The 2018 White Sox season is over. Checking some social media accounts, it seems to be pretty awesome for some players. But our guy Daniel Palka is gonna be bored fam. I know it. A guy built to just crush stuff get’s bored when he can’t crush stuff. I decided to come up with a little list of things he could consider doing in the offseason.
5 – Help his brother’s landscaping company by chopping down trees.
Dan’s brother runs a landscaping company in Nantucket. Yep Nantucket, from all the dirty ass limericks. It’s a pretty fancy place and Matt helps keep it beautiful. I am sure he’ll need help coming up soon and who better to remove trees that a guy who swings a bat at speeds unknown to most men. Dan is cleaner running that any chainsaw and I am guessing way more efficent. Plus I know the ladies of the 108 wanna see Dan in a flannel, swinging an axe in freshly fallen snow. Make it happen fellas.
4 – Watch My Kids.
I mean who wouldn’t wanna trade a fun filled lifestyle for 2 sweet girls that smile all the time? Little Miss Shortstop says you are her 2nd favorite player behind Tim Anderson, so that should help you get her to eat her damn peanut butter sandwich. She is also almost potty trained so that is a huge plus. Less diapers! Chasing after her day in and out I am pretty sure is equivalent to running after chickens so you can gain that speed you might need in right field in 2019.
Also, for selfish reasons, I kinda need a break to explore some 108 avenues that I can’t really do with 2 kids. So you would be doing the world a favor by raising the younger generation and helping get the 108 bigger and bigger. Seems like a win win. So what’s in it for you?
Well, you can eat anything in the fridge you want. We have premium cable. We have a CostCo membership so we are always flush with awesome snacks too. I have a really nice chair that is great for napping during the 3rd episode of Paw Patrol after a long night of #108ing with the boys. Anything else? I will even pay you cash, thinking $10 and hour if you do chores while the girls sleep, which is always great. We even have an extra room you can stay in to save money on rent, but that would negate the $10 an hour. We ain’t made of money sir.
3 – Start an Air Mail Delivery Service.
Fuck drones, we want Dans. Can we create a “Palka Smash Proof” container to protect your valuables while Dan swings away and sends a package your way? I don’t know, we got electric cars and we went to the moon so anything is possible in my eyes. Can you send messages? Yes. Can you send a pizza? No. I think it would be limited to size of item, maybe fit inside a baseball, but distance would be no issue at all. The guy crushes balls. Plus the novelty of having Palka deliver your wedding ring to your wife while you are at dinner, on the couch, whenever, would far outweight the costs to replace the window he just broke.
2 – Create your own peer to peer driving service.
Don’t like the politics behind Uber or Lyft? Are you a big White Sox fan? Would you pay extra to get driven to work by Palka? OF COURSE YOU FUCKING WOULD. How badass would it be to have some clubhouse chat with your favorite 2018 Breakout Star Daniel Palka while you are in the back of a Nissan Altima ? Pretty fucking #Dope right? I thought so.
If this goes well, you could get some some of the other guys on board to join Palka’s crew! How great would it be to have Yoan Moncada pick you up and you can both complain about how the ups fuck him over every chance they get! Or talk to Adam Engel about all the homers he has robbed. Or even Yolmer Sanchez. You could get into his ride and tell you all about keeping it fun.
1 – Whatever he did last offseason cause it fucking worked.
The best idea behind watching my kids. Let’s be honest, after such a dismal season one of the bright points was watching this kid crush balls, talk shit on his teammates and give the best damn interviews since Brian Wilson. Palka > Wilson though as Dan is way less creepy than Brian. Why did this happen? I have no idea. I don’t know his offseason workout plan. And that is how it should be, secret. We don’t need multiple Palkas out there, especially in the AL Central.
Keep doing what you are doing Dan, cause it fucking worked in 2018. You made our year in the 108, and we loved help spreading the Gospel of Palka across the internets. Thanks for making #108ing legit and for just being you sir. We can’t wait for SoxFest and the 2019 season. Gonna be full of Palka and that is how it should be.