Welcome to my annual blog about the things EVERYONE will be bitching about at the home opener. Now, there are some things that everyone is ALREADY bitching about, let’s get those outta way first.
“Big Game” James Shields.
Chorizy said it best. Read it right fucking here. I don’t really have much to add to that than “Quit Yer Bitchin’!”.
The Weather. Move the game to noon.
Jesus Christ. Sack the FUCK UP. IT’S THE GODDAMN HOME OPENER. Put on a few layers and bring some hand warmers. Will the game get called? MAYBE. But not before we buy a few rounds of beer and sober up just enough to remember that is cold out. Then we will swagger back to BeefLoaf’s place and wreak havoc. Note I said we, but that doesn’t include you. We like ya, but don’t like like ya. You understand.
Will moving the game to noon solve all these problems? Hell naw. People will bitch that their tailgate was cut short. That they couldn’t get there by noon cause they were gonna leave at 1. That they have never had a game at noon so it’s weird and we just don’t like it. We Sox fans, we bitch. We get something for free, we still bitch. Leave the time the same and just roll the goddamn dice.
Ok, we got the ones outta the way that everyone is already bitching about, so here is the new shit!
When the game get’s called about 4pm, the game will be scheduled to be played the next day. According to my G-Chat with the fellas, every day is supposed to suck major balls all weekend. Friday could suck too. Well, a bunch of people can’t make that cause they have JOBS. Keep in mind that they would be hungover on that Friday, not doing shit, But hey, you’ll still get paid. Now, you will get a rain check on that ticket for just about any game you want. But wanna know what we’ll bitch about? WE PAID A PREMIUM PRICE FOR THAT TICKET AND NOW YOU WANT US TO TAKE A GODDAMN LOSS??? And we have a fucking point!
Last year, BeefLoaf had like 10 extra tickets for the home opener. He paid a premium for those tickets and he settled for some regular ass game during the season. He does that because BeefLoaf is pretty easy going. Some folks will be all types cheesed that they are exchanging a premium ticket for a regular game. Opening Day / Home Opener falls into that higher price bracket, (Cubs, Yanks) and I think we should get a premium ticket in return. I think last year you got the make up game plus another game in the early months. Can’t confirm, but pretty sure that was the deal. Which is nice, but not the same. Oh this will be a fun one.
Security. Lines. Blah.
Well, last year I think the lines went in right away and the weather was pretty comparable. We might get lucky this year and people will keep their mouths shut, but alas I doubt we will. There will be crews that are all types pissed that the security was too slow or that the line was too long. Listen folks, if you want no lines come to a game during the week, in May. Don’t go to a really popular day and complain about things that come with the territory of a popular game day. Or at least don’t be shocked. Get it? Good.
BeefLoaf’s Party Invite.
The 108’ers have a private party on Opening Day hosted By the ‘Loafs. It’s hella fun and usually I have to remind my wife like 25 times to eat food as she just talks and talks and talks. Then she get’s all hammered and has “no idea” why she is so hungover the following day. But you guys won’t have that problem, CAUSE YOU AIN’T INVITED.
As sure as the sun will shine, people will be up in arms when you see the time we be havin’ on the Twitter machine. We’ll be drunk as hell, rocking out and having far too many Baderbrau beers, all while at a party you think you belong at. Listen, were we at your wedding? Did you include us in your invite list to your daughter’s first birthday party? Of course you didn’t (and if you did, BeefLoaf is such a dick for not inviting you) because we DON’T BELONG. We’ll have multiple tailgates this year with the fine folks at Baderbrau that you can come to and party with us. You can drink and eat all you want for free! No shit. We are prepared to deal with your crazy ass then, we don’t need you shitting where BeefLoaf eats. Seriously, the guy has been known to eat a pretzel up in his bathroom.
Can you think of the shit storm that would ensue when you, drunk on Fruitsunami, decide that you wanna do your own “Sunday Soak” and you get shut down? You’ll start kicking one of ‘Loaf’s multiple animals that roam his house (no, not Slumpbuster or #WallyMoney ACTUAL ANIMALS) and ‘Loaf’s cousin loads his gun. Not fun times, not at all. You’ll get no invite cause while we don’t like like you, we do like you and want you to live. Fair? OF COURSE IT IS.
Why Don’t We Have A Roof ?
Folks, I don’t know why we don’t have a roof on Sox Park. As early as 1989, retractable roofs were a thing. And Chicago weather has sucked forever, so I am not sure why they didn’t think this through. Now, that being said, PEOPLE WOULD BITCH THAT THE ROOF WAS OPEN/CLOSED ALL THE TIME. Fo sho.
I was in AZ for 3 years. It’s balls hot out there, no way you can watch a game without a roof. Even harder would be playing said game, but let’s just focus on the fans here. AZ has a sweet pool in the outfield too, which is really fucking awesome and would make a great addition to the 108 in our view. Shit, we’d even take a hot tub and watch the game in there on Sunday’s followed by our crazy famous show “Sunday Soak Fueled By Baderbrau”. We could talk our regular shit and watch kids run the bases.
Anyways, most places that have a roof really need it. Well, maybe not Milwaukee, but they soft up there. While it would be nice to have, we seem to have done just fine since 1991 without the roof. Don’t get me wrong, temperature controlled baseball is pretty damn awesome, and not a single person in the 108 would bitch about a roof for the shit days. Cause if baseball is being played we have a killer excuse to drink more beer.
So there you have it! The 5 things that I can think of that will top the list of the major bitches. I am sure I will not be shocked at the new stuff that comes up tomorrow, but remember, it’s the funnest day of the year. Day drunk during the week? Sign me the fuck up. Go Sox!
While you are freezing tomorrow, remember that we have super awesome hoodies in our online shop. Take a look at them here! They are dope as fuck and going fast. We have some Slayer inspired shirts too that will be the hit of summer. So get your ass over there and spend some money. Thanks!