Crime & Punishment by Irrational Fan Man

2020, what a fucking year so far. I thought we’d be like the fucking Jetsons right now, and since we have guys fucking sex robots maybe we are. But where’s my goddamn flying car with a glass bubble? Where is it Obama?

But what I wanna talk about today isn’t the Jetsons or the perverts downloading into giga-bitches. No, I wanna talk about those peckerheads in Houston that been cheating and lying. My newphew was telling me they had all types of fancy sophisticated equipment and one garbage can that was getting wacked on more than a 11 year old that found a Playboy. He talked about some short fucker that had a buzzer under his uniform. There was some commotion about him being afraid of his shirt getting ripped off cause he was wired up like a FUCKING RAT in a mafia feature. Maybe it wasn’t a buzzer? I knew this guy in middle school, name was Garry Harden. Garry had a superfluous nipple. That dude never wanted to be skins when we played basketball and put up a huge stink if his team wasn’t shirts. We’d call him all the fun names that aren’t PC these days with you “wank” kids so I won’t repeat them. Don’t wanna put you in a hurt space with your other snowdrifts.

What was I talking about? Oh yeah, the scumbuckets in Houston. Now, I am a firm believer in “if you ain’t cheatin’ you ain’t trying” and I am still believing, but not with these pompous assholes. They won a goddamn World Series one of the least tainted championships in all of professional sports next to the Breeders Cup. And folks we need to hold them responsible. Cause the Commish gave them a slap on the wrist. And that video where the owner talks out of both sides of his mouth saying it didn’t have an impact, then said he never said it right after he said it. What a moron.

Over there on the Twitters all sorts of athletes are pissed about what they also think is a slap on the wrist. Drone boy Trevor Bauer had plenty to say. Cody Bellinger. Sean Manaea. FUCKING EVERYONE. And fans. Holy shit the fans of these other teams are so up in arms about all this scandal. The perceived lack of punishment doesn’t help either. Well guess what? I HAD AN IDEAR.

Back in the day you know how they punished cheaters in the great state of Texas? In 1835 they’d hang ya with a five-strand manila hemp rope. Y’all would smoke that rope now, ya dope heads, but back in 1835 they’d get ya real high with it too. Then drop you like a bad habit! CRACK! HA HA HA! And the best part would be it’d be in front of all your family, friends and the WHOLE FUCKING TOWN! That went on for 88 years, till they passed a law in 1923 that changed the means of capital punishment from hanging to……..wait for it……..ELECTROCUTION!

Listen, if you wanna make something better, FUCKING MAKE IT ELECTRIC! Guitar. Toothbrush. Shaver. Weedeater. You get it. So in 1924 they ran a buncha volts thru a guy till his fucking body fried up and his eyes shot out. Now, that seems way more inhumane than snapping necks and cashing checks, but who am I to judge?

So here’s what I think will make everyone happy. Let’s hang all the Astros! Yup, every single one of them. Fuck their cheating asses and hang them in orange drink park. Build the gallows right on the pitchers mound and let that starting pitcher / comedian Justin “Mr. Upton” Verlander go first! That’s right, let’s march them right up there and just hang every single one of them. Sure, it’s an overreaction but you can never be too safe these days when people’s fragile emotions about a game run wild. Best part about it, we can say it was in the rules all along. And when they ask for confirmation we just say “It’s part of those unwritten rules….NOW CLIMB THE STAIRS TO YOUR PAINFUL DEATH!”

Now, I have heard from many people I am related to, that Dallas Keuchel is completely innocent. Yep, several folks that I know or maybe follow on Twitter have confirmed that. So he doesn’t need to die for the sins of others. He ain’t Jesus H. Christ or John Lennon. And you can let the rat bastard or “whistleblower” as you “wank” kids say Mike Fiers live too, cause he also has some exceptional facial hair. Plus, as you know if you have seen an Italian movie, THE RATS ALWAYS DIE!

So to quote one of the best fucking Metallica albums ever (before they went all goofy in the 90’s trying to go on Googlepalooza), Kill ‘Em All. Go Sox!

-Irrational Fan Man