The 5 – Left Handed DH

Pretty much everyone has written about the Sox need at DH and more specifically, a left handed DH.  I feel obligated to put together my own wish list, so here it goes:

Barry Bonds

I know what you’re gonna say, he’s 51 years old.  That said, his last year in the bigs, he had over 1.000 OPS and that was only like 10 years ago.  So ok, you agree he could hit, but he’s with the Marlins as a coach.  Coach trades are usually pretty cheap.  Also, his affiliation with Dee Gordon shows me that he still knows where to get the magic potion that helped him extend his career.

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Adam LaRoche

This is a guy I definitely did not expect to be available this far into the season, but hey he’s out there.  Also, the fact that the Sox are nearly 40 games into the season means it is nearly impossible for Drake to attend as many games as he did last year.  I assume that should be enough to make everyone happy.

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Carlos Zambrano

This not only gets us a hitter, but also a pitcher.  He’s actually a switch hitter, which is even better.  In his career, he hit 24 HR and had 74 RBI, so he’s got some much needed pop.  If he could eat some innings as a reliever too, oh man, what a deal.  Few problems though: he only has 10 BB in 744 PA, he can’t pitch anymore, and he’s a fucking maniac.

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Prince Fielder

OK, so let’s look at a guy who is actually in the league.  He’s having a down year, but I am sure he still has some pop left in that bat.  The real story here is that he’d platoon with Avi, which he has kind of done in the past.  Reuniting those two great friends would be something you rarely get in this sport.

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Jordan Danks

He’s terrible, but we’re throwing so much money at his family for nothing, we can probably convince him to play for free.  Also, people loved him for some reason, it was as misguided as Bears fans love for Dane Sanzenbacher.

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-Chorizy-E

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Keep Your Balls Off The Field -Chorizy-E

As much as I love going to baseball games, there are a few things I cannot stand.  MySoxSummer already covered “the wave”:

https://mysoxsummer.wordpress.com/2015/09/14/my-video-made-deadspin-and-a-bunch-of-other-websites-damn/

Check out the video, because it’s wonderful.

The other thing that is equal in my level of hatred is people who throw home runs back on the field.  This annoys me more than anything else at a game.

What’s The End Game?

On top of it just being stupid, I really want to know what people think this act will accomplish.  Do you think they’ll take the run off the board?  Do you think that Eaton will relay to Lawrie to Avila for an amazing out at home?  Do you think Rick Hahn will see the beautiful, weak loft to your throw and give you millions of dollars to be the next Jim Parque?  Really, you’re an idiot if you do this.  Best case scenario is you don’t get kicked out for throwing something on the field.  Worst case is either you don’t even get the ball back on the field and you are rightfully ridiculed or your inability to throw accurately starts with you hitting a player with the ball and ends with Chicago’s finest helping you take the stairs down to the holding cell.  So as you can see, don’t do this dumb shit.

I don’t know what it is about Yankees fans, but they are seriously bad at this

 

But What Do I Do With The Ball?

So you find yourself with the ball after a Ryan Raburn home run, what should you do?  Well, you trampled 3 old ladies and 5 children to catch it, so you obviously don’t want it.  So let’s think.  I don’t know, maybe give it to a kid.  I am sure this is your first time around children and/or baseball, so I’ll let you in on a secret: It would make that kid’s day to get a baseball at a Sox game no matter where it comes from.  This is not really a perplexing problem, so if you find yourself in a situation like this, now you know how to deal with it.

Or if you’re really awesome and well prepared, like this kid, you can do this:

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Exception To The Rule

There is an exception to this rule.  If you are at Wrigley Field and you catch a Cubs home run, feel free to throw that back.  But they’ll definitely kick you out: https://www.sny.tv/mets/news/read-mets-fan-at-wrigley/149357710

-Chorizy-E