According to my guy MySoxSummer we are in the midst of the never ending month of January. I really feel that too. Work has been busy, it will continue to be. The weather isn’t bad, but it’s not good and there is no sun. We are still months away from the White Sox playing a game that matters.

Usually in these pages I am operating on the White Sox condition with relative precision, using an excel spreadsheet, widely available statistical data (some from behind a paywall) and whatever concept jumped into my brain that morning. I love doing that sort of shit. But today, I think a different approach is required. Enjoyment of the game for me is both analytical and aesthetic, so why not lumber down the latter path. Vibes matter. Let’s get a White Sox Vibe Check.

VIBE CHECK!

I think the best way to do this is to put some of the White Sox players into tiers as to how I see their vibes. This is totally subjective, but since I am judge and jury on the matter, these rankings are FINAL (to me). I could probably break these down into a straight 1-20 ranking or whatever, but that’s a little too nerdy. We’ll start with groupings and see how it goes.

FLAVORLESS VIBES

I don’t mean to pick on Andrew Vaughn at every turn. But if the shoe fits, it fits. This is my group of guys that basically give me no vibes. It’s not bad, it’s not good, it’s fucking nothing. Flavorless. Like they’re your mom’s pork chops. Thin, dry and flavorless. Sorry, not sorry.

TOUGH GUY VIBES

These are the dudes that I don’t want to run into in a dark alley. And if the White Sox end up in a brawl, these dudes are the first line of defense imo. Jose Ruiz I am physically afraid of. Gavin Sheets, I initially didn’t think much of, but he basically dragged Jose Abreu out of a potential fight. Abreu ain’t small. Sheets is “country strong”. Joe Kelly, ldo. This is a star studded group.

NERD VIBES

Lucas Giolito is the leader in the clubhouse of this fucking group. Look at this dude. Gamer headset, one handing a kitten, in a totally white room. Even as a YUGE cat guy, this is nerd shit. Dylan Cease plays FROLF. Do you play FROLF? Of course not, you aren’t a huge dork. I put Seby Zavala in this group just because he looks like a nerd. Whatevs.

COOL VIBES

These fellas exude cool. Luis Robert and Yoan Moncada are always fresh to death, in uniform or not. I would’ve put Michael Kopech in the sweats too much for a man his age vibes section, but he was really the only one so he lands here. Leury Garcia, the LEGEND, fuck yea. Game 3 FOREVER!

ELITE VIBES

This is the top of the heap. Reversed for the guys on the roster who’s mere presence on the field or on my television in any capacity makes me happy. Tim Anderson, ldo. Liam Hendriks came here a couple tree years ago and has been a goddamn LIVE WIRE. Love him! Lance Lynn is the current spiritual leader of the entire SouthSide. Finally Eloy Jimenez, there isn’t a player who works the crowd more when he is in the field. If we could just keep him from ripping a titty, his interplay with the left field stands is LEGENDARY. THIS IS AN ELITE GROUP!

How’s that for a VIBE CHECK!?!?!?

-BeefLoaf