The 5 – The Next Owner of the White Sox……

Good day 108ers, it’s your pal BeefLoaf, coming at you with a 5, “Who I’d like to own the White Sox after Jerry Reinsdorf.”  Now, your buddy BeefLoaf is fine with Jerry Reinsdorf, I don’t have the thick hatred for him that a chunk of the fan base does, so I wish him good health and don’t hope this happens any time in the next few weeks (he is an octagenarian tho’).  Regardless, it is fun to day dream about the possibilities.  Of course, MLB owners have to approve a new owner so most of this group has no chance, because if it is one thing that MLB owners don’t like it is progressive thinking.  Just look at MLB owners they nominated one of their own to be commissioner the last few decades and then when it was time for him to retire, they just hired his errand boy.  It’s embarrassing…………anywho, here is the 5…..

MARK CUBAN

Rumor has it, Cuban was in on the Cubs bidding, but that MLB’s old boys club wasn’t a fan.  A lot of people don’t like Cuban and you can see why, if you watch the popular show Shark Tank how he structures deals or comes over the top because he has the biggest bankroll.

We need an ownership group like that, not one that has to giveaway a gimmick alarm clock to pump up concessions.  Plus, Mark has already taken a horrible franchise from cellar dweller to Champions….and our franchise ain’t as bad as them old Mavericks.  When you are the 2nd team in a city, you are going to need an inventive thinker as part of the ownership group, plus, he’d take the Cubs shit personally and do what he could to strike back against them.    I could see ol’ Mark using his money and connections to make the White Sox a perenial contender (he’d probably even bring Dirk Nowitzki around the ball park to sign some autographs).  Based on his sparring matches on twitter with various big shooters, he has the talent and ego to go head to head with anyone!

THEO EPSTEIN

Possibly the greatest GM/President of baseball to ever walk this damn earth is still in his early 40’s and thirsting for a piece of ownership.  He’s stamped his fucking ticket to the HOF already, so now he should just do what he really wants and be the man in charge of the whole damn thing.  He’d need investors, but you know he can get them, it’s Theo, he’s smart, handsome, and wins at everything.  Imagine how fucking giddy we’d be as Sox fans if he brought his whole Ivy League mafia to the Southside.

His bling needs no introduction.  He could even have his non-for-profit org along with shitty cover band come and play Reggie’s and the 108ers would gladly come to the show and get drunk and pretend to enjoy it!!!

OPRAH WINFREY

I consider Oprah Winfrey to be Chicago’s most successful person of my lifetime.  Think about it, back in the 1980’s she started out with her talk show around the time that Phil Donahue was the big cheese in that realm.  Oprah was a BIG. FAT. BLACK. WOMAN.

I mean, this was before all the money and the super diets and whatever else, the goddamn microphone looked like a match stick in her hands, but regardless, she overcame all of that and her talent and drive made her a monster success.  Now all that being said, I can’t tell you that she has a real interest in owning a ball club, but what I can tell you is this……the fucking giveaways at Sox games would be insane.  In true Oprah style, she’d probably be very hush hush on the giveaways allowing Sox fans to guess.  Then, BAM, one cool April Tuesday night at home, she gives away a new car to all 3,207 of us that walk through the turn styles that night.

MIKE DITKA aka “Da Coach”

Da Coach is probably the most perfect future owner of the White Sox, because he’s always looking to make a buck.  Much like the current owner, he’ll do whatever it takes to put a few $$ in his pocket and that’s something White Sox fans are used to.  Now, I’m not sure Jerry Reinsdorf would ever talk his players out of doing a product promotion so that he could do it hisself………OR………… get drunk and fall down at a public establishment….OR…..sexually harass the wait staff at his own restaurant…………

BUT, Chicagoans seem to love Da Coach regardless.  I could just imagine a bearded, deranged looking Coach on the scoreboard telling you to cheer loud for your White Sox and buy more Beggars Pizza!  What could be better!?!?!?!?!

There isn’t an egomaniac on this list bigger than Da Coach, the race between innings would probably become the Ditka race where you’d have 1960’s player Ditka vs. 1980’s head coach Ditka vs. 2000’s ESPN idiot talking head Ditka.  I’m going to guess there would NOT be a “Buddy Ryan Night” at the ballpark…..you ready for it Jason Benetti? #soxmath 1985

BRYANT and GREG GUMBEL

As famous Chicagoans as there are and they even went to the same high school as BeefLoaf and Chorizy-E, the Gumbel brothers could be great owners of our White Sox.  Of course, Greg would be out in the 108 wolfing down encased meats and brew dogs, shouting down “would-be” wave doers with the rest of the crew….while Bryant would be in the skybox in an ascot, brandished in blazer and smart trousers looking for his next female conquest, they could both greatly enjoy owning the ballclub.  The only true Southsiders on this list, it would be cool to get owners that are from here and that understand what it is all about.

 – BeefLoaf