Worst Gift Giver Ever

As we’re doing our 12 Days of Xmas, I thought it would be worth listening to the song, the 12 Days of Christmas.  And low and behold, I came across the worst gift giver in the history of gifts.  Now I know this song is like 200 years old, but I am still very skeptical of this list:

1 Partridge in a Pear Tree
2 Turtle Doves
3 French Hens
4 Calling Birds
5 Gold Rings
6 Geese a-Laying
7 Swans a-Swimming
8 Maids a-Milking
9 Ladies Dancing
10 Lords a-Leaping
11 Pipers Piping
12 Drummers Drumming

So let’s break this down.

5 Gold Rings

This almost sounds like a good gift, but your true love just gave you FIVE gold rings.  Unless you’re Mr T, there is no damn way you would want/need 5 gold rings.  Your reaction to getting this many gold rings would be similar to getting a game worn Derrick Rose Knicks jersey.  You’d think, wow this is nice but I won’t wear this, I don’t want this, and this was probably more money than you should have spent for something that is total bullshit.

So Many Birds

Look, I am sure there are people that give each other pets for Christmas and I have no problem with that.  I imagine as a child, getting a puppy for Christmas would be amazing.  But this is 23 birds!  Even if I slaughter and eat the delicious ones, I still have like 14 birds I have to care for.  This isn’t a gift, this is the aviary from the zoo and now I am in charge of it.  What I did notice was that Christmas marketing is nothing new.  Calling pigeons “turtle doves” is the pet rock of the 1700s.

Human Gifts

Unless your “true love” is a Libyan slaver or the boyfriend in a gangbang vid, they should not be gifting you 50 people.  Although if it’s the latter, the 11 Pipers Piping finally makes sense.  But seriously, what kind of gifts are these?  12 Drummers Drumming is not a gift, it’s an eviction notice.  10 Lords A-Leaping?  Even if that is not Vice-Lords, it’s still terrifying.  And for 8 Maids A-Milking I have to paraphrase Wayne Campbell and say, I don’t even have A COW let alone many cows that would necessitate in 8 maids a-milking.

To sum this up, your “true love” is a psychopath.  This list is milk steak and denim chicken short of being a Charlie Kelly scribbling.  If your true love or actually anyone you know thinks these are solid Christmas gifts, you should probably get them to a psychiatric clinic as soon as possible.

-Chorizy-E

Leave a Reply