The 5 – Christmas Horror Classics: A Holiday Slaylist | 12 Days of #108Mas

Ah, Christmas a time for joy, love, and… absolute fucking chaos. Look, I get it. You’ve been flooded with Hallmark movies about big-city girls finding love in a small-town bakery, or Santa being some magical fixer of suburban family drama. But what if, just what if, you’re not in the mood for that milk toast shit? What if you’d rather see holiday cheer served with a side of blood, guts, and murderous mayhem?

That’s where Christmas horror steps in to deck the halls with terror. Whether you’re in it for the laughs, the scares, or just to feel better about your own dysfunctional family, these are the top 5 holiday horrors you need to watch this season. So, grab your eggnog, spike the shit out of it, and let’s dive in.

5 – “And All Through the House” – Tales from the Crypt (1989)

Not a movie, but who gives a shit? This Tales from the Crypt episode is far more entertaining than half the Christmas movies that Hollywood pukes out anyway. It’s got murder, mayhem and a Santa Claus who embodies less of the “fat guy who is all jolly” and more of the “eyes like a meth head on his third day without sleep.”

Here’s the set-up: a woman decides that Christmas Eve is the right time to get rid of her husband, either because he had forgotten to get her a present or perhaps, he had gone to too many thrift stores and bought a shit ton of beanie babies, but who’s judging? So, she’s having a ridiculously awkward time trying to maneuver his dead body around, some kind of twisted Christmas version of Weekend at Bernie’s, when suddenly some crazed maniac dressed as Santa shows up with an axe, seemingly having zero self-control.

It’s a deliciously dark little gem, equal parts horror and comedy, that will have you rethinking leaving your doors unlocked during the holiday season-or marrying anyone who’s overly into murder mysteries.

4 – Jack Frost (1997)

Sweet baby Jesus, where do we even begin with this? This is not the cute adventure with Michael Keaton; this is a serial killer story of turning into a murderous snowman, courtesy of science taking the fucking holidays off. Jack gets exposed to a variety of magical, ridiculous chemicals which turn him into a version of a coke addicted Frosty’s cousin, then it becomes a big mess from there, full of terribly done special effects and laughter coming at just about the same cheap price.

This frosty fucker has some of the most ridiculous kills in horror history, such as drowning a guy in antifreeze (ironic as hell), strangulation with Christmas lights, and oh, one of those scenes where he “gets intimate” with a woman in the shower. Yeah, they did that and I’m sure HBIC has the deep cut on his floppy disks. It is also that kind of horrifying and hilarious in that “what in the actual fuck am I watching” way.

Jack Frost is the cinematic equivalent of a drunk uncle at Christmas dinner that had too much tequila, it’s messy, inappropriate, and unforgettable. The whole movie is one giant middle finger to logic, and honestly? I’m here for it.

3 – Gremlins (1984)

The movie that made every kid in the ‘80s simultaneously want and fear a pet. The story starts innocently enough: a dad buys his son a Mogwai named Gizmo, a creature so goddamn cute it could single-handedly bankrupt Hallmark. There is just one catch: the little bastard comes with more rules than getting into the 108 Tourney. Don’t feed it after midnight, don’t get it wet, don’t expose it to sunlight… seriously this little shit is only worth the trouble because of how cute it looks.

Of course, because humans are dumb as shit, Billy screws up and breaks all the rules. What follows is absolute chaos as Gizmo’s adorable demeanor gives way to a legion of batshit gremlins that go on a rampage. These tiny fuckers give a glimpse of 108 day as they drink, smoke, gamble, and terrorize everyone in the town.

The balance between horror and comedy really works here, but really, the MVPs are the gremlins themselves-incredibly, it’s just drunk toddlers wielding knives, and any scene they’re in is great. Be it wrecking bars or microwaving themselves into green goo, these little assholes steal the show and your sanity.

2 – Krampus (2015)

If Santa is the warm hug of Christmas, Krampus is a drunk Wally $, something that is great at first until he starts pissing on your bushes. This is what happens when every holiday family argument becomes a literal battle to the death. After all, when young Max loses his Christmas spirit because he witnessed his dysfunctional family utterly crumble, Krampus, a horned demon who is the antithesis of a saintly Santa, arrives to destroy Christmas and shatter their lives with his unholy army.

Krampus is a straight vibe. He doesn’t just kill you; he makes you contemplate all the poor life choices that led you to this juncture. His minions? They’re nightmares manifest. Think killer gingerbread cookies, a murderous jack-in-the-box that swallows kids whole, and creepy as shit elves that look like they came straight out of a Marilyn Manson music video.

This isn’t your average feel-good holiday flick. It’s a hilarious, horrifying reminder to be grateful for your family, even when they’re drunk, yelling about politics, and fighting over the last slice of pumpkin pie. Because if you’re not? Krampus is coming for your ass. We all know if Uncle Frank was in this movie he would be fucked!

1 – Black Christmas (1974)

This movie might be considered the OG masterpiece of Christmas horror. Black Christmas was the forerunner that paved the way for the rise and explosion of those types of classic slasher movies, such as Halloween and Friday the 13th. The action takes place in the walls of a sorority house during Christmas time. The core of the story is a tight knit group of girlfriends who are being ceaselessly terrorized by a psychotic murderer with evil intentions. The cool twist is that the evil killer is already in the house, making things way scarier.

The tension in this movie is thicker than Jorge’s Comcast Remote. The killer’s creepy-ass phone calls are enough to freak you out, and every shot feels drenched in dread. What really heightens the terror is it does feel so strikingly real and relatable, lingering in your mind way past the time you’ve left the theater. There isn’t a hint of over-the-top gore or extreme bloodshed, but pure, unsettling horror seeping right into your very bones and clinging to your mind, like that last persistent relative at Christmas dinner who simply won’t take the hint and GTFO when dinner is over.

The kind of movie that makes you want to go up in your attic, lock the doors three times, and chain them. Iconic, terrifying, and hands down the best Christmas horror film of all time IMO.

There you have it, five Christmas terrors that keep the holiday season as bloody red as bright. Now, pour yourself a boozy eggnog, break out the cookies, and hunker down for an old-fashioned movie marathon guaranteed to make one laugh, scream, and wonder whatever happened to the true meaning of holiday cheer. Merry fucking Christmas, you filthy animals!

-Lil Yumper