The 5 – Left Handed DH

Pretty much everyone has written about the Sox need at DH and more specifically, a left handed DH. I feel obligated to put together my own wish list, so here it goes:

Barry Bonds

I know what you’re gonna say, he’s 51 years old. That said, his last year in the bigs, he had over 1.000 OPS and that was only like 10 years ago. So ok, you agree he could hit, but he’s with the Marlins as a coach. Coach trades are usually pretty cheap. Also, his affiliation with Dee Gordon shows me that he still knows where to get the magic potion that helped him extend his career.


Adam LaRoche

This is a guy I definitely did not expect to be available this far into the season, but hey he’s out there. Also, the fact that the Sox are nearly 40 games into the season means it is nearly impossible for Drake to attend as many games as he did last year. I assume that should be enough to make everyone happy.

Adam LaRoche with Drake
Go read Sports Mockery

Carlos Zambrano

This not only gets us a hitter, but also a pitcher. He’s actually a switch hitter, which is even better. In his career, he hit 24 HR and had 74 RBI, so he’s got some much needed pop. If he could eat some innings as a reliever too, oh man, what a deal. Few problems though: he only has 10 BB in 744 PA, he can’t pitch anymore, and he’s a fucking maniac.


Prince Fielder

OK, so let’s look at a guy who is actually in the league. He’s having a down year, but I am sure he still has some pop left in that bat. The real story here is that he’d platoon with Avi, which he has kind of done in the past. Reuniting those two great friends would be something you rarely get in this sport.


Jordan Danks

He’s terrible, but we’re throwing so much money at his family for nothing, we can probably convince him to play for free. Also, people loved him for some reason, it was as misguided as Bears fans love for Dane Sanzenbacher.



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