Drunk Talk: Cans are better than bottles

January 21, 2019

As an avid drinker (drunkard), I buy my fair share of beer. And this increases during baseball season. Over time, I have found that I will always opt for cans over bottles when purchasing delicious beer. It seems like a trivial difference, but let me explain my case.

Stackability

Unless you’re Dr Dre and Snoop Dogg, you cannot devote an entire fridge to 40s. So you have to do what you can with the space you have. When your enjoy Beldar Conehead style mass consumption of beer, this becomes a problem. And this is the first area where cans really shine. I can stack about twice as many cans in my fridge as I can bottles. This goes for coolers as well.

Chillability

Much like it is anchorman and not anchorlady, it is also a scientific fact that beer gets cold quicker and holds its temp longer in aluminum than in a glass bottle. Honestly, that might be bullshit, but I am pretty sure I saw that in a commercial once and I wholeheartedly believe it to this day. Pro tip: add some cold water into your cooler full of ice and beer to chill those bad boys quicker.

Koozability

Along the same lines, keeping your drink at the temp you want can be aided by koozies. Also, koozies are just awesome. I love them and me and Quernzy have a whole drawer full of em. And you know what, the ones for bottles just kind of suck. I like the idea, but how many different drinking accessories do i need to carry?

Portability

Look, if you’re anything like me, you like to go to a tailgate every now and then. Or maybe just a party at a friends house. One thing I know is that carrying a shitload of bottles is awful. Carrying cans is far preferable.

Smashability

Once you’ve had 60-80 beers at a tailgate, there is not so much room in the single garbage can provided to your area by the White Sox, so bottles are just a nuisance. Instead, you can crush down your cans to nothing. Also, if you drop em, you don’t have shards of glass everywhere. Still a party foul, but safer for everyone.

Charitability

You can also give em to a homeless dude to recycle. Here we are helping the homeless and saving Mother Earth, damn we’re good people.

Shotgunability

It’s not really my thing, but I know the kids these days like to shotgun a beer every now and again. You can’t do that with a bottle. You need to use a can.