The rebuild is in full swing, and that means good things for the future. But I’m not here to talk about that. I’m here to talk about some trades that can improve your enjoyment of games as soon as this year. I’m talking about concession stand trades. We need to be realistic though. Just like the Braves aren’t giving up Swanson, they ain’t giving up the Burgerizza either.
We need to get the ball rolling and we’re gonna start with a division rival. We’re going to Detroit.
Tigers get Elotes: To me this was a no-brainer. Sure, people love elotes, but we live in Chicago. You only have to go about 7 feet to find a guy selling these on the street. And I don’t know about you, but Chorizy-E prefers the price of street food to ballpark food. With only 3.5% of Detroit’s residents being Mexican, I’d guess this will be a most impressive cuisine to them.
White Sox get the Brat Pop: This is a fried bratwurst on a stick. My cholesterol went up just downloading the image. This is a much needed addition.
I really thought we could work something out with the Mets for their 108 burger, but they’re pissed we bolstered Washington’s lineup with Spanky. So I headed down to St Louis.
Cardinals get Bacon on a Stick: Bacon on a stick feels like a tough one to trade, but it’s the most overrated item in our lineup. Not to mention, we now have an excellent “on a stick” option. Don’t worry, the Cards will hook us up in the exchange.
White Sox get The Hill Meatball Cone: This trade is all about potential. We don’t need to stop at meatballs, we can go italian beef, giardiniera, sausage n peppers, and on and on. This is a Don Cooper project if I’ve ever seen one.
In this trade, we’re getting some minor league prospects from a team going for it now. Milwaukee is unveiling entirely revamped concessions, so we’re gonna gut their farm system. They’re putting in $20MM, they’re looking to deal.
Brewers get Ice Cream Helmet and everything at the Beggars Bar: The ice cream helmet in Milwaukee is weak, so this is a huge upgrade. And let’s be honest, it’s only warm enough 3 times a year to buy this in Chicago. They have a dome, so they’ll be fine. Last, I’m getting rid of the Beggars Bar, because fuck left field.
White Sox get (from the Wisconsin Timber Rattlers) the On Wisconsin Burger, Big Mother Funnel Burger, and Grilled Cheese Bacon Burger: Seriously, we gotta get a road trip to Appleton. These guys do not fuck around with their food. On Wisconsin Burger is a 1/3 pound burger with a split brat, beer-battered onion ring, cheese curds, nacho cheese, and fried sauerkraut.
Big Mother Funnel is a one-pound burger patty between two funnel cakes, with Romaine lettuce and a half-pound of Mozzarella blend.
The Grilled Cheese Bacon Burger uses two Texas Toast grilled cheese sandwiches made with American cheese and six slices of bacon to hold together a third-pound burger.
Yeah, this is a massive haul, but that’s what the Sox do now. Get used to it.
Now let’s get back to hanging on every word Scott Merkin writes on Twitter and everything Kenny tells Bob Nightengale to write.
About The Author
Section 108 Row 13, Bassist for Barren Plains, Acclaimed drunkard