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The 5 – FIRE Jeremy Haber!!!
May 12, 2018
Good day friends, it’s your pal BeefLoaf and I know how mad you is after that crushing loss to the Cub. After that, the minor league teams aka the “White Sox propoganda machine” took a poo all over themselves Bridesmaids style.
I know, I know, its a fucking rebuild, save your bullshit, today ain’t about that. Today is about irrational solutions to the problem of “I’m pissed about watching terrible baseball.” MY SOLUTION: FIRE Jeremy Haber. Some of you are like, who the fuck is Jeremy Haber?? I’ll be honest, the only reason I knew who he was, was because the fine folks @FutureSox had him on for an interview. As it turns out, Jeremy Haber is the Assistant GM or the Assistant to the GM, I’m not sure which, either way, he’s fired!!! Anywho, I am bringing you the 5. 5 Jeremy Haber replacements.
But wait, before we do that, I don’t know what the Assistant to the GM actually does…..then again, this isn’t a problem, most of you don’t know what I do and those that do know what I do, realize they can pick off 5 average Streetwise vendors to take my job tomorrow and not miss a beat, so this shouldn’t be too, too hard to figure….aight, here we go!!!
Hans Gruber – Look, I know he’s not with us anymore, but good candidates to replace the Assistant to the GM don’t grow on trees, so I went with a guy that WOULD’VE BEEN GOOD! We all know he was an “exceptional thief” and was transitioning over to “kidnapping” when John McClane dropped him off the Nakatomi building back in the late 80’s. Plus, the White Sox could use those $640 million dollars worth of bearer bonds to buy some free agent talent. Get this payroll moving in the right direction.
The Chairman of the Fucking Board Phillip Green – “He didn’t know too much, he didn’t want to know too much, he especially didn’t want to know that the bosses told the Teamsters to give him all that money, he wanted to believe they gave it to him because he was smart.” Do I need to say more? This seems like the perfect White Sox front office employee, he looks the part but doesn’t know shit. HIRED!!
Joe Sheehan – I’m a YUGE fan of Joe Sheehan’s work, he’s a smart baseball man and would probably be a very good outside the box hire for a TV or radio booth (the White Sox radio booth needs some work, but that’s a story for another time). Joe might even be able to filter down the message to Ricky Renteria to STOP FUCKING BUNTING!!!!!! However, Joe admittedly doesn’t play nice with others, which probably means he and Kenny Williams would end up fighting and he’d be out after a short while. Imagine that, a SMART GUY, who is ALSO a SMART BASEBALL GUY in a position of power for a BASEBALL team, instead of just a dude with a bunch of letters behind his name from an Ivy League school.
Howard Ankin – “YOU NEED MY MANG!” Since Ozzie loves this guy, again, it would probably be frowned upon, but he currently provides more entertainment to the White Sox broadcast than any of the players on the field. I bet if we ran a poll, at least 25% of people would say that Howard Ankin is their favorite part of a Chicago White Sox game on television. So why not hire him inside the org. He can still chase ambulances, nobody in this blog wants to interfere with that, but he could probably provide some valuable insight into how to turn a buck and how to spend it effectively. It’s something Rick Hahn could use a little “assistance” with.