Yep. It kinda goes just like that. If you are the lucky one to host a family gathering you’ll have this moment. You gotta play nice at first, especially while sober, while your guests try to make you rub their burr for a fucking quarter. A WHOLE FUCKING QUARTER!
Now if you have the word “Welcome” tatted up on your back (or lower back you skank, the 108 still loves ya) maybe you are used to being walked on, but if you wanna become the master of your domain, let ol’ MSS who isn’t the favorite in-law of the family or even the favorite in is own family, give you a few tips to keep what’s left of your pride.
Cleaning The House
This is something that always blows my mind. I know, I know, you wanna present your best self to you family so they don’t get worried you are really going off the deep end cause there is a half eaten bowl of Rice Krispies (or the Aldi version anyways) that your 3.5 year old is “saving” till after school behind the couch. You don’t need that headache, but why must the house be spotless before your guests arrive? Listen, they gonna fuck your house up. Not because they are assholes, but because they will get drunk, rowdy and just act careless.
So don’t clean that house, cause it might snow, and people will track that shit in. Or leave chex mix all over the place. No doubt your couch will get spilled on, the carpet or rug for sure will get some shrapnel. Hell, maybe your brother-in-law will spill a full goddamn Moscow Mule on the dinner table. Why’s he drinking that? WHO THE FUCK KNOWS. He bougie.
Hide Your Booze
We in the 108 like to share our booze with any and everyone. I will pass out 312’s, Next Coast’s to any Tom, Dick and Harry. I will make you refuse it like 3 times too, I’m a generous person. However, I am NOT generous with my good bottles. Hold up a minute though, the wife and I have a plethora of hard alcohol. Neither of us drink it, EVER. It only gets drank during parties. So have at that shit. Now, beer on the other hand, yeah, I am gonna give you what I want you to drink. Am I popping a 2014 Dark Lord just to be a showoffer? Hell nah. I will drink that with other beer snob folk and talk about the subtle notes of chocolate and caramel.
Opening Day last year, while drunk, my buddy walks in to the bathroom, while I am giving the kids a bath and wants to pop a 2014 KBS. He’d had enough and was pretty loaded so any of the good in that beer would have been wasted on his Budweiser fried taste buds. I’d share it with him anytime, but not then. Nope. Hella nope. Kinda how I feel about these gatherings. I will pop a good bottle for those who are into in, but I ain’t popping one just so someone can have a few sips and then have a Corona. Put the good stuff away, and save it for a day when you can enjoy it with a guy who likes it.
Hide Your Shit
The first year we were in our house, we hosted family Christmas. It was nice to get really hammered at your home and not have to drive ANYWHERE. Believe you me. But while taking the kids to play in the basement, they of course swarmed my bobblehead collection and started tapping the heads. THEY ARE NOT TO BE PLAYED WITH! And no they don’t go to the cheap ones, it’s like they can spot the ones that are worth the most. Must be a skill. In that moment, I knew I needed to get them outta their range STAT. I built a series of shelves around my basement about 6′ off the ground. Problem solved.
It’s not just collectibles though, anything you hold near an dear to your heart should be stored. Or even some questionable stuff that you might not wanna talk about. Like, I know it will come as shock to you, but I have a coffee table book about porn stars. I even have the book that Sasha Grey released. No, I don’t wanna explain that I enjoy these things to everyone. So I put that shit away. You should do the same. Or just leave it out and talk about it, ALL FUCKING NIGHT.
So there you have it. 3 small things you can do to make hosting a holiday party a little bit more enjoyable. Start drinking a few hours before everyone shows up too, that’s what I do and things go much smoother. Cheers fucks.