The 108 Investigates – Is Southpaw A Deadbeat Dad?

Do you guys read The Onion? In May, they released this article. I was skeptical, as The Onion usually does parody articles (shocking to some in Government) but then something happened that kinda confirmed it. We were just casually taking in a White Sox game, and guess who/what showed up?

It’s a goddamn Mini-Southpaw! Said so right on his jersey. What in all that is holy is going on here? Article says that 2,000 Southpaws are released from an “illegal mascot mill” and this guy shows up to work with what we assume is his kid? No real explanation? WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO THINK SOUTHPAW?!?!?!?

Admittedly, I know very little about the mating habits of the Southpaw breed. Hell, I am not sure any of us can say for certain if Southpaw is a male or female. But in the animal kingdom, the females usually carry the babies, aside from the seahorse (learned that from a Nirvana t-shirt back in the day). Did we ever see a pregnant Southpaw? HELL NO. So I am gonna assume the Southpaw we know and love is male. So that brings us to our next point.

The Mini Southpaw we saw was a not an infant, it is at the very least 6 years old. Maybe older. WHERE THE FUCK HAS THIS KID BEEN? I mean, was he raised in this mill only to be released into his father’s arms? Did Southpaw know he was a father? The mini seems 100% Southpaw so I can only assume that there is a female Southpaw out there out mascot was bumping uglies with. But who really knows?

You know who isn’t talking? The White Sox. Trying to find official pictures of them together is a fruitless endeavor. No official statement, no official pictures, and we’re left to wonder why. Why so secretive? Why no pics on social media? What are you guys hiding?

The answer is very clear, our mascot has to be a deadbeat dad. Makes sense to keep it quiet cause deadbeat dads suck. He has only brought his spawn out on one of the days where it will make him look good. It seem like he only cares if it benefits him. And that’s sad, cause Southpaw loves and is loved by many of our young fans. Why can’t he provide that to his own son? WHY NOT SOUTHPAW?!?!?!

So come clean guys. Let us know what happened to the other Southpaws. Let us know who this new mini is. What’s his story? Who is he? We as fans deserve the truth. Don’t let this story fester and become something larger than we can handle. We are owed the truth.

-MSS