Is Daniel Palka Okay?

The Daniel Palka White Sox experience has been a GOT DAMN rollercoaster!! He shows up in Chicago as a materially unnoticed transaction for a materially unnoticed ballclub during an ugly rebuild. He gets his chance to play regularly, bangs 27 HRs in 2018, finishes in the top 5 for AL ROY voting, pretends he was a McDonald’s All-American and becomes a fucking folk hero to all of us working class fans….the guy was sitting on top of the world.

THEN.

FUCK.

Then 2019 happened, we don’t need to re-live the gory details, but it fucking sucked for everyone involved. However, our mans came through big on the final home weekend with a couple bombs much to the delight of the entire Section. Heading into the off-season he was able to hang on the 40 man roster a while, until he need to be moved off, but much to the delight of lots of us OG Palka fans, he cleared waivers and he’ll be back with the org (most likely smashing dingers in Charlotte until the big club need his help again). He even married his lovely bride in the off-season and getting married is always a stressful but life settling endeavor. It provides comfort, it allows you to be yourself.

HOWEVER.

None of this has anything to do with today’s post. We all know Daniel Palka as a hilarious, fun loving, out-spoken twitterer, but recently I done seen some scary things.

These are three straight, horrifically awful takes. The sort of takes that people just give you the big eyed stare to figure out if you are “taking the piss.” The kind of takes that you almost wonder if they are really sincere. It’s just bad. Let’s take a look at each one.

COLD PASTA IS BETTER THAN HOT PASTA

This is basically just trying to spin the Cold Pizza > Hot Pizza debate into something fresh. SPOILER ALERT, it didn’t work. Some of the finest meals civilization has ever created involve hot pasta. None of them involve cold pasta. Cold pasta is what you bring to a picnic because you don’t really want to cook some shit. Do you really fucking think Michael Corleone could murder Virgil Sollozzo and Marc McClusky ordering cold pasta….CHILD PLEASE!

OATMEAL COOKIES ARE BETTER THAN CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES

There are probably some idiot Cookie Hipsters that will come in here and try to spin a tale about Oatmeal cookies, but we ain’t having that. Do you love your dog? Of course you do. Guess what, your dog would 100% eat 5 lbs of chocolate, even though they know it will kill them. That’s how fucking delicious chocolate is, it smells great, tastes great and is the #1 cookie in a cookie draft. Your dog would also knock over a fucking bowl of oatmeal and look at you. GTFO.

WE NEED A WHISTLEBLOWER. FIND OUT WHO DIDN’T VOTE FOR JETER AND BAN THEM.

Case closed.

-BeefLoaf