White Sox “Trades” with EVERY TEAM – NL Central Edition

A long time ago, I was listening to an interview with legendary poker professional Phil Ivey and the interviewer asked the question (paraphrasing) How would you recommend a player learning the game get better the fastest? Phil said something to the effect of (paraphrasing) Buy in to a game at much lower stakes than you would normally play, and then play every single hand for an hour. Try and figure out how you would play all of these different hands in different situations and positions that you are normally taught not to play in. In the spirit of that recommendation from an all-time great, Chorizy and I are going to undertake the exercise of making a White Sox trade with every team in the majors…..this is the NL Central Edition.

Chicago Cubs

108er: Chorizy-E
White Sox send:
One pair of mascot pants
White Sox receive:
Jason Heyward and $25M
Rationale:
Look, I know Heyward has been pretty good the past two years. But Ricketts is out there acting like he’s Johnny Rose about to go have to live in Schitt’s Creek. With 3 years and $65M to go in that albatross of a contract, he may want to save some bucks. And in the trade, Clark the Cub gets some much needed pants.

St. Louis Cardinals

108er: BeefLoaf
White Sox send:
Eloy Jimenez
White Sox receive:
Jack Flaherty
Rationale:
This trade hurts, but it does solve each team’s most obvious needs, the Cardinals couldn’t fucking hit if they had the big red whiffle ball bat and the White Sox are staring down the barrel of another season where they don’t have enough starting pitching to handle a playoff series. Flaherty wasn’t the best last year, but his 2019 season was downright terrific. One bright note of trading Eloy, as much as it hurts, at least he gets to go and shove it up the Cubs rectum even more times annually! #Blest

Cincinnati Reds

108er: BeefLoaf
White Sox send:
Adam Engel
White Sox receive:
Amir Garrett
Rationale:
I like the White Sox young bullpen just fine, but Amir Garrett is a real ass-kicker from the left side and if Garrett Crochet is going to go back to the farm to become a starter and Aaron Bummer is going to slide into the closer role, well, I need a high leverage lefty now. Not to mention, any guy that is willing to run to the Pirates bench and fight all them mufuckas, that’s my kinda guy.

Milwaukee Brewers

108er: BeefLoaf
White Sox send:
Super Fan – George Jacobs
White Sox receive:
Super Fan – Front Row Amy
Rationale:
Look, I’m a fan of George Jacobs, and he was even nice enough to take a few minutes away from chatting up his adoring fans to take a picture with MySoxSummer, Wally$ and I, however, Rick Hahn has been signaling this move for awhile. Even though there were no fans in the stadium in 2020, the White Sox did charity cut-outs, but mysteriously missing behind home plate was one M&M Jacket guy George Jacobs. I think it is pretty clear that the White Sox want to go in a DIFFERENT DIRECTION at Super Fan.

Pittsburgh Pirates

108er: Chorizy-E
White Sox send:
Jonathan Stiever, James Beard, Zack Burdi
White Sox receive:
Joe Musgrove
Rationale:
I initially looked at Gregory Polanco as a left hand hitting RF seems like a nice fit, but the Pirates would be selling really low on him and I think they’ll take the first half of the season to try to garner renewed interest in him. So I turned my sights to someone who could help in the rotation. With some help from the Athletic Pittsburgh, I was able to craft something that would seem to fit the price tag. And we get a possible Burdi brother reunion if they end up at the same level of the org.

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