Welcome to another day of holiday goodness! Recently Chorizy put out this tweet –
My guy Matt Crawford responded with this –
I felt it was my duty to review this movie. If you’re not familiar with Jack Frost (1997) first off congrats! I barely remembered it and I was watching movies back in 1997. Another reason might be that in 1998 another Jack Frost was released that starred Michael Keaton as a dad who I think dies in a car accident and his spirit inhabits a snowman. Not 100% sure about that, as I refuse to watch that movie, I just watched the trailer. Now the 1997 version is similar but the spirit that inhabits the snowman is a homicidal maniac that promises to kill the whole town if he ever get’s out of prison. His name is Jack Frost and he’s a punny bastard who has received the death penatly.
On the night he’s supposed to be executed of course it is snowing balls. Jack’s in the back of the prison van all tied up. Anyways, the van ends up crashing head on into a truck from a genetic research company. HOLY SHIT! Jack get’s out of the van and is looking to kill the driver, but he get’s hit by a vat of genetic goo and he melts down into a gooey, bloody mess!
Then he falls into a pile of snow an the molecules join with the snow and he becomes a snowman. Dude rolls out and that’s when the real fun begins.
There’s a snowman building competition in the small town and that’s when a pre-American Pie Shannon Elizabeth shows up to tell Tommy she wants to hang out later. Of course she’s all hot to trot with so they make plans to bone later, which never seems to end well in a slasher flick. But then something happens that changes the whole movie…
Old Man Harper gets killed! I don’t know about you but the name Old Man Harper doesn’t make me think the guy was in the best of health, but apparently he was killed by an unknown drifter. Now the townspeople get all mad and want to kill this drifter but the sheriff calms them all down, kinda. Now, the sheriffs kid is a weird ginger kid, reminds me of an uncool Brew Hand Luke. Well, the killer snowman ends up in the sheriffs yard and the weird ginger kid gives him a face and a mouth. Well guess who shows up next? THE TOWN BULLY.
So this fuck gives the weird ginger kid a real hard time for “being in the way”. And while doing so, he knocks the head off the snowman. Oh fuck, that seems bad, and well, it is. The snowman shoves the bully just as his bud goes by on their old timey sleds with the metal rails. And guess what happens?
So the kill total is at 2. Of course the bully’s father is all like “Your fucking goddamn ginger kid has been touched by the devil. He killed my son!’ But the ginger kid says the truth, it was the fucking snowman. If only people would have listened.
Now, the dad is understandably upset as his son was just fucking decapitated by a sled. But this guy is next level angry and Christian. His lovely wife is trying to move on with her life as is his daughter who really isn’t concerned that her dickhead bully brother was just killed. Of course he calls his daughter a whore (but in a nice way “lady of the night”) and just get’s all angry. At this point I am rooting for the snowman to roll his frozen ass in the house and make some fucking people bleed…..
So the dad goes outside and well lookie who’s out there….
To quote the ‘Loaf, “This seems ungood”. And yep, it’s ungood.
So far I am on board with all of the snowman’s kills. But like every good killer, you can’t leave witnesses. So the nice wife has to die. So while some shitty xmas background music plays, she is beat to fuck by a snowman.
You can get kinda get what is happening here, the town is getting picked off 1 by 1. All because the goddamn sheriff did his fucking job. Guess who shows up? The fucking FBI, wanna know why? Because the goddamn genetic testing place was playing games with DNA and whatnot and there is some mad scientist thing going on. Now, the FBI isn’t actually FBI, but nevermind that. They get some evidence collected and figure out that snowman can melt then refreeze whenever it wants. Well, fuck that is also ungood.
A cop dies next and Shannon Elizabeth is just too damn horny (ya know her brother died like 5 hours ago, that really get’s the ladies wet in the pants)so they go to the sheriffs house to do the nasty. Why the sheriffs house? I have no fucking idea. But I am 100% with the guy going for it anyways, I mean it’s Shannon Elizabeth and she wants to fuck, I think you just do whatever the fuck she says TBH. And this is the best scene in the whole fucking movie…
They are all horned up and the song “12 Days of Xmas” comes on and they start to strip. But because they are in BFE (butt fuck egypt) and it’s cold as fuck they have about 17 layers on. To me that’s just hilarious. So they get down to their long underwear and Shannon Elizabeth says you need to make me a big fire and get some wine. Which my guy Tommy does. But then it happens…
Snowman shoots some ice into this dude and he dies, presumably with blue balls. Now it’s Shannon Elizabeth’s turn…
Now, she blow dries her wet hair and then decides “What the fuck, we’re in someone else’s home, bout to bang it out on the couch or rug, you know what I need to do? TAKE A FUCKING BATH.” Holy fuck. So you watch her undress and get into the bath. SPOILER ALERT – THERE IS NO NUDITY.
We all know what happens next……
While taking care of snowman “sexy business” he smashes her head into the wall multiple times until she is dead. This is now the 2nd kill I don’t agree with, especially since she didn’t deserve to die like that. Being fucked to death by a killer snowman sounds as awful as it looks. He even makes a joke about Xmas coming early, eww. RIP Shannon Elizabeth.
Now there’s a big winter storm coming (of course) so backup isn’t an option. Now, the snowman comes back to the station to kill all these motherfuckers, the fuzz and the fake FBI guys. The big city guys don’t know how to stop this guy, so leave it to the small town folks to figure how to stop this asshole….
Yep, fucking hairdryers. They get him to the basement of the station and push him into the boiler. Game over right? WRONG! Boilers make STEAM, so now this mofo came right the fuck back…
And now he has some wicked teeth!
The death march isn’t over……yet. Now this is where it get’s crazy. The snowman invades the car the weird ginger kid and his sheriff dad are in. While escaping, the dad tosses this oatmeal snack (that his weird ginger kid made him at the beginning of the movie) onto the snowman. And well that shit starts to melt the fuck outta the snowman, so the dad is like “What did you put in the oatmeal?’ The kid goes “I didn’t want you to get cold, so I put Anti-Freeze in it.” HOLY FUCK. Now, my kids might have access to tons of bad shit, but anti-freeze? No fucking way. Plus maybe the bully’s dad was right, maybe the hand of satan did touch this ginger. Anyways, now they know how to kill him…..
Between bad puns and jokes, it’s fucking on. The sheriff taunts the snowman while the local shopkeep goes to fill the back of his truck with anti-freeze. Pretty inventive way to do some killing, seems like they could have done it much easier with a super soaker or some shit but I digress. Anyways, the sheriff lures the snowman up to the 2nd story of the hotel and smashes him out of a window into the truck bed filled with anti freeze. Game over right? NOPE.
They leave ya with a bottle of anti-freeze singing Xmas tunes and there’s a part 2. I won’t watch till next year as I no doubt will need to do this blog series again. So tune in next year for that masterpiece….
Would I recommend this movie to anyone? Absolutely not. It was awful and there was no nudity. I was sold on there being weird snowman sex + nudity, and there was none so I was kinda bummed. If you are looking to see some prime Shannon Elizabeth, check out the classic American Pie. Happy Holidays!
If you wanna watch the whole movie, it’s availabe here, on YouTube for free.
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