Welcome friends, this is the 5, inspired by #WhiteSox twitter, which is simultaneously looking to move on from sweating Manny Machado rumors on twitter and can’t stop fucking refreshing twitter looking for said rumors. Anywho, here are 5 alternatives to continually sweating twitter for those rumors, now, I know what you are thinking, I’m going to tell you to meditate or exercise or some shit like that….I’m not, that’s for overachievers. We are straight C type students, not showing off, and not falling behind. This is a list for us.
5 – Eat some pudding
Pudding is delicious and ever since the whole Bill Cosby scandal, pudding, particularly Jello pudding has been getting a bad fucking wrap. I suggest going to the grocery store, grabbing a couple of fist fulls of chocolate pudding packs and dig in. You’ll love it so much, you’ll be dancing in the streets singing the praises of pudding and handing off pudding packs to random folks on the street. You’ll stop thinking about Manny Machado immediately.
4 – Re-Learn the Macarena
That’s right, I have no idea what the big homeys Los Del Rio have been up to since the mid 90’s, but you know and I know that we learned that fucking dance and now we have forgotten it. A vital piece of our personal history has been trashed in favor of learning about “advanced metrics” or some other bullshit, awful!! Let’s take back the part of our life when we learned the hip dance of the time period just so we wouldn’t miss out. Fuck, we can probably get it going in Section 108 during the season if we all just take the time to work it out. I see a big coordinated scoreboard appearance for us friends. That’s much more important than Manny Machado.
3 – Play with some puppies
I love dogs and cats. They are essential to a happy life imo. If you don’t love house pets you are a horrible menacing curmudgeon of non-humanness. I recently spent a few hours on MLK Day with Mrs. BeefLoaf and Bonita Steakie at a PetSmart that had an Anti-Cruelty wing to it. We went in and played with puppies, it was fucking amazing. It costs $0, it brings joy to the animals and to you. Why even bother looking at twitter when you can play with puppies. Manny Machado would want you to do this, in fact, he’s not signing with the White Sox unless you do this shit…RIGHT. DAMN. NOW!!
2 – Read a book
Look, I know the 108 family and friends ain’t necessarily Umberto Eco or some shit like that, but I think we could spend a little more time reading books. If I had to guess, your subscription to Juggs magazine has just run out, so it might be time to go out and BUY an actual book. Fuck it!! You can go to the library and just take out a book. If you have children, read to them, or read with them. If you don’t find yourself a book that interests you. I’m not looking for a goddamn book report here, I want you fulfilled in a way that bullshit report tweets by Bob Nightengale won’t do. I like Nassim Taleb, he’s probably my favorite author…..so maybe check out something in his catalog and tell me if you enjoy it. Manny Machado probably doesn’t read Nassim Taleb, so you’ll instantly be smarter than him.
1 – Exercise
Alright, I admit, the 108ers don’t look like the fittest crew out there, but you know damn well that a good workout will make you forget about this Manny shit and really enjoy life. I’m not suggesting you train for a marathon or something, that would be lunacy, how about a 2 mile walk while you listen to some music, or how about you ride a bike. Look I know the weather sucks but even 90 seconds of doing the old “IN-OUT” with your significant other constitutes “exercise”, I mean, it’ll get your heart rate up and I know for sure you’ll feel better after. Manny Machado is probably doing the old “IN-OUT” right now, he’s not thinking about you, so why think about him?