12 Days of #108Mas: The 5 – Horny Christmas Jams

December 15, 2018

When I heard that people were all up in arms over “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” sounding a bit forward, I could only think of tons of other songs that are just oozing with way worse stuff than a guy trying to get some play. So I present 5 xmas songs that seem much worse.

5. Backdoor Santa – Clarence Carter

So, yeah. I know, I thought anal too. But nope, it’s just a Santa that makes “all the little girls happy, While the boys are out to play”. Yo Santa, WTF? Back in the day there was this sign that folks in my little town used to have all over the place – “Backdoor Guests Are Best” which we used to giggle about, but now you got a Backdoor Santa that keeps “some change in my pocket, in case the children are home. I give ’em a few pennies so that we can be alone”. Guys, santa is boning your lady when you are out, even if the kids are home. Holy shit.

You might be thinking, “but I never hear this song MSS”. You got a Goggle Home? Ask it to play it, it comes right up. Just like Backdoor Santa, fucking your girl.

4. Mistress For Christmas – AC/DC

From the band that brought you “Big Balls” we got this diddy. Not typically played during the holidays north of the Mason Dixon line, but listen to this gem.

“Listen, I like female form in minimum dress
Money to spend with a capital S
Get a date with the woman in red
Want to be in heaven with three in a bed”

Yo, I got nothing against paying for sex, especially if it’s a 3 way and you look like Angus Young without the talent. You gotta do what you gotta do. I am sure this song see regular rotation around the holidays on any “classic rock” radio station. Maybe even the strip club circuit. Good for the guys in AC/DC, they were drunk and said “The Americans are always asking for a Christmas song, so let’s do one all sexy like”. And they came through. With flying colors, especially with lines like –

“I can hear you coming down my smoke stack
I want to ride on your reindeer honey and ring the bells”

3. Santa Baby – Eartha Kitt

This song just oozes sex. Basically telling Santa she stopped whoring for a year so she deserves all this stuff. A Sable. A ’54 Light Blue Convertible. A Yacht. Deed to a Platinum Mine. Duplex and (blank) Checks. Decorations from Tiffanys’. But before you get the wrong idea, she also wants a ring, so you can get her all these things and then marry her so she doesn’t look like a girl just whoring out there. She’s a married lady, to Santa. She also says that she’ll be just as good next year if he just brings here all this stuff.

So hell, maybe they have an agreement and all, but it sounds like Santa is getting played like a piano (surprised she didn’t ask for one of those too) for very little or no action. Your call Santa, but I think you can do better.

2. Wit It This Christmas – Ariana Grande

Most of these songs are old school tunes, but here go Ariana Grande Davidson making a whole slow jam sex song about Christmas. Yo, it’s not an awful song if you are into Ariana Grande Davidson, sounds like every other fucking song she has done. Fellas, if a girl puts this on for you while you are visiting for the holidays, you best be ready to put it down.

She is basically throwing herself at the guy who happens to be over, which is really refreshing in comparison to the last song. She even says that they don’t need presents, mistletoe, fireplace she just wants to keep ya warm. You can be her drummer boy and she’s the only drum you gonna play. Holla! She wants to know if you are down with “these milk and cookies” which I know many of yous out there answer with a resounding “Hells Yes”.

Congrats to Ariana for knowing what she wants and isn’t afraid to broadcast it out there for all to see. You are a special girl, just kinda fucked up what you did to that Pete Davidson guy. Broke his heart and made him homeless in like an hour span. You’re ruthless baby, but we wouldn’t change that for the world.

1. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus

It’s a fucking classic, but Jesus (tis the reason for the season), why we gotta whore out Mommy like that? Ya think mommy is a single mommy, but nope, the kid is gonna tell dad. I don’t think daddy would laugh about it, especially not in the 50’s. And think how many women Santa has on his list for the night? Lotta cookies and kissing. Guy gonna get fat and sick AF.

I just don’t like seeing women be portrayed as whores like this. Especially with a fly-by-night fat guy (which we in the 108 kinda respect), but ya know. I’ve never met the real Santa, maybe he’s suave as fuck, but you’d think it’d get around that he’s whoring at an all time high level on multiple continents.

I know girls like the bad guys, but damn ladies, if you are married and the guy is presumably out working his ass off to provide for the family the least you can do is NOT make out with a fat bearded guy who hangs out with elves and is MARRIED himself! Have some fucking respect.