Hola and Happy Holidays Fuckers! What’s great about saying Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas is that you piss off a certain faction of people that really like to complain about people getting offended so easily. It’s great. To me it’s about being lazy and encompassing all of the December holidays into one. And I will tell ya Merry Christmas on Christmas if you happen to text or see me. But don’t send me a message on Twitter cause I never check that shit.
So if all the sexual assault news hasn’t really put you on the edge this holiday season (and a soon to be father of 2 girls, lord help the guy who dares do any of this bullshit to either of my daughters) the White Sox have released the initial promo list. One word describes this – HO-FUCKING-HUM.
Listen, last year was a banner year for promotions, I give props when props are due. You can read my list here, but you all should know that I love me some giveaways. Now, I know that the good stuff will be announced closer to when the individual tickets go on sale, but this list is just lacking all the components that made last year so successful (at least in terms of cool shit). Let’s dissect the good ones (Note: No pictures yet, so good is a relative term as of now).
1 – $1 Hot Dog Wednesdays, Free T-Shirt Thursdays
Fuck yes. A whole season of $1 dogs? If those t-shirts didn’t fit me before, they sure as hell won’t now. Two solid giveaways that the Sox did last year that really are awesome. Last year they moved away from the player shirts, but look for a couple this year with the new guys. Glad to see these two back.
2 – White Sox Quarter-Zip Pullover
This is interesting enough, so I deem it good. Much like the hooded t-shirt, this should be cool. I hope. I am 100% sure it won’t fit 90% of the 108, but that is ok. Who knows, maybe they’ll make some in our size.
Well that’s it, the rest sucks. Really. It sucks. Let’s look at the first losers.
1 – White Sox Winter Hat
Been there done that like 2 years in a row. This could be salvaged if it is a sweet hat, like a cool one. But it will be Cousin Eddie style, cheaper quality than last years, which was lesser quality than the first year. I don’t hold out much hope for this fitting my huge ass dome either.
2 – Los White Sox Soccer Jersey
Last year it was cool cause it was unique. This year it lacks imagination. It will be white or grey, instead of black, but same old thing as last year. Why not make a hockey jersey? Or a football jersey? Or give us a fucking bat like they did back in the olden days. And bat day should be during the Cubs series when the 108ers are NOT in attendance. To kinda quote an old Chris Rock “Nat X” bit, “The 108ers don’t wanna be around a Cubs fan with a bat”.
Here’s Nat X’s “Top 5 Reasons Brothers don’t play hockey”:
- Reason #5: It’s cold out there.
- Reason #4: They scared to get their gold tooth knocked out.
- Reason #3: Don’t want to be around white guys with sticks.
- Reason #2: Don’t want to be around a white guy with a mask.
- …and the #1 Reason Black Guys Don’t Play Hockey: Don’t feel the need to dominate yet another sport.
3 – White Sox Hawaiian Floppy Hat
Ugh. Hawaiian? Know how many White Sox fans have been to Hawaii? Like 32. And half of them were on their honeymoon so they didn’t even pay for it. You know where floppy hats are popular? Yep, up NORTH. Eff those guys. Now, I have a couple floppy hats because of 2 reasons. 1 – I am a fat guy who sweats alot. The hat comes in handy on hot as fuck days in the sun. I guess only one reason, that is the only reason it is acceptable to wear the hat. You will NEVER see a 108 floppy hat. Fucking never.
4 – Weather Day
Why? Fucking why? They drag all these kids out there under the pretense of watching a baseball game. But then Tom Skilling shows up and starts lecturing them about the sun, moon, clouds, yada, yada, yada. Did any of you see Tom when the eclipse happened? Dude was speechless and he cried. Straight up cried with some hippie in southern Illinois at a campground. The hippie hugged him too, it was lovely. Had there been a double rainbow, Tom would have needed to change his pants.
5 – Dog Day
This is always a fun day for most people, but BeefLoaf wants some pussy. “Equal rights for pussy!” he’s always yelling. TWO goddamn Dog Days not a single day for the cats. We in the 108 are very pussy friendly and we respect the pussy, best recognize. BeefLoaf has the best cats as they stay the fuck away from everyone except one of them, Cappuccino. “Cappi” seems nice enough but for years I have been warned about his assholeness, so I stay the fuck away. Pinky seems cool, but that cat is young and all over the place. And there is one more that you never see and therefore he is my favorite and I have no idea what his name is.
So there you have it, a rundown on the most recently announced 2018 promos. For my Christmas gift from the White Sox, I’d like to see Yoan Moncada and Tim Anderson bobbleheads. Maybe a Giolito and Lopez bobble too! I know Timmy sucked it up last year but the guy needs one. Yoan is a no brainer. Maybe an old player too, like Ron Karkovice. Ok, ok, I know I am asking for a lot of bobbles but half of them will be special releases, so yeah, no worries you’ll still get a shitty hat that doesn’t fit us fat head folks.
Big thanks to 4 of our fans for braving the cold and their shyness to come up to me and #WallyMoney at the White Sox Holiday Sale. It was one for the ages. Enjoy your free #JerseyDemolition shirt and make your friends buy one for the LOW LOW PRICE OF $20 SHIPPED. Yep, shipped to your door. Go here to buy one!