Hansen vs Predator

I recently watched the movie Prey, it’s a good flick, you should check it out. Towards the end of the movie, I saw something that I thought was a call back to a previous movie. But as my knowledge of the Predator universe is not on par with Star Wars, I had to head to the internet to find out exactly what the call back meant. I found a YouTube video about and the guy doing the video jokingly said the producers missed an opportunity for Chris Hansen to make a cameo. If you don’t know the reference, Chris Hansen was previously the host of To Catch a Predator. A show where he confronted sick fucks and had them arrested.

The mention of Hansen in this regard, started the tiny hamster that runs on a wheel in my skull. How would Chris Hansen do against the actual Predator?

Right off the bat, outside the house, huge advantage for the Predator. Hiding in the bushes does nothing for Team Hansen as their heat signatures will give them away in a second. This starts off as a very successful hunt for the Predator with multiple kills. The only guy who has a chance is the guy they dress like Swamp Thing, but only if they sprung for some real sod to cover him in.

Now we’re on to the house. This is where Hansen has his best chance. For a few reasons:

First, Hansen always has the element of surprise on his side. He really sets up the situation to his advantage. Typically using cookies, sweet tea, and his assistant that pretends to be the minor. In this case, they’re nothing more than a human shield for Hansen. But it’s possible with a little knowledge of his opponent, which he always had, he would have put together some more robust defenses in the house. I ain’t talking Kevin McCallister shit, some real military grade stuff supplied by NBC.

Second, it will be difficult for the Predator to see Hansen because he’s a cold mother fucker.

In the end though, Hansen’s need to introduce himself. Before he can get to his catchphrase, the Predator will already be separating his head and spinal cord from the rest of his body.

-Chorizy-E