The 5 – Best Shape of Their Lives

Whenever the MLB returns from an off-season, we hear the same bullsh*t line about some player: “he’s in the best shape of his life.” With a slim, slim chance of baseball coming back in the near future, I don’t think players will be in the best shape of their lives. So instead, I want to make wild guesses at how some players will come back. Join me please.

Most roided out of his life

I actually predicted this one earlier in the shelter in place, but I have this funny feeling that Chris Davis is using roids and/or HGH at Bash Brothers-esque levels. Davis was a monster at one point in his career and after a PED (amphetamines) suspension, he’s just never come back to form and according to BeefLoaf’s chart, his contract is not exactly “team friendly.” So let’s see him come back like the prison version of Bill S Preston Esq and Ted Theodore Logan.

prison version of Bill S Preston Esq and Ted Theodore Logan

Tallest of their lives

Man, I wish I were writing this about Nick Madrigal. Instead, the left side of the Blue Jays infield Vladimir Guerrero Jr. and Bo Bichette have had incredible, Scottie Pippen like later than usual growth spurts. Clocking in at 7’0″ and 6’11” respectively, they are basically the late 90s early 2000s Spurs. We’ll have to see how the wingspans of these two giants work out in the field.

Tim Duncan and David Robinson late 90s early 2000s Spurs

Most lethal of his career

Feeling a need to expand his skillset to keep his career going, after a late night viewing of Necessary Roughness, Gordon Beckham decided to use his time off to get deep into the world of mixed martial arts. If you’re gonna slide into second base to break up a double play, you best not try to sweep the leg on Gordon. You’ll very likely end up on the 60-day DL, and in the 27 game season the owners want, that’ll end your season.

Necessary Roughness mixed martial arts

Most right handed of his career

What should have been a mundane Facebook post, a pic of MySoxSummer that we re-ran caught the eye of friend of the 108: T.J. McFarland. The initial thought of adding an eephus pitch from the right side seemed like a fever dream. But with time to kill and with the encouragement of other friend of the program, Evan Williams, T.J. mastered it. Now a dual threat on the mound, we’ll see what this season brings. We know the A’s are down with this type of thing.

Oakland A's Amphibious Pitcher

Most rotund of his life

This might be the one I want to see the most. I thought about a player that might take the off-season differently than the rest of the players. A player that might bet on the season not happening and just take it easy. This kind of counter-culture thinking would seem to belong to one Zack Greinke. Now look, just adding a couple of LBs is not gonna be enough here. I want at a minimum, Matt ‘El Niño’ Albers. I want a no facial hair, sweat glistened mound of man on the mound.

Matt 'El Niño' Albers

-Chorizy-E

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