Good day, this is your pal BeefLoaf and this is the 5. 5 possible reasons that Eloy Jimenez is still in Charlotte…..ENJOY!
5 – Eloy has Halitosis
If there is one thing that could derail a young talent core of players is if the new talent dude has stanky breath. Think about it, you go to high five him and you get that dead tooth smell pouring out onto your jersey. What about when Eloy ends up the home run chain, the next dude who gets it gonna have to throw that muthafucka out. Whatta scene.
4 – Jeremy Haber forgot to file the paperwork
Every once in awhile, you read about some trade or some inadvertent free agency occurring because one of the pencil pushers simply forgets to file the paperwork timely or doesn’t file it correctly. We assume all this stuff always goes exactly right, it doesn’t. I remember in my first job out of college, a hedge fund was breaking up and I misread a name and allocated $30k to a dude that belonged to another dude. BIG MISTAKE….amazingly I didn’t get fired, but I do what it takes to get by
3 – Front Office knows if Daniel Palka loses playing time, WE. WILL. RIOT!
I can’t say we’ll protest and shutdown 35th street or something like that, but we’ll definitely be pissed and probably do some public display to show our displeasure (SURPRISE, it might have to do with consuming lots of alcohol and possibly falling down)
2 – More time needed to expunge his twitter account of racist / sexist tweets from 2011
You know I’m right. Nobody probably looked down this rabbit hole yet, and the front office probably realized it right around Labor Day. FUCK!!! We never checked Eloy’s twitter for bad tweets. Not to mention, they’ll need someone who can read spanish to do it. This clearly is going to take until at least April 12, 2019.
1 – Developing a sick bat flip is the last box to be checked
I know some people like a humble superstar, like the way Barry Sanders would just flip the ball to the ref after a TD, but this is the Southside and we want a brash star that nearly gets into a fight weekly with a hot headed player on the opposing team. In that vain, Eloy needs to work on his bat flip and get it to Joey Bats levels of ridiculousness.