This is the first part of a multi-part series in which I woo venture capitalists to put up the money for the 31st MLB team. If you’re not a venture capitalist and you don’t want to give me a dump truck full of cash, you can still read on.
Now, as you know, there are a ton of free agents still out there. So let’s see if we can put together an actual major league team. And not a bullshit Major League 3: Back to the Minors team. Let’s go:
Jonathan Lucroy and Geovany Soto are gonna man this position. Obviously Lucroy is the starter as he’s just younger and better. I know Carlos Ruiz is out there, but he’s older than me so I’m not gonna trust him to crouch behind the plate more than 5 or 6 times in a season. This is a good start. Two actual players that might actually still be able to play.
UPDATE: Fuck, we have to pick up Carlos Ruiz now. Have fun with the A’s Jonathan
There are definitely some guys here that are surprisingly still available. The most exciting thing is that we’ve found a home for Mike Moustakas. But let’s round out the infield with Neil Walker at 2B, J.J. Hardy at SS, and Mark Reynolds at 1B. We’ll throw Yunel Escobar in as our utility man. We’ve got some pretty good players and at the corners a lot of power and a shitload of strikeouts. So far so good.
UPDATE: Well, the NYY grabbed Walker, so now we need to slot in Peralta at 3B and Phillips at 2B
This is where things get sketchy. Let’s fill in the corner OF spots first. Let’s put Carlos Gonzalez in RF and Melky Cabrera in LF. Feels good so far. But let’s look at CF. With Jon Jay coming off the board, we’re left with very little as far as guys who can not look like Kyle Schwarber out there. I’m gonna go with Drew Stubbs mainly because I think it’s an awesome name. He sounds like he should play guitar in a blues band, but instead he’s just a bad CF. Franklin Gutierrez will be our 4th OF. I’ve drafted him in about 100 different fantasy leagues over the years and I am always disappointed, so why stop now.
UPDATE: Well, Cargo is gone, so this outfield is gonna continue to get worse defensively with the addition of Jose Bautista. Joey Bats better bring the lumber.
Matt Holliday is our guy here. What I like about him is that even though he probably can’t hit anymore, we can get a good chuckle out of him playing the field every once in a while.
This is where we make our mark. We can still put together a pretty good rotation. Jake Arrieta, Alex Cobb, and Lance Lynn are obvious choices even if MySoxSummer only knows who one of those guys is. Our 4 and 5 are gonna be Jeremy Hellickson and Scott Feldman. Kudos to MLB teams for taking all the fun choices I had for those (Bartolo and Timmy). Regardless of who we get here, Arrieta is key since he obviously has access to “pilates” or whatever he calls steroids.
UPDATE: With Lynn going to the Twins, we could pick up Anibal Sanchez now that he’s been jettisoned from the 40 man roster. But instead, we’re gonna add a knuckleballer to the mix. I mean, why not add R.A. Dickey when you have a couple of old catchers that will need to learn to catch him.
UPDATE: We could not procure Jake Arrieta. He has taken his pilates talents to Philly. So I’m going back to an old favorite: Jake Peavy.
UPDATE: Hellickson is off the board, so we’re picking up Matt Garza.
UPDATE: Koji decided to go play in Japan instead of for the Chorizys. That cuts deep. We’ll pick up Trevor Cahill to be the young buck of this team (he’s 30).
UPDATE: Cahill just signed. We’re gonna see how Ubaldo Jimenez likes throwing from the pen. I mean, really, he ain’t getting a starting job any time soon.
Dusty Baker is gonna be this manager. What better place for an old pimp than a state where prostitution is mostly legal. Don’t worry, we’ll figure out a way to get Juan Uribe on this staff as well.
Now I know this isn’t the best team you’ve ever seen, but it’s way better than what should be available. So fill up that dump truck full of money and back it up to Chorizy’s place so we can drive it out to Vegas.
About The Author
Section 108 Row 13, Bassist for Barren Plains, Acclaimed drunkard