The 5 – What to do in your final game as a Head Coach

November 24, 2021

There are mixed reports as to whether or not this will be Matt Nagy’s last game as Head Coach of the Chicago Bears. In the scenario that it is, it seems as though he’s been given advanced warning of this. What a strange position to put someone in. You’re Fired!!! But I’m gonna need you to work this Thursday. So if you’re Matt Nagy, how do you handle this final game?

Start Nick Foles

This is kind of a fuck you to everyone, but it’s also a “I’m taking you all down with me” move. There is no better way to distract attention away from the job you’ve done, by reminding people of the bad job your boss has done for the past few years.

DO NOT Punt

Going for it on 4th down has to be one of the most exciting calls for a Head Coach in the NFL. And punting, conversely, is the most submissive shit in the game. If this is your last game as an NFL Head Coach, and let’s be honest it is, then why not go out in a blaze of Riverboat Ron glory. Fourth and 22 from your own 3 yard line? Screw it, we’re going!

Annoy the hell out of the refs

I’m not trying to take any heat off of Nagy, but the refs have absolutely sucked this year. At least once per series, ask if you can challenge a play you know you cannot, call an official over angrily and when they get there tell them you forgot what you were gonna say, make sure to use every timeout even if you don’t need to, and see if you can hit a ref with the challenge flag. They’ve been asking to be pelted with flags for years, it’s time for some payback.

Trip someone

I assume Nagy’s gonna try to find another NFL job after this one, so you’ve gotta show why you’re the man for the job. Do what Mike Tomlin tried and failed to do, and trip a guy running down the sideline.

Eat a whole turkey

Not only are you getting fired, they made you come in on a holiday. That’s horse shit. Show them that you can bring the holiday to the game and eat a whole damn turkey on the sideline. And if anyone asks for any, deny them, and tell them they’re the reason you’re getting fired.