The 5 – Ways to Eliminate Pitchers plunking hitters for bat flips

Aloha friends, I am BACK and fresh off a trip to Maui, in which I ate and drank much, moderately crisped my skin and all in all had a bitchin’ time with our island brethren.  While I was gone, some shit went off the rails between our White Sox and them punk bitches, the Kansas City Royals.  Lost in the aftermath of odd ejections and suspensions and usages of colloquialisms was the fact that MLB pitchers, for the better part of 130 years have been able to throw a projectile at their hitting counterparts like a 3 year old throwing a tantrum, without consequence.  This just doesn’t seem right to me.  If your 3 year old were throwing a fucking tantrum, you’d want there to be some consequence, wouldn’t you?  I know I would.  So I thought to myself, I said “Self.  Think of some ways to add consequence to this action.”…..I give you, the 5.


5 – Hitters may charge the mound, with the bat (5 game suspension, just like the pitcher)


I’m not a violent guy, I don’t like honor culture bullshit, but I also don’t like unwritten rules that allow one group a significant upper hand just because.  I’m not even talking Bert Campaneris or Pedro Guerrero shit right here.  I’m talking running out there and smashing the pitcher (or any hero teammate that happens to get in the way) with the bat.  If the pitcher can use his greatest weapon to “get even” with the hitter, then what’s fair is fair.  Truth be told, this kind of action would probably be the bump that good old Rob Manfred is looking for in regards to viewership from da yutes.

4 – Automatic 40 game suspension, WITHOUT PAY for the offending pitcher


You don’t like Jack Parkman’s little shimy and want to make him pay for it, how’s about you open your fucking wallet and put your money where your mouth is.  40 games is roughly 25% of the season.  Could you imagine these fake tough guys in stirrups willingly putting up 25% of their pay to throw at another player?  As if.  I recently listened to Ben Lindbergh’s excellent podcast Effectively Wild in which he had Danny Knobler on to talk about his new book that discusses this subject.  Knobler was great,….except for the part where he didn’t want to give out longer suspensions because he wasn’t sure about if he’d get it right.  Danny, let’s not be probabilistically blind.  If hitter A smashes a big dong, does a Rod Tidwell-esque dance about the field before crossing home plate


and is summarily hit in the neck with a pitch the next time he returns to the plate, well, I don’t think we need to get Columbo in here to figure out this mystery.  I think we know what is going on.

3 – Make the intentional hit by pitch worth a run


The single base seems like too low of a penalty to render.  The pitcher doesn’t care about 1 base, it’s well worth hitting a guy in the throat….I mean, tokhis…..and give up 1 base.  Fuck it!  If it’s some intentional shit, make it worth a run.  Make it the equivalent of another fucking home run.  The pitcher likes giving up taters anyway and doesn’t seem too concerned with getting anyone out.  Make it worth a run.

2 – Make the manager culpable, FINE THE MANAGER


I’ll let yous out there reading this fine piece of bloggerings decide what the fine should be exactly, but something along the lines of the 40 game suspension above.  You want to see this sort of mentality “coached” out of the proverbial baseball bloodstream, make sure the Manager gets themselves all fucked up when it happens.  You know this drill, if your boss has to eat shit for your mistake, well, you are a lot more careful about making those mistakes.  I just want consequences here, that is all.

1 – Offending team loses 3 home games the following season

Reinsdorf, chairman of MLB team Chicago White Sox and NBA basketball team Chicago Bulls, smiles as he participates at the 2010 Milken Institute Global Conference in Beverly Hills

If all else fails, if you can’t get the idiot pitcher to act in his own financial interest, and if you can’t get the idiot manager to act in his own financial interest, there is undoubtedly one party that will always act in their own financial interest.  OWNERSHIP.  I can just envision the enraged pitcher having to weigh whether he wants to throw his little hissy fit on the field or if he’d enjoy being employed by a major league club.   Just imagine the OWNER only getting 78 home games the next season instead of 81, think of how happy he’ll be to lose all that revenue.

 I for one would love to see any of these consequences figured into the “discussion” about retaliation hitting.  The pitchers just throw too hard for this practice to continue in its current state and there is too much risk to the hitters from these things from ending their careers to potential death.  Enough is enough.


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