Good day friends, it’s your pal BeefLoaf here. As you might imagine, the 108ers are eagerly awaiting Giancarlo Stanton and Shohei Ohtani finding their new destinations as it is gumming up the works of the rest of the 2017 Hot Stove. Once those two are done, then we can see what shrewd moves our White Sox are going to complete. So, I was surprised when friend of the 108, and long-time TEAM CHORIZY proponent @NotRickHahn dropped an assignment in the 108ers lap. He asked us to “handle” the Shohei Ohtani questions. For those not in the know, Shohei Ohtani’s management team sent around 7 questions for MLB teams to answer. Why are we getting this assignment? Two reasons. 1. @NotRickHahn likes crushing churros and making deals, he don’t like questionnaires. 2. The White Sox have the least money possible to offer Ohtani, now this may not make that big of a difference, but let’s face it, there’s very little chance he’s coming here anyway, so why have your big money people working on this? Why not have some season ticket holders that may or may not be hitting the eggnog a little early, handle it?
Here is the list……
I tried to enlist Chorizy-E to help me with this task, but when we got to question #1, he went all Barbara Billingsley translating in Airplane, so I realized we really couldn’t use it. We are racially and culturally sensitive here at the 108 and we can’t have any of those types of shenangians.
1. Evaluate Ohtani’s Talent as a Pitcher and as a Hitter
Answer: We’ve really only seen video of you playing, but you’re a terrific player. I hate to insinuate the motive for a particular question, but I think what you are really asking here is, will we let you hit in addition to just pitching for our club? The answer to that is…FUCK YEA! You see our last full-time DH was this guy 悪い
Before that, was this guy 悪い
and now, some people want us to play this guy at DH again this season…..悪い
So obviously, you can hit anytime you aren’t pitching or prepping to pitch.
2. Explain Their Player Development
3. Medical Training and Player-Performance Philosophies
Answer: Oh, this is an easy one……for overall health, we have this healthy looking guy manning the ship.
And specifically for your arm health, we have this fine specimen on the case.
Lastly, we have the best food of any stadium on the planet, so you’ll get plenty of calories to nourish your growing body.
4. Description of Minor League and Spring Training Facilities
Answer: Let’s face it, you won’t ever see any of those minor league stadiums assuming you stay healthy and with the super healthy dudes I mentioned above, I don’t see how that isn’t a lock. Our Spring Training facility is shared with the LA Dodgers, so you know its gotta be pretty cool. Also, I heard that there is an Indian Casino not that far from the facility. Not that I am insinuating that an asian fella like yourself might fancy gambling, but just know it is there if you need it.
5. Resources for Ohtani’s Cultural Assimilation into Their City
Answer: First thing to know about America is that people here think all Hispanic people are Mexican and all Asian people are Chinese. And….OH SHIT!! The ballpark is RIGHT NEXT TO CHINATOWN! And before you say San Fran has a better Chinatown, you’ll probably only be making like $20 million a year, so you’ll be priced out of San Fran and have to live in Oakland. And as far as other asian influences in our town just wait, what with all of the nail salons and massage parlors. You know, I can’t say I have actually tried this, but I have heard that these massage parlors allow you to put a $20 bill up in addition to your massage fee to let you “see what happens” if you know what I mean. Given your signing bonus with the White Sox, you’ll have 15,000 $20 bills, so you know what that means.
6. Vision for How Ohtani Could Integrate into the Organization
Answer: Look, we have lots of good clubhouse guys, but every team is going to tell you that, so we have gone the extra “length” it takes to sign a big boy free agent like yourself and we are re-signing Mr. Clubhouse, Juan Uribe. No, he doesn’t speak Japanese, but this mutherfucker speaks the language of FUN!!!
7. Tell Ohtani Why Their Team is a Desirable Place to Play
Answer: Chicago is a very fun place to live, except for all the violence and the terribly cold winters and the political corruption and the high taxes…..but otherwise, its a very cool place to live. Besides, you don’t want to go to LA, you saw what they did to Nakatomi Tower.