The 108 Interview Series – Juan Uribe’s Cup
Here at the 108, it is our job….our duty to bring to you the great personalities of White Sox twitter, either via tweet / photo / video or blog post. Today’s interview is with a FUCKING LEGENDARY member of White Sox twitter, a man who needs no introduction, Men want to be him and Women want to meet him (but like 3 years ago when he wasn’t a fat washed dad)…..Juan Uribe‘s Cup!!
Favorite Game That You Were At
11 and 1 in 2005 postseason! Give me the loss baby! October 11 2005 ALCS game 1. Here’s why, I spent hours on the phone, promised hand jobs and semen to procure those tickets so I could treat my parents to a playoff game. They’ve taken me to countless games growing up, my Dad even sent myself and my brother (because he only had 2 tickets) to the ALDS game 1 playoff vs Seattle where sweaty Freddy bested Jim Parque. It was time for me to repay them, and they cost us the only loss. So in hindsight everyone blame my parents for the one loss.
Favorite All Time Player That Doesn’t Have a Statue On the Concourse
Ivan Calderon. Taken from us too soon.
Favorite Drink and Dinner at the Park
Too many microbrews to finger just one, but I will say I lean Goose Island’s way when choosing (company hoe) I’m a fan of dinning pregame at ChiSox Bar and grill , meal wise any meat plate that is phallic in representation.
Favorite Place to Sit
Herm Schneider’s lap , but he retired so looking for takers.
In 1991 they got it right! That was a game changer, any variation of the alternate black jersey does it for me. I like my uniforms strong and black. Who doesn’t want to watch grown men in black out in the August sun for 4 hours suffer?
They have not given out hand jobs yet so I digress
Favorite Theme Night
Margaritaville night can kiss my white pale ass, Jimmy Buffet is a disease . Country music night has been known to cause cancer. I’m going mullet night, business in the front and party in the rear.
What irks you the most about White Sox fans?
The inferiority complex. They’ve made the playoffs 9 times since 1901, 6 AL pennants and 3 world series titles. Some of us have had venereal diseases more in one year than they have had successful playoff runs.
What is the worst part of being a Sox fan?
The inferiority complex Rodger Bossard’s field quality gives you. I mean it’s not cool, Dad lawns are a big deal, you go to a game and you come home and your lawn now looks like a wet dick on a cold day. Sad, unattended and not cared for. FUCK YOU Roger I’m trying my best here.
Worst part of the game day experience?
Getting home and realizing you still have a family, bills and a mortgage. Why don’t they just let you stay out drinking all the time?
What really grinds your gears?
People not respecting Jesus and robots that steal prescription drugs.
Least Favorite White Sox player of all time
Nick Swisher! I always wanted to find him in the dirty cat salon see if cats really have 9 lives. 162 games in a clubhouse with him and I’d be doing time.
Most memorable experience as a White Sox fan
I can’t pinpoint one. I think my fondest memories are time periods as a youth going to Old Comiskey in the early 80s. There’s something romantic about walking out from the concourse and seeing the playing field in its grandeur, color and size that brings me back to those days absolutely every time I attend a game. At that very moment you understand America’s love foe the game.
Ballpark experience, how could it be better?
Nancy Faust nudes day. We all want to get to know the former organ player better.
Best Sox Park hack?
It used to be parking at my sister and brother in laws place in Bridgeport drinking for free there and walking over to the park, but they’re selfish pricks and moved to the burbs to have a family completely screwing my needs. I recommend going to Pancho Pistolas to eat pre-game!
What brings you back for every game?
It’s loud at my house, small people are needy, wife’s to-do list is aggressive. It’s just more peaceful at the park.
Feelings on the wave?
Anyone who does the wave are allowed at only 2 games, country music night and Margaritaville night. Then please exit the park and walk out into Dan Ryan traffic.
Which Gate is your favorite to enter the park?
When the gates of hell are closed I go gate 3 usually.
How Early Do You Get To Games?
There are many variables that go into that recipe, sobriety is not one now is consistency
What Do You Bring To Games?
Lately in an homage to @MySoxSummer a book bag, containing an anker cell charger, a sweatshirt, Gary Coleman nudes and what was in the chest in Pulp Fiction.
How Many Games Do You Go To Each Year?
As the family has grown the games have dwindled. We have a game package this year so at minimum 10 for me. In years past it’s usually 8 to 15ish.
Section 108 Questions
What is your favorite baseball word?
What is your least favorite baseball word?
What get’s you excited about the White Sox?
I think we’re about to see Rick’s plan come to fruition. They will be competitive for an extended window. Dare I say back to back playoffs are a possibility? I think it will happen. This “critical mass” of talent is locked up now for a few years and that tingles my White Sox penis in the right way.
What makes you sad about the White Sox?
Mascot cancer killed Ribbie and Roobarb. Andy the Clown never touched me like the other kids. However the thing that hurts me the most is, the architects and engineers completely dropped the ball when they didn’t make one of the most iconic skylines in the world the backdrop for the new park in 1991.
What sound or noise at the ballpark do you love?
Other than South Paws mating calls, I love the clapping of the vendors lids as they try to who’re out tubular meats.
What sound or noise at the ballpark do you hate?
Boston Red Sox fans that speak in public
What is your favorite Hawkism?
Not a Hawkism per say, but when he would sit with no words for long periods of time because he was so angry at what just transpired on the field. I loved his quiet anger moments.
You are team #WASHEDDAD iirc, can you give the other dads in the community, especially dads of small children (like MySoxSummer) some parenting advice?
Hardware stores supply many restraint possibilities.
You tend to do a lot of hilarious, nearly zany, memes on twitter, give us your top 3 all time.
Jesus masturbation hand job tattoo, fat gay bear guy in the rainbow panties, but Grandpa Hog takes the cake! Especially @zsoxwood made him a Sox fan.
I know you like to LIFT HEAVY, when you get a chance, tell me which 108er you think could most easily get YOKED under your tutelage.
I’m fat now , getting off the couch is lifting heavy. However with MSS being an absolute unit of a man I think he could be molded into a juggernaut plate eating machine.
You walk into a bathroom with 25 urinals. All are open except the very middle urinal, which is occupied by Juan Uribe. What is the urinal buffer you give to Juan?
I’m no longer peeing at that point because I likely tripped over his rig walking in and am now shame crying on the floor in the corner.
Imagine they’re erecting a BillyWires (Juan Uribe’s Cup) statue in Guaranteed Rate Field. Where is it located? Describe the design.
Location: Craft Kave bathroom.
Design: balding middle aged man handing out breath mints and bad jokes as you wait in line.
Do you and ZSherwood have more than just a business casual relationship?
Cough cough S.T.T ! He’s a great follow, hilarious and charming young man.
What’s the worst thing about owning an above ground pool?
It’s a magnetic monster that pulls you in on weekends and forces you to day drink with Sox games on the radio while getting nothing done but type two diabetes enhancement and pissing off the Mrs Cup. ….but man that water is inviting
.If you started a prison gang, what would the name be?
Is cocaine the healthier choice among the illicit drugs?
It’s the other white meat in my opinion, and we all know pork is healthy and so damn tasty.
Let’s say you, MSS, BeefLoaf and Chorizy eat an edible. How quickly can the 4 of us finish a 7 tier buttercream frosting wedding cake?
Faster than Ron Santo could lose a leg! So like pretty goddamn fast
If you could remove a former White Sox player from White Sox history, who would it be and what team would you transfer him to?
Adam LaRoche, I’d transfer him to a WNBA team filled with lesbians to make him uncomfortable as fuck!
The “Nice Trout Grandpa” meme has become sort of a signature for you, is that your real grandpa?
Grandpa Hog is a rigtastic beast and proficient angler who is of no relation
Do you have any favorite #108ing stories you’d like to share, ballpark or otherwise?
Albert Belle made the last out of the game on a cold April night, we snuck 2 cases of beer in our winter jackets that night. After shouting things at Hawk and Wimpy for 9 innings from our upper deck seats we made our way down to behind the dugout as there were 100 people in the park for the last inning in time to watch Albert strike out to end the game. We proceeded to have an alcohol fueled argument face to face literally with Joey about how he was an over paid bum. Security likely saved our lives, Joey was VERY upset, spit was piercing the 18 inches of space between us as he shouted violently at my friend and I.
What’s your greatest fear about the “rebuild”?
If these contracts Rick has put together that has all young GM wannabes masturbating don’t pan out we’re in for some extended hurt.
What is there about this team that excites you the most?
Doing what I wanted us to do so badly, follow models like Houston, Cubs, and other rebuilds and build a team for an extended window of competitiveness
Give us a #HotTake about the rebuild.
Right now it feels like pitching is our make or break and this current season hinges on Cease finding the strike zone more. When you sit back and reminisce of the past 10 years of suffering leading to the past 4 years of the rebuild and now the window is actually beginning to open and a glimpse of hope breezes under your taint because you’re not wearing pants, it feels really good.
Favorite White Sox Twitter Account (Besides @fromthe108) and why?
Oh man come on! It’d be easier to pick a worst
Person from White Sox Twitter that you’d most like to meet and why?
The person that handles South Paw’s account, because I’ve made their life miserably odd at times
Favorite Non-White Sox Twitter Account and why?
Emoji Penis bot, because it has not run out yet of emoji’s to build penises with and that amazes me.
What do you like best about @fromthe108 ?
You gentleman are the true fabric of White Sox nation. You embrace everyone, you make being a White Sox fan cool, and that’s something I never thought was possible in my years of fandom. In some very dark years you gentleman and your brides have worked very hard to make White Sox fandom an all-inclusive fun party that everyone wants in on. Every time I’ve met one of you I’ve felt welcome and knew I probably had a bigger or similar size penis as yours
Favorite White Sox related blog or podcast and why?
Sox Machine rocks! Besides your biblical weekly podcast Josh and Jim have been doing it right for a long time. So many others have been inspired by them and there’s so much quality content out there. Future Sox has been unbelievable as a conduit to all these young talents in our world in recent years. On tap rocks too. We are not starved for content so much good out there.
What is your favorite alcoholic drink for #108ing? Be specific and feel free to go with more than one if you need to. What about your favorite beer style?
Bourbon and double IPA’S please!
Favorite cut of Steak? Prepared?
Porter house medium rare please
Gimme an “Uncle Rico” moment from your prior sports playing past.
I played baseball against Alex Rodriguez and Kerry Wood as a high schooler
Where would you take @ChiPartyAunt out on a date?
Jewelers row, we’re picking her out the nicest toe ring on Wabash!
Favorite performance enhancing drug?
Who do you hate more Jim Belushi or John Cusack?
What Other Chicago Teams Do You Enjoy
Bears & Bulls
Favorite Chicago Sports History Moment
2005 hands down fam!
Favorite All-Time Sox Broadcaster
I have a love-hate relationship with Hawk but it’s likely him.
Any Stories About Running Into or Meeting White Sox Players? Other Chicago Athletes?
I once saw a former manager walking out of Walgreens with a fetching blond that was not his wife.
Don’t pigeonhole me like this.
What is your favorite song?
Tedeschi and Trucks covering Midnight in Harlem
Favorite TV Show (or Netflix or HBO or whatever the fuck)?
All things HBO! The Newsroom
Married or Single? Looking for a GF?
Mrs. Cup often ask “why the fuck are you on twitter all the time?”
Do you remember your first Sox game?
82ish or 83 , but no.
What Player had the greatest impact on you?
What was the happiest day watching the Sox?
World Series clincher with my family
What was the saddest day watching the Sox?
Any day Terry Bevington had to put together a fluid thought
What do you do for work? If you could be or do anything else – what?
Electrician! A competition dancer!
If you could live in any other time, when might that be?
I appreciate Dental care and Amazon prime so I choose to live in the now
If you could have dinner with five White Sox Players, past and present, who would they be?
Ivan Calderon, Melido Perez, Ozzie Guillen, Carl Everett, and Scott Radinsky
If you could change one thing in your past, what might that be?
Revive Andy the Clown
What are you most proud of?
My kids, how the hell did that happen
How would you like to be remembered?
Laughs, thinking of my dumb ass and laughing
What’s the one thing about you few people know?
I cry after I touch myself
What do you dislike most about yourself?
My back hair has become a nuisance
What do you dislike most in others?
I’ve got enough of my own problems
What were your best/worst subjects in school?
History best, math worst
What do you like doing in your spare time?
Drinking Gin and shotgun play!
Who is your celebrity crush?
What is your favorite movie?
Saving Private Ryan
What is your favorite baseball movie?
What is biggest weirdest fear.
Global warming ruining some of the beautiful places I’ve been to that my kids may not be able to go to
What would be your one super power?
What would you change your name to?
What pet would you love to have?
I want my own Bald Eagle to own the libs
What’s your one biggest pet peeve?
What’s your one annoying habit?
Chewing gum like a beast
What would be a good theme song for your life?
This time tomorrow by The Kinks
What ballpark would you like to visit?
Coors, Colorado is my favorite States but never made it into the park
You seem like a crude idiot.
I concur wholeheartedly with my kid brother, Pete.