My Sox Summer’s 2019 Graduation Speech

INTRO – It’s that time of year that lotsa Celebs get invited to graduations and make some speeches that always sound awesome when put to some great music.  I wanna toss my hat (and the drunk uncles of White Sox Twitters for that matter) into the ring, as I have not been asked to participate in any graduation by either my former high school or college. So here we go!

Congrats to the class of 2019!

Hopefully you get to experience some life even with the crippling debt that you most likely put yourself into by going after that degree. And hopefully you majored in business, cause the only guys I know who use their degrees majored in business.

You know how much more money I would have had by now if I had learned a trade?  A shit load more.

You know how much more money I would have had I stayed in state and worked my connections here to land a decent job? Much, much more. 

But do you know how empty my story bank would be?  So fucking empty.  I wouldn’t be able to entertain the fine folks in Section 108 with my stories had I not taken 10 years off from my Midwest life. I’d be more boring than I am broke. And that is no way to live your life. People will buy you stuff if you entertain them, trust me.

So if you wanna move across country, out of your parents house, into Indiana and just see what happens, fucking do it.  You might struggle, you might hate life, you might get lonely, but you know what?  That might force your weak ass to go the fuck out there and talk to people. Do you know what I did most Friday nights in Huntington Beach when I first moved there? When I knew 3 people?  Went to a dive bar and watched movies on Closed Caption, drank $2 Bud light drafts and had a shot of Jager from time to time. Oh and smoked a ton of cigarettes. 

But do you know what was the best part?  I met some really fucking interesting people cause I was out there. Amongst the drunks. No interesting story started with, “So I stayed in tonight….”

You guys got your fucking tinders and bumbles. You got emojis that are some code or something, but nothing beats the old “hi.” You got an idea of what life should be like and friends that post pics of their perfect life on their IG’s, Facebook, snap chats, all that shit.  And that is exactly what it is, shit.

Most of your friends will be living the life and just keep racking that debt. Buying that new shit, getting onto that next shit, but maybe you should just enjoy that NOW shit.  Most things you think you need, ya don’t.  Most of the things you think will bring you happiness won’t.  Especially if the price tag is the issue.  The hard work to get the item will be way more valuable and special to you than the money ever will.  Cause money will come and go. Like most of your whore ex girlfriends.

Foster your friendships as much as you do you social media.  That guy you’ve know since kindergarten is gonna have your back no matter what you do. Unless you do some really bad shit to him. So don’t do bad shit, be a good person. Do stuff you think you don’t wanna do just to make sure you don’t wanna do it.  Unless you wanna do heroin, which, from what I can tell from Intervention, no one really wants to do heroin after they do it.  And will kill ya.  Stay off the pills too, that is white collar heroin.

Good thing about alcohol is that you can only drink so much before you just start puking it up.  Trust your natural defense of alcohol.  And smoke weed. Cause that will calm ya down from time to time, and again if you smoke too much, you might get fat or pass out.

Lastly take some risks.  No one thought 3 fat, almost naked, drunk, guys in a hot tub talking White Sox baseball would garner any interest.  Well look at us now baby!  We have a podcast and literally thousands of fans. 

Do you wanna do a podcast on cats?  BeefLoaf will subscribe!  There is an audience for everyone and everything. Seriously. It’s fucking crazy.  So as a drunk uncle of White Sox Twitter, enjoy your summer between major life events.  Whether it be between high school and college or college and real life,  this summer is always a fun one.

And if you feel lost, know you always have 3 guys in sec 108 that will drink a beer with ya.  We won’t buy you a beer, well maybe ‘Loaf, but we will certainly drink one with ya. And we’ll always talk about how cool we used to be.  Especially me.  Congrats to the class of 2019.