Lori’s gotta go and I’m here to help

I don’t really get into politics. Like not at all. I am sure I have some “political” opinions but those don’t tend to be hard and fast life rules for me, nor do they define the basis by which I would judge others. It’s just not how I really work. I prefer to give myself some leeway to judge things more fluidly and not be bound by the binary constructs of modern televised politics. However, just judging by the commentary from the public square known as Twitter.com, it appears to me that Lori Lightfoot is not favored by the commoners (ie, us, the people).

Don’t believe me? Take a look at the comments to that tweet above. It’s not pretty. I’ve lived through a fair amount of Chicago mayors, including a long term by Richard M. Daley and one thing Chicagoans always feel comfortable doing is blasting the current regime for their short-comings. This one just feels different though. In the past, you could always find a faction of people that would back up the current mayors decisions no matter how ridiculous and self-serving those edicts would be. Not this time. I think Lori materially not in favor with the people.

Picture Credit: Ashlee Rezin Garcia/Sun-Times file

So, let’s help Lori out. It’s a Chicago tradition to fail up. I like to call this the John Paxson Rule. I loved ole Pax as a player, less so as a basketball executive, but anytime it seemed he was primed to be fired, he’d get a promotion. You gotta love that! That’s where I come in helping our current mayor move on to greener pastures and freeing the people of her rule.

From NBA.com, fucking legendary bucket by John Paxson

Now, the key here is to find Lori a few new job options that would quantify “failing upwards”. Ie, something better than being mayor of the City of Chicago. Truthfully, I don’t think Mayor of Chicago is a great job, well, it can be, but you are going to have to stay awhile and work “the Machine” to make it as fruitful as possible. That ain’t happening here, so this shouldn’t be too painful an exercise, so, LFG!!!

Athletic Director at the University of Alabama

COLLEGE STATION, TEXAS – OCTOBER 09: Head coach Nick Saban of the Alabama Crimson Tide during warm ups before playing the Texas A&M Aggies at Kyle Field on October 09, 2021 in College Station, Texas. (Photo by Bob Levey/Getty Images)

The current Athletic Director job at Alabama is held by something called Greg Byrne. That’s why this is an amazing job! I couldn’t pick that fucking guy out of a lineup and I’m sure he’s making 7 figs on the strength of the guy up there in the picture, Nick Saban, basically running a pro-football club outta Tuscaloosa. What’s the job here? Collect checks and advise that Saban get a contract extension and a raise. Pretty easy, plenty of time to hops flights to Chicago and watch the White Sox. If she still wants to be a civil servant, this seems like an obviously good choice.

This guy’s entertainment agent

The man in the picture is Dale Brown. He does Self-Defense videos that you can find all over the internet. You have surely seen them and if you haven’t, you should spend the next 30 mins going down the wormhole. Now, the way I understand it, Mr. Brown’s videos are meant to be legitimate self-defense tactics, but they seem fucking hilarious. And the videos they have spawned on Tik Tok and Twitter are hella entertaining. I think this guy has a big future and Lori could be right there guiding the way. I mean, this video is just…OMG!

Drummer for the Rolling Stones


This position was recently vacated by the untimely passing of Charlie Watts. Look, I know the fraternity of drummers probably think Watts was a cool jazzy innovative drummer or something like that, but the Stones got a rote catalogue of songs that they are playing at this point and it really wouldn’t require writing any new material. Plus, the 2020 No Filter Tour earned $130.9 Million across 14 shows. Even if Lori would have to take less than a 1/5th share, that’s still a reasonable wage to earn in her new career as “former Chicago Mayor”.

CEO for Paycom

I’m sure some of you know about the company PayCom and most of yous don’t, however, according to CNN business, their CEO in 2020 Chad Richison, earned $200M in salary and stock awards. I’m sure that’s a tough job or whatever, but can’t be much tougher than having basically ever civil servant and every citizen in Chicago wanting you to pack your fucking bags and gtfo. Right? I think one could get by on a living wage like that CEO pay.

Got some ideas to help our mayor fail upwards and move along to her next endeavor, hit me up on twitter or wherever else you can find me.


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