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Festivus for the Rest of Us
December 23, 2017
Good day friends, it’s your pal BeefLoaf continuing our 12 posts in 12 days leading up to Christmas Day. I was sitting around sipping some fine wine on a Sunday, watching NFL football and it got me thinking……drinking wine and watching football is fairly non-traditional (but awesome), so what other traditions can we change up and come up with a more excellent result. Enter, Seinfeld, the episode, “The Strike”. The main plot in the episode is that Kramer goes back to work at a Bagel store after a long…LONG strike. The reason people remember this episode though is because the Frank Costanza created holiday of Festivus is introduced in this episode. This is basically the epitome of what I was thinking about…..Frank had the metal pole to replace the tree, he had the “Airing of Grievances” at the holiday meal, in which you tell the other members of the meal what issues you might have with them. Lastly, Frank had the “Feats of Strength” which pitted George against Frank in a wrestling match before everyone could eat. Now, this isn’t exactly what I was thinking….I don’t want to create an entirely NEW holiday or anything like that, but I think there are a few Christmas traditions that could be chucked, or amended in the quest for improvement………
The whole Misteltoe thing always seemed fucked up to me to begin with. Don’t get me wrong, the younger single version of the BeefLoaf would be thrilled to get under the Misteltoe with a nice looking lady, but it all just seems incredibly creepy. We are now living in an era, where we are trying to eradicate these sorts of traditions that make people uncomfortable, so how about this………..instead of KISSING under the misteltoe, if you get caught under the misteltoe with anyone, ANYONE, then you MUST do the Kid N’ Play dance. Practice up mutherfuckers, we got a brand spanking new Christmas tradition.
This is a tradition that I have long loved, because it is sort of second banana to the main gifts, but you always land some tasty treats in your stocking. I can’t remember the last time I didn’t have either Oreo’s or Doritos, or both in my stocking (#FAT). Here in lies one of the inherent problems. There are tons of not so healthy treats in the stocking and since we are planning to crush lots of other unhealthy treats all holiday season, we don’t really need to add on here. Plus, not sure about the stockings you have, but they only fit certain sizes of gifts. You can’t really get certain things in the stocking that would be cool to have because of size / shape limitations. Not to mention, the fucking stockings we have at the BeefLoaf home aren’t smooth inside, the gifts catch, so here I am digging deep into a stocking (that I don’t know that well) and forcing gifts to the bottom so I can get the rest of the gifts into the stocking. WHAT. TO. DO? I suggest the fine folks at Amazon create “virtual” stockings for us, that we get to open up on a screen of our choice on Xmas morning. This would also allow us to exchange any of the gifts we don’t want for something of equal or less value. With the drone technologies that exist now, we should be able to have the ACTUAL items on our door step by mid-afternoon on Xmas day, just after we have finished the meal. Would be much, much better.
Not sure what percentage of the dozens of you who read these postings have actually been caroling, but it kinda sucks. First off, the person who organizes the caroling is often overzealous and the rotation of songs you are forced to sing are just way too big. People don’t know the words, truthfully, most people don’t really know how to sing (your pal BeefLoaf included), so why do this….plus, most people hide in their homes when Carolers come along like it is Jehovah’s Witness tryna get in your house and give you the word. My solution is simple, we add some 108ing to the Caroling and effectively make it Xmas tailgating. We’ll stroll through your neighborhood with a cooler filled with terrific Baderbrau beer and we’ll have a phone or possibly an OG boom box where we play one, possibly two songs at your doorstep. You come outside, enjoy a beer, possibly a shot of Jack Fire with Biguns…..dont’ worry, we’ll have candy for your kids, so its a family affair. We’ll all stand around enjoying a tasty beverage and realize that letting Jose Feliciano sing Feliz Navidad is MUCH better than the 108ers tryna sing it. After that, we’ll move on and your Xmas season will be all the better.
You see, these minor adaptations could vastly improve your holiday season, so why fight it. Do you have any suggestions to improve the Christmas Season, reach out to us on the Twitter Machine and drop some knowledge on us.