Hey Hey! Not sure if you heard but the Chicago White Sox hired back former manager Tony LaRussa! NO SHIT! They fired him 34 years ago, but while he was gone, he won 3 World Series titles and has been inducted into the Hall Of Fame. He brings an impressive resume as a manager and a nice pile of social baggage. We can debate all that shit at a later date, or just fire up the Twitter machine for HOT TAKES! But today………..let’s focus on shit that matters.
I had no idea the White Sox would be so receptive to bring back things from the 80’s, one of the best decades EVER! The 80’s were a GREAT time folks, radical. I know some of you lived it (some more than others) and some of you missed it entirely. I think it’s my duty to remind y’all of the 5 best things that the White Sox can bring back!
The Original Party Animal!
Dats right! Spuds MacKenzie! For those not in the know, back in the day cartoons and animals used to be in all of the advertising for alcohol and cigarettes! NO KIDDING! The most popular one was Spuds MacKenzie, the bull terrier from Illinois, despite what that penis-nose camel says…
The marketing geniuses at Budweiser were like “How to we get kids to think our light beer is cool? Well…….everyone loves a party animal, wait…animal….dog…….dog that drinks and parties……..KIDS LOVE DOGS!” I mean, the Sox already have a deal with Bud and Bud Light. Bringing back this iconic character will help the transition in 2 ways. 1 – Spuds just screams 80’s and 2 – if it goes badly, you have a beverage that helps you forget. Just sayin’. PLUS – Spuds MacKenzie bobbleheads!
Fun Fact! – Spuds was actually a female named Honey Tree Evil Eye and sadly passed away from kidney failure just before her 10th birthday in 1993.
Ever wonder why people looked so slim in the 80’s? COCAINE.
Ever wonder why the music was so fucking crazy in the 80’s? COCAINE.
EVERYONE in the 80’s, from rock stars TO Wall Street executives TO stay at home moms were snorting the shit out of the booger sugar. It was a way of life and we were all on board! Well, until black people started making their own version that was cheaper and more addictive, then the government decided that we should shut this down. When you think 80’s, think blow.
Neon Bicycle Shorts!
The OG yoga pants were actually spandex and from the 80’s. The fact that we all wore multiple layers and baggy clothes in the 90’s is directly related to the tight shirts and nut huggers that the 80’s spawned. They were crazy tight and made you feel like you were wearing nothing at all.
But for every good looking person wearing these shorts, you had a few that maybe shouldn’t be wearing them. It’s just the price you pay folks. Unrelated, I know BeefLoaf is on board with bringing these sexy shorts back to the masses as he is against sleeves and loves short shorts.
Oakley Razor Blades!
You can’t ride you neon pink 10-speed without neon biker shorts AND your Oakley Blades! Back in the day these were $100 and up. In today’s money, that’s at least $1,000. They were so fucking popular in my cow-tipping hometown that girls and guys used to put the stickers on their cars just to show their support.
I am a huge fan and so are some of our players…
I assume that TLR has some vintage Oakley sunglasses laying around the house as it’s been my experience that old folks don’t throw away ANYTHING! Especially if they paid a bunch of money for it back in the day. Let’s put that thriftiness to use and give them to your new team Tony! They’ll love them and maybe that will help you start the “Get to know you..” conversations. Maybe bring cocaine and the sunglasses, be double relatable.
Shamed Mascots Ribbie & Roobarb!
The most polarizing figures in South Side baseball history weren’t even players, they were unidentified animal like creatures. After the team was purchased by Eddie and Jerry, these two guys / girls / things were created by the same firm that made the Philly Phanatic. Talk about cocaine in the workplace…
Perhaps one benefit of these two, at least to Chorizy, was upon their creation, Andy The Clown was no longer welcomed in the park. And can we talk about that for a minute? The Sox allowed a grown man in a clown costume to walk the stands and say hi to kids. If Aloha Mr. Hand did that today, he’d be in jail in 13 seconds. Fucking 80’s man, dangerous as fuck!
This is by far the EASIEST thing for the White Sox to do take us back to that magical decade! Imagine this duo in the 108. I’ll start yelling at Ribbie when he tries to start the wave, he dumps water on me and hijinx ensue. We could all go shirtless on a hot summer day and not be the worst looking in the bunch! Or maybe Wally $ has too much accelerator one day and doesn’t like the looks of the googly eyed Roobarb and they start throwing hands. I mean, how exciting will that be? I’d even PAY to see that.
And I’ll put this out there, BeefLoaf and myself would gladly play this duo for FREE. That’s right White Sox! Save that money for a free agent and let us entertain the crowds. We’ll be there anyways and you wouldn’t even have to buy ‘Loaf shoes as his regular shoes look like mascot shoes anyways!
So there you have it folks. 5 things that would help the transition back to the 80’s go much smoother! What did I forget? Tweet it at me!
As the local retail stores are letting me know, CHRISTMAS IS FUCKING COMING NOW! I don’t wanna tell you how to spend your money, but we got a shitload of products for the Sox fan! Best part is, you can play it off as you are just a fan of heavy drinking fatties from the south side! It always gives you an out. So check out our store here –
We have all sorts of sizes right now, so buy while they are still available. Sweatshirts. T-Shirts. Cups. Stickers. Plus, I’ll include a koozie from our buds over at BWR Chicago for fucking FREE. Make that order now……