Hello to the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse! Today I am gonna list the Best Christmas Elves. I may or may not be high AF right now, so read on with caution. Many thanks to Midway Dispensary for taking care of MSS with their great selection.
Bad Santa – Tony Cox.
No doubt about it, if you are gonna make this list you have to start with Marcus Skidmore. He really makes the Bad Santa franchise what it is. Just tearing down Bernie Mac here is wonderful. Plus he was in some other really awesome movies too. Return Of The Jedi, Spaceballs and the critically acclaimed Blankman. Seriously he might be the most prolific “little” actor of our generation.
Elf – Peter Dinklage.
“He’s an angry little elf..” I mean how fucking funny was that scene in Elf where he beat the shit outta Buddy? Pretty goddamn funny. Plus he did the most #108ing in GOT and was with the most whores. Hell Yeah!
Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer – Hermey.
You gotta give props to the dude for refusing to conform to the bullshit slave factory ol’ Santa was running up there in the North Pole. I mean being born into something doesn’t mean you should do it. Adult film legend JMac is about to have a son. I hope his son will choose to go into the family business of boning the best new talent in the states, but he shouldn’t HAVE TO do it.
Wee Sing / The Best Chritmas Ever! – Poofer.
I was all excited when I saw this movie cause I saw this poster –
Yep, that’s Poofer in the middle. I was like “look at the set of balls on this movie to have a little person in it and use the word ‘wee’ in the title”. But alas it’s just a fucking regular sized person playing an elf. The FULL fucking movie is on YouTube here. What little I watched of it was pretty fucking creepy. Seems like something that was made to sell to church going folk in the 90’s. I shouldn’t even include this, but by the time I found out the bad news of him being full sized I was really too high to delete it.
These two elves run the universe in this fantastic piece of adult cinema. I’ll be honest, I was gonna include Bridget Powers in this list come “high or hell water” but I had no idea I would get to include the legend Napoleon. What a fucking treat. I don’t know if the movie is all that good, but it was written by (and stars) Rockford’s very own Ginger Lynn. I was gonna say it was when she came back into the industry, but she never fucking left. If you wanna decide for yourself, you can do a simple google search and find the full movie. Bridget is at the end, so you HAVE TO WATCH IT ALL IMO. At least you can tell your wife or GF that I said that. You’re welcome.