Santa’s Illegitimate Children | 12 Days of #108Mas

Hermey

The internet and especially Reddit is abound with theories on Hermey being Santa Claus’s son. People are out there writing gotdam essays on it. Here, let me google that for you. But it’s a weird theory to me because he’s an elf. Are they saying Santa and Mrs. Santa’s off-spring are elves? Like he populated the entire North Pole? Or are they saying this was Backdoor Santa and he stepped out on Mrs. Claus? My man out there ballin’ elves on the side. Unbelievable!

Yukon Cornelius

This one is not as popular as Hermey, but the depths that the original poster went into on Reddit is truly admirable. You can check it out here. It even includes a scene no longer shown where Cornelius finds a peppermint vein underneath the North Pole near Santa’s workshop. There is A LOT to this theory, but I love it on its face, just because of the physical similarities. Also, since it’s from the same movie as Hermey, so Santa be fuckin.

Kitty Claus

Now this one is old school and not quite illegitimate. In the 1890s, yeah, Eighteen Nineties, I didn’t mistype. There was a burlesque show with a character named Kitty Claus that was supposedly Santa’s daughter.

“Santa Claus’ Daughter: A Musical Christmas Burlesque in Two Acts” by Everett Elliott and F. W. Hardcastle is a lighthearted theatrical play likely written in the late 19th century. This burlesque centers around the whimsical premise of Santa Claus’ daughter longing for a companion in the North Pole, where romantic entanglements take on playful absurdities. The story unfolds in two acts, beginning with Santa Claus preparing for his annual distribution of gifts. His daughter, Kitty Claus, expresses her desire for a man, prompting Santa’s comical promise to bring her one from the land of mortals.

It looks just as steaming hot as you’d imagine:

-Chorizy-E