant with their first child and any of us who are dads, know that once it’s daddy time, you gotta get your shit together and it think Rodon finally will……….and then the White Sox will trade him.

Reynaldo Lopez

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Lopez had a quietly good year last season. I know his ERA was out ahead of his FIP (that’s a fancy stat to try and measure quality of pitching performance, its not perfect though as Bruce Rondon had a decent FIP last year…..)

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Projections for Lopez in 2019 seem to think he won’t be that good, but those who watched his last 7 or so starts of 2018 would probably think otherwise. Also, those that really dig in on pitching (Eno Sarris & Steve Stone to name a few) seem to think Lopez is pretty close to a real breakthrough. Regardless of which side you believe, his spot is secure and Hahn is correct to send him out there every 5 days and see what he’s got.

Lucas Giolito

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In the pantheon of Sophomore Slumps, few could match the horribleness of Gio’s 2nd year on the Southside. Usually they stop the fight before it gets as bad as it got, but the White Sox kept trotting him out there in the name of “Development”. Because of Gio’s former life in the nations capital, he only has 1 minor league option left. That, combined with the fact that Kopech, Cease and Dunning are coming hot and heavy for his spot (and two others spots) he needs to get his shit together right quick. I assume the White Sox are saving his final option in case they need it in 2020 to retool him into a reliever. Based on the current construction of this roster, the White Sox are trying about as hard as Chorizy-E in a company bowling tournament (which we won anyways), so no reason not to send him out there, whether or not he’s shitting his proverbial pants everywhere.

Ivan Nova

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Ivan Nova is Dominican for James Shields. He’s also #108thicc. Other than that, he’s hear to eat some innings. Not sure why ~160 IP would have to cost the White Sox $9M but Rick Hahn is a savvy negotiator. Regardless, he’ll be lumbering out to the bump every 5 days. Was this a good use of a roster spot on this team?? HELL NO!!! There isn’t a single solitary reason the White Sox shouldn’t have taken a gamble on something or someone with more upside. Shelby Miller signed with the Rangers for Michael Scott’s salary before Darryl helped him get a raise. Clay Bucholz is still out there Drew Pomeranz, Tyson Ross, etc. Truth be told, if they wanted to spend a little more money, JA Happ (although it seems he wanted his 39 yr old season to be secured, which seems a bit much) or Charlie Morton would’ve been good multi-year deals. I know the White Sox have a ton of pitching on the way, but Rodon is out in a few seasons, Giolito is barely a starting pitcher at this point and the payroll is so fucking tiny, is there any reason not to line up a decent starting pitcher for future years, or even just take a gamble on some low cost high reward lanzador. Increible. Hahn does some things that make me go hmmmm?

The 5th starter spot

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Manny Banuelos sounds like he should be involved in a dangerous and illegal carnitas deal with Chorizy-E and BeefLoaf.” I uttered those words on our podcast a few episodes ago. I took a look at Banuelos numbers in AAA in the PCL last year and they were pretty decent, plus he has pedigree, but the best part of the whole signing is that Hahn acts like he knows nothing about the guy. He keeps saying one of their scouts begged him to sign this guy, so he did. Which is the narrative I like. A solid chunk of the White Sox fan base paints Hahn as this genius, where the small majority of us left aren’t really sure he knows what he is doing, so this narrative is perfect. “I dunno, that guy told me to sign him, so I did.” This signing is Hahn channeling his inner Mr. Kruger. I LOVE IT!!

The rest of the crowd around the 5th starter spot is equally mysterious. I mean, they’ve been around the org, I’m just not really sure what any of them do well. Luminaries such as Jordan Stephens, Spencer Adams, Dylan Covey, Jordan Guerrero and Donn Roach provide a venerable barbershop quartet of potential options for the job that even Keyser Soze couldn’t sell you on. I actually don’t mind if one of these guys wins the job, it is possible that one of them pops and becomes, as they would say in a criminal investigation, A PERSON OF INTEREST. I would’ve loved to see the White Sox bring in someone else to challenge for this spot, maybe they still will. I just think that a rotation as clearly unsettled as this one should be lining up as many options as possible.

WTF is Rick Hahn doing?

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Not enough imo. You need TONS of starting pitchers! The good teams seem to know this, but the White Sox seem to oddly not get that. I don’t really like the idea of basically leaving two spots wide open for Kopech and Cease in 2020. NO, that’s not what I mean, of course if these dudes are healthy, they are in the rotation, but you don’t know if HURT or BAD or BOTH will happen to Lopez, Rodon, Giolito before you get to 2020, and there isn’t much else pitching coming short term. I guess you can hope Dane Dunning joins the group of hopeful 2020 starters, but having a staff full of basically rookies isn’t generally a recipe for success. Too much of this rebuild seems to be counting on LOTS of serendipity, without taking the appropriate steps to harness said serendipity. The 2019 staff should feature Rodon, Lopez, Gio, plus 3 additional arms (from outside the org) with future control that if one of them hits, you have found something great for the depth of the organization. Hahn added 1 of those, Banuelos. Friends, when you gamble on low probability events, you need to have lots of them to increase your chances of success.

-BeefLoaf