Good day friends, as you know, we are in the midst of our 12 days of Xmas blog posts here at the @fromthe108 blog, today I bring you a dilly dally and a jilly jam so sine your pitty on the runny kine and let’s do this!!! I know Malls are barely a thing anymore and Mall Santas even less so, but let me run this back to when Mall Santas were plentiful, I bring you, the 5.
5 – Ben Rape
Look, we needed to add the creepy, horny, smelly mall Santa that permeates movie folklore. Most recently this sort of Santa was played by Artie Lange in Elf
(boy has Artie aged gracefully) and now will be played by an even more handsome, even bigger creep in Big Ben. He’s the type of mall Santa that has you sit on his lap to see what “pops up!”. He’s already been involved in several sexual assaults, ALLEGEDLY!!! Remember when the NFL suspended him, but also sort of helped him cover up his digressions? He’s perfect for this role.
4 – Papa Smurf
Okay, I admit, there is a bit of a size issue with listing Papa Smurf here, but I thought it was time to give him his do anyway. I figure there are probably a work around or two that we can figure out, we’ll just get an architect (not Art VanDelay) and physics expert and we should be able to handle getting 50 lbs kids on the 6 inch tall Papa. I know Papa Smurf isn’t exactly in professional sports, but if you watch the badass Smurfs tangle with Gargamel and Azrael, you’ll know they are true sportsmen (and women) and deserve to be on this list.
3 – Daniel Palka
We need one fun lovin’ jovial Santa that the moms will think is a hunk and that is Daniel Palka. I’m not even sure he’ll remember to ask the kids what they want for Christmas, but I know he’ll be cracking jokes and tossing candy canes around to kids and adults alike. Given the MLB’s pay structure for players in their pre-arbitration phase, this Mall Santa gig will be the best he’s paid all season.
2 – Diego Maradona
I just couldn’t have a list here without the Santa that has the “magic dust”, Diego Maradona. I understand he’s only slightly bigger than Papa Smurf who is #4 on this list, but I figured since we are putting in time for a work around for him, we could do the same for Maradona. Now, you can’t have such a celebrated World Wide star as mall Santa without a few risks. 1. He’ll likely curse, A LOT, but luckily the curses will mostly be in spanish, so it will only effect about 30% of the participants 2. As noted he likes to imbibe a bit (#108ing……………and stuff like that) so it’s possible he might pass out and/or need to be rushed to the hospital. Sorry fam, them the grits. Otherwise, we are sure he’ll do a great job!
1 – Lovie Smith
Former Bears head coach and still the last head coach to take them to a Super Bowl is now the coach of the University of Illinois football team, which is probably why you didn’t know what he has been up to, but what he has been up to is growing the most fantastic beard that I have seen in the last decade. I think Lovie is tryna look like Frederick Douglas, but in the process is giving us the best fucking real life Santa beard I have seen in my lifetime. He’s an ace in the hole for this position. Also, he’d be great with kids and parents. For one, he’s always been a great players coach so he’d get the kids to be honest with him and really open up about what they want from old St. Nick, but also, he’d probably help them set realistic expectations, which is key for mom and dad. Whatta guy. Definitely numero uno on this list!