There are many things in today’s game that make me scratch my head:
How did Ken Griffey Jr not get 100% of the Hall of Fame vote? Why do we do everything to protect pitchers, but then force them to bat in the NL? Why is Pete Rose not in the Hall of Fame? Did the Cubs really think we’d believe Darwin Barney was going to be their 2B of the future?
But more perplexing than all of these questions is that the Chicago White Sox organization believes that anyone in their stadium wants to drink Miller Genuine Draft. I drink my fair share of beers throughout the baseball season and every game, the same thing happens: A vendor tells me “Sorry, all I have left is MGD.” This isn’t that surprising as it would be the same if they made the hot dog vendors carry around 50 hot dogs and 5 blocks of tofu (I have no idea how tofu is served).
White Sox, why are you doing this to your vendors? Why are you doing this to your fans?
Please explain to me, who are these MGD drinkers? Have you ever seen an actual human pulling a case of MGD off the shelf at the store? No. Have you ever gone to anyone’s home and been offered an MGD? No. If someone offered you an MGD, you’d assume they had never had a beer in their life and just got whatever because they knew your drunk ass was coming over. It’s actually difficult to find a picture of someone drinking a MGD, except this guy, and you don’t want to be this guy.
It made me wonder if I was somehow closed off from the MGD revolution and was just unaware of how insanely popular this beer is. So I turned to the one thing I could trust, Al Gore’s internet. According to a study I found on beerinsights.com, my assumption was correct, it is simply not consumed.
It’s not in the top 20 beers sold in this country. More people buy Bud Ice and Natural Ice than MGD. More people drink Yuengling and you can only get that in like 5 states. So I ask again, why do the White Sox think we want to drink this?
Fear not, I didn’t come here to just bitch and moan. I am a man of solutions and there is a simple one. Replace MGD with High Life. As you can see from the numbers above, people consume High Life like few other beers in the country. Now I know what you’re gonna say “Chorizy-E, MGD and High Life are made with the same recipe, you idiot.” To this I say, mix up 2 batches of cake ingredients, bake one and freeze one. I’ll take the baked cake, you can have the frozen thing you ignorant MGD drinker. I mean, High Life is just delicious. If it were socially acceptable, I would drink it for breakfast. Hey, maybe I already do, but that is not the point here. The point here is allowing beer vendors to regain pride in every beer they sell, to allow fans to enjoy every beer that comes to their seat, and for me to get higher alcohol content beer than Lite for the same price without risk of it having a boisenberry aftertaste that is just lovely. Plus, we should honor this guy’s memory because he was truly awesome.
The Sad Truth
I leave you with a story. I was sitting two rows away from a father who had brought his teenage daughter out to a White Sox game on a beautiful summer afternoon. Around the 5th inning a beer vendor came by and uttered those fateful words: “Sorry, all I have left is MGD.” The father retorted “That’s fine, I’ll have one.” His daughter looked at him in disgust and said “I can’t believe you ordered that.” All respect she ever had for the man who lovingly raised her flew out the window. Chicago White Sox, you ruined that man’s family. Please replace MGD with High Life.
About The Author
Section 108 Row 13, Bassist for Barren Plains, Acclaimed drunkard