This is not a baseball post
As you may or may not know, I was/am a big fan of To Catch a Predator. So much so that I donated to Chris Hansen’s kickstarter to get it back on the air. I was rewarded with episodes of Hansen vs Predator as well as an awesome fucking mug. But the one thing I don’t like about the show is that you never find out what kind of punishment was handed down to the creeps on the show that are trying to have sex with children. With all the news coming out about sexual predators, I figured we should think of some creative punishments for the creeps filling our news feeds. And to be clear, we’re assuming the guilt of all of these guys, because the post doesn’t really work without doing that.
This one is really weird to me, not because there is a creepy guy out there, but more because of the method. What the hell is the end game in jerking off in front of other people? Well, regardless, we need to punish this guy. Now, he has come out and admitted that he did this and that he has a problem. It was very Andy Petitte/Jason Gimabi-esque. So let’s give him some help. My buddy The Enigma got some horns implanted into his head a few years, so why can’t we implant some sandpaper into Louis CK’s hands. I mean, I can’t think of a better way to help him keep his hands off himself. So unless he figures out how to use his feet like Marty Huggins, I think we’ve fixed the glitch. Also, if the surgery is successful, just imagine the baseball scuffing possibilities!
First off, how do you get banned from a mall. I grew up going to Ford City so I’ve seen some crazy mall shit go down, but that’s a post for a different day. So this guy was in his thirties creeping on young teens. That’s fucked up enough, but then the story that came out about him with the 14 year old is just goddamn awful. Since this guy will soon be a senator, I wanted to think of someone in the political realm that could help us out, but it’s hard to think of someone significantly older than Moore. What I am thinking here is that each day before he goes to his job of senating, he first stops off in a dark room in the Capitol building where George HW Bush is waiting to do some heavy petting on Roy. I don’t think I need to say more to turn your stomach, so just enjoy that.
While we’re on the US Senate, let’s talk about Al Franken. This one gets a bit glossed over since some of the people later on this list have been far more horrible to female actors, but this deserves punishment nonetheless. I think what we do here, is cast Al Franken to be in a movie with the Rock. And in said movie, they have to kiss. Oh the hilarity of that awkward moment. But hey, you have to rehearse, so let’s go through that. Each day after the Rock has eaten his daily dose of 2 lbs of cod and whatever other gross shit is on his diet, well then it is time to rehearse. Franken is forced to kiss the Rock for as long as the Rock deems necessary. Oh did I mention that the Rock is on the toilet at this time? We really want Franken to smell what the Rock is cooking.
Spacey is accused of sexually harassing a 14 year old boy, similar to Roy Moore. Part of his apology was that he is gay, which I am unsure of how that relates to pedophilia. It would be like if my wife said “You came home from the Sox game, threw up in the refrigerator and threw the TV off the balcony.” To which I would respond “Well, I do love baseball.” So what can we do with Kevin, since we probably do want a few more movies out of him and if Roy Moore gets to be a senator, he should get to be an actor (prob not any disney network shows). I know you are probably thinking about that strap on from Seven, but we’re merciful people and this doesn’t carry a death sentence. Instead, in between acting, we put him in a gimp suit and lock in a box in Maynard and Zed’s basement.
On to the producer of the movie we were just talking about. This guy is the crème de la crème of creeps. Jerking off in front of others is only one of the disgusting weapons in his arsenal. You can read all about him on the interwebs, so I’ll let you do that yourself. I’m sure you’ll share my feelings on him even if you’re not married to an actor.
For this guy, I decided we should pull something from a movie that he did not produce, but is a favorite of the 108: Boogie Nights. I’m sure you remember more about Burt Reynolds and Marky Mark, but lest we forget the tale of the Colonel. It seemed to be going so well for him producing all these films and taking advantage of his position in doing so. It sounds very familiar, so let’s end it just the same.
If you read this whole post, thanks for letting me vent.