BeefLoaf stuffs @NotRickHahn’s suggestion box – White Sox rebuild style

Rebuilds are generally slow arduous processees.  Since the 108ers have tix to all of these games while this deliberate process floats by, it gives us lots (LOTS) of time to sit in our seats at games and to think about all the various angles you can try to acquire talent during these trying times.  Look, if our White Sox are to ride high again, @NotRickHahn is going to need to look high and low to find players.  He’ll need to leave no stone unturned in his quest for putting our squad back in the playoffs.  I’ve seen the trades and the Trayce Thompson pick ups off the scrap heap, but we need our fearless leader to go, deep, deep, deep looking around for talent.  That’s why I have a variety of “asset classes” as the investment folks would say that could allow @NotRickHahn to search for outsized payoffs for bottom basement pricing.  Wrote a song about, wanna hear, here it go………

OLD

Jamie Moyer – I know he’s 55 years old, but he’s probably getting stir crazy now having been retired for 5 full years.  He had an ERA+ of 117 in his age 46 season, which for those who aren’t into all these fancy pants metrics means he was above league average.  Fuck, even his age 49 season was better than what we’ve been getting from everyone not named James Shields or Reynaldo Lopez.  Moyer never dazzled with velocity, so it shouldn’t be any sort of concern that he has to “reach back and get some more”, he never really had any to begin with.  I’d put him in the Private Santiago swing man role right now.  You can get some bulk innings from him and who knows, maybe he hangs on as the 5th starter when time is good again.

FOREIGN LEAGUE

Freddy Garcia – Look friends, we might have our own Jake Taylor success story happening right here on the Southside of Chicago.  Freddy Garcia’s last professional whereabouts were in the Mexican league and because he’s still Sweaty Freddy and he’s only 41 years old, why not bring back this famous lanzador to the spot where he got his greatest level of success, a World Championship.  Freddy’s body is probably shot (like Taylor) and he drinks too much (like Taylor) and he would probably be willing to drive a bullpen car if properly motivated.  Given all of those positives, I can’t think of a reason NOT to take a shot on this kid during a rebuild like the one the #WhiteSox are undergoing RIGHT. DAMN. NOW.

POST-POST-POST HYPE PROSPECT

Wily Mo Pena – Nevermind that the 36 year old Post Post Post Hype Prospect has swolled up worse than Buster Douglas after beating Mike Tyson.  I’m also pretty sure he can crush mammoth bombs like back in the day.  He’s also definitively the only prospect I can remember that I saw play when I was a kid and somehow, I wound up being older than him as I talk about him today.  I know I speak for Chorizy on this one, but we both always felt that Wily Mo never really got a fair shake and that he could’ve been a great slugger.  Now is our chance to make this right.  We are going to get @NotRickHahn on the phone (twitter) and demand that he give Wily Mo a look, he can’t be any worse than the horse hockey the White Sox are currently trotting out to the grass portion of the playing field.

CONVERSION

Kyle Long – A lotta mufukuz don’t know, but Kyle Long has straight gas.  He was a beast in high school, wielding a mid 90’s fast ball.  Now, obviously, he actually makes his vocation with another sports team in this town, but a couple of things point to this being less far fetched than you might imagine.

The White Sox actually selected Long in the 23rd round of the amateur draft in 2008.  Imagine if he had Jeff Samardzija‘d this bish, he might already be in Chicago throwin’ flames and getting the crowd all pumped up with some wrestleresque antics.

He’s had a quite a few injuries in his young NFL career.  You just never know when someone has had enough punishment and wants to look towards other lucrative career paths that might be available to them.  I think Rick Hahn should start the ass kissing right now, if we can get Long into a baseball path soon, he might be ready to be in that bullpen by the next time our White Sox play a game that means a shit.