The Kenny Williams Dream Team

I am all in for the rebuild and I really hope they do it.  So let’s, for a few moments, imagine that they do.  And I mean, completely gut the team.  Sale and Quintana traded, Abreu to the Mets, Eaton to the Cards, Melky and Robertson returned to NYY, tender a bunch of guys and then move em, and so on and so forth.  But this article is not about the haul we’d get back for these guys or the future of the Sox.  This article is about the team we’ll field in 2017.  It might just be the team that Kenny has always dreamed of.

Let’s start with who stays:

Position Players: Anderson at SS, Saladino utility man, Narvaez backup C, and Tilson as 4th OF
Pitchers: Shields, Fulmer, Rodon SP; Jones, Petricka, Jennings, Putnam, Danish RP

So let’s start filling in the blanks:

Right Field

This is so obvious, I’ll get right to it.  Ichiro is playing RF for this team.  If there is one guy out there that Kenny would tell Rick they need if we’re rebuilding or even if we’re going for it, Ichiro is that guy.  He’s just under 75 years old, he’s lost a couple steps, he can’t hit all that well anymore, and his defense has fallen off.  He’s a perfect fit.  Meme courtesy of @HashTagReggie

Left Field

You’re probably feeling like I’ll say Carlos Beltran or Matt Holliday.  Trust me, neither would surprise me, but there is a LF out there that we’ve been tied to in trade rumors so many damn times, he has to come here.  Plus he strikes out a ton, which is something we’re always looking for.

He was a top prospect in STL and I thought we were gonna trade for him as they got tired of him.  Then he seemed to find his way in TOR momentarily and again he looked like an option for the Sox.  Then, in HOU, he showed that he’s good for about 20 HR and 130 Ks per year.  I thought he was gonna be a Sox last year, but then he took the qualifying offer from our side chick.  I give you Colby Rasmus, whose neck beard will look beautiful in front of the bleachers.

Center Field

There is nothing better than a once highly touted speedy free agent who became an albatross contract and can’t get on base enough to get more than 20 SB.  And oh yeah, he’s 34!  Michael Bourn is the perfect piece to finish off this outfield.  He’s already made over $62MM in his career.  While that probably makes you sick, it tells me that he might be willing to sign pretty cheap and see if he can get traded to a competitor if he can get on base.

First and Second Base

Unfortunately Jimmy Rollins didn’t work out, but that should not stop us from going after the rest of that infield.  Give me Ryan Howard and Chase Utley.  Utley obviously hates his family if he’s still playing, so why not come hang out with his boy Ryan Howard in Chicago.  Howard on the other hand is chasing 400 HR, so he’ll come here, hit 18 HR to get there and strike out 250 times while he’s at it.  Shockingly, the Phillies did not retain his contract, so he’s just sitting out there waiting to be signed.

Third Base

This position is very very thin this year, so they’ll definitely consider trying to get Chone Figgins to come out of retirement.  However, we all know who needs to be back on this roster.  A favorite of the 108, Juan Uribe.  Honestly, if this is the only off-season move we make, I’d be happy.

Catcher

Calm down, we’re not bring back AJ.  I just gave you a 2005 guy, so get that out of your head.  Instead let’s go after a guy who had a lot of promise coming up, but has time and time again proven he’s terrible.  At the very least, you’ll get an excellent Bob Nightengale article on how Jarrod Saltalamacchia is gonna be the piece that brings it all together.  Yeah, I’m taking Salty.  Shut up, catcher is thin for names.  Other than having an extremely long last name, he was part of the massive haul that the Rangers got for Teixeira and now both he and Neftali Feliz (also in that trade) are available in free agency.  We’ll get at least one of them.

Bench Players

Who cares?

Relievers

We need about 3 of these, so we’re gonna get two names that have haunted the Sox: Pat Neshek and Fernando Rodney.  Don’t know how old and/or injured these guys are and I don’t really care.  Sign em up.  Neshek was one of those Sox killers we hear so much about.  This was when he was playing with the Twins and both the Sox and Twins were contenders.  If that seems like a long time ago, it was.  Rodney was part of the very bad and then very good Detroit Tigers and he played a key role in the bullpen.   Since then, he’s played for about 35 different teams, so it’s time for him to land on the southside of Chicago.

And oh yeah, Edwin Jackson will be our closer.  Sorry Nate, we’re trying to create more trade value here.

Starting Pitchers

Did I mention that when we sent Robertson and Melky to NYY, we had to take back some salary?  Sorry if I didn’t, but yeah we got CC Sabathia.  He hasn’t been good since 2008 when Ned Yost ruined him by pitching him 46 times in the final 50 games of the Brewers season.  But we all remember when he was good.  And to truly round out the staff, we’re adding back a favorite and another former Indian: Bartolo Colon.   This may not help our win totals, but it definitely increases the sheer size of our staff, and you know that’s a good thing.

The fact that they’re both former Indians makes me think of Major League when the players show up for spring training:

Renteria: “I thought you said we didn’t have any high priced talent.”
Hahn: “I forgot about Sabathia, because he’s only high priced”

Renteria: “I wish we had Colon 8 years ago”
Hahn: “We did”
Renteria: “14 years ago”
Hahn: “We did”

Designated Hitter

I left this for last because I just really want it to happen.  Kenny tried damn hard to do this a while back, but finally, we get A-Rod.  Yeah, I know you hate A-Rod, but that doesn’t stop me from wanting to see this.  A-Rod has taken on the bad guy role better than Andy Kaufman could ever have imagined it.  He’s like a passive-aggressive Dennis Rodman.  Staying in the league on a bad team so he can pass Babe Ruth on the HR list is the ultimate bad guy move.  And from the Sox standpoint, why not bring in a guy who will hit his 700th and possibly 715th while in your uniform?

Look, I’m not trying to tell you that this is gonna be some great team.  This will be a pretty bad team.  And if anyone plays well, they should be traded immediately.  But look at the roster I just assembled and tell me that this isn’t everything Kenny Williams has ever dreamed of.  You have guys chasing HR numbers, you have players that were dominant within our division that are old as shit now, you have former all stars that can no longer play, highly touted prospects that never panned out, and most importantly players the Sox failed to sign when they were good.  At long last, Chorizy-E and Kenny Williams have aligned on an off-season plan.

–Chorizy-E