Good day friends, it’s your old pal BeefLoaf and this is the 5, so let’s fucking get to it. 5 Reasons why you should LOOOOOOOOVE the free agent signing of Jon Jay.
5 – He gets ON BASE!
You heard it here first!! Jon Jay gets on base more than the incumbents. Remember Avi Garcia? Of course you do, he didn’t get on base much last year, only .281 OBP. How about Adam Engel, everyone’s favorite Gold Glove runner up, what do you think his on base % was in 2018? .279 OBP. Jon Jay had a down year and got on base at a .330 clip. Back in 2017 with the North side Chicago baseball club, Jon Jay got on base at a .374 clip. Hrmmm, I’m not a mathematician…nor do I play one of those sexy bitches on TV, but I think getting on base more as opposed to less is a positive.
4 – Sara Jay MIGHT be his Stepmom
Look, I’ll be honest with you, I am never too confident in picking out people’s age. I know that Jon Jay is 33, and I know that Sara Jay is a stepmom (occasionally), so it would seem reasonable that there is a connection there. I’m not 100%, but if this ends up checking out, I can predict MySoxSummer will be happy af.
3 – Former Cardinals player
I don’t know for sure, but I have heard of something called the Cardinals way, and it is supposed to show that you know how to play baseball well and do things the right way. I suppose Tony LaRussa falling asleep drunk driving at a stop light has been excluded from that, as well as Mark McGwire’s backnee and probably a few others exploits (Oscar Taveras and Josh Hancock). But mostly, the Cardinals are supposed to be a good basebally organization, so that means we should feel lucky to have him.
2 – He allows YUGE nerds to make Founding Father’s jokes
You can’t discount any advantage of a free agent signing, even if you personally won’t partake in it. I’ll admit, I saw some jokes on twitter, unfortunately, I didn’t realize they were jokes, because, I had no clue who John Jay is (blame my Catholic School education K-12 on that shit). Regardless, those that enjoy that sort of thing, it’s right there for you. You’d been saving that very pertinent knowledge up all your life, just waiting for a chance to launch that joke and your fucking time has come. Congrats!
1 – He’s Manny Machado’s bestie
Look if you are going to sign a top notch free agent, you need his best fucking buddy in the fold to host sleepovers and to play pranks and shit. He’s the White Sox Jack Haley (the kids younger than 30 are googling “Jack Haley” rn). If you can’t bring in a guys drinking / going to Chipotle / playing Fortnite buddy, then what fucking good are you? Rick Hahn is definitely checking boxes here, so to speak.