Chorizy’s Mascot Assistant Job Application

If you don’t pay attention to the job openings within the White Sox organization, you probably missed the posting for a Mascot Assistant.  You should definitely apply, but know you will be going head to head with me, Chorizy-E for the job.  My application is below just to intimidate you further.  Not to mention, Southpaw and Beefloaf are pals.


  • Assist in the coordination and execution of Southpaw’s event activations. This includes, but is not limited to: Chicago White Sox home games, White Sox-related events, and Corporate Partner activations.

I’m not sure what Southpaw’s activations are, but let me just tell you that I’m not above being a fluffer.  In my younger days, times were tough and you take what jobs you can get.  So I have a bit of experience in “activations”.

  • Responsible for coordinating Southpaw’s school shows.
  • Emcee Southpaw’s school shows.

I used to work “Fashion” Shows at a bar on Lake Street back in the day.  I mainly bar backed, but one time when the DJ had a weird throat infection, I had to emcee.  I assume school shows are about the same thing.

  • Set up and break down mascot equipment for games and events.

I used to work merch for Pigface and Dope back in the day and they had elaborate setups.  I can definitely do the same with mascot gear.

  • Work alongside the Mascot Coordinator to oversee a successful partnership between the White Sox and independent event organizations.

I assume this is similar to Sluggerr’s handler in KC.  I’ve done some research on that and I’m definitely the guy for the job.

  • Act as the on-site liaison at Southpaw’s activations.

On-site liaison, I dig.  If there is one thing I am good at, it’s scoring you whatever you need.  Just no meth, we don’t need Southpaw’s fur getting all patchy and shit.

  • Speak to guests and fans for Southpaw during in-game visits and appearances.

I love talking with people, especially after a solid 6-10 Modelo tall boys.  I mean, I already do this at a majority of Southpaw’s appearances.

  • Be in suit for appearances as seen fit by the Mascot Coordinator.

I have what Sir Mix A Lot would call a juicy double, but if I can squeeze it into those tight uniform pants I’ll definitely throw on the big green head too.


  • College degree in Marketing, Performing Arts, or other related field.

Surprisingly I have a college degree.

  • Effective communication skills, both oral and written.

Are you reading this shit?  Yeah, pretty obvious I got skillz.

  • 1 year game presentation or performance experience in dance; performance or acting training is highly preferred.

Nuff said

  • Due to costume restrictions, ideal height range is 5’8″ to 6’0″.

5’9″ but Husky sized pants

  • Strong organizational skills; must be able to multi-task.

Quadruple fisting is no problem

  • Previous mascot experience in college or another professional capacity.

I have no mascot experience, but this is a ridiculous request since you don’t require experience to manage the actual team.

  • Must have strong interpersonal skill with the ability to work with multiple departments and initiatives

I’ve yet to be kicked out of a Sox game despite extreme intoxication, so yeah, I’ve worked with most departments in the org without incident.

  • Must be comfortable speaking in public as an emcee with ability to be spontaneous when interacting with a crowd.

Happy to spread the gospel according to Chorizy

  • Event management experience is preferred

I assume you’ve already heard about the FromThe108/SoxOn35th tailgates.

  • Must be available to work nights and/or weekends as dictated by the game/event schedule

I’m already at the games.  As long as drinking and occasionally passing out is cool.



Leave a Reply