Our good buddies at SpoC…….Second City Sports had a bet going down between themselves and our good friend @ChiPeoplesChamp lost said bet. He had to eat a nasty ass sandwich AND he had to grow a wicked gnarly mustache. See below –

Now, I don’t know the details (You mad bro? Well maybe you can start listening to their podcast and find out for yourself) but this got the MSS brain-a-turning.  ‘stache / Chicago / Champ / Baderbrau / ‘stache / Phil Jackson / Champs / Bulls / ‘stache / Ditka / Smelly / ‘stache / Champs / Conservative / Ozzie / Champ / ‘stache?  Then it hit me –

Since 1985, every team in Chicago has won a Championship, thanks for finally coming through boys in blue.  We know about the 1985 Bears,  1991 – 1998 Bulls, 2005 White Sox, 2010, 13, 15 Blackhawks and the 2016 Cubs (bleh).  Looking at these teams, there is one common theme. It’s so damn simple, I don’t know why no one has pointed this out before.  What is it?  A GODDAMN AWESOME ‘STACHE.  Let’s start in the 80’s.

“Iron” Mike “Da Coach” Ditka

Sweet ‘Stache – 1 Chicago Championship.

Look at that goddamn ‘stache.  Remember that Mike Ditka?  Long before he was making funny comments to patrons at his resturant, he was the most lauded man in Chicago.  The 1985 Bears were (and still are in most cases) legends.  Could it be the power of that amazing ‘stache?  Duh.

Phil “Zen Master” Jackson

Stoic ‘Stache – 6 Chicago Championships.

Before this incredible ‘stache came into our Bulls organization, we couldn’t get the best goddamn player to the NBA Finals, much less into the Conference Finals.  This Man was hired as head coach in 1989 replacing a clean faced ISU Alum Doug Collins. Is it a concidence that they won a NBA Championship a mere 2 years later?  Absolutely not.  You cannot deny the power of the ‘stache.  It can’t be done, it can’t be stopped. He did it as a player too and helped those guys out in L.A. too, all the while rocking that sweet ‘stache.

Ozzie Guillen

The G.O.A.T.-eee – 1 Chicago Championship.

While not a full ‘stache like the others, it is a well manicured piece of facial foliage. Ozzie, as we all know, was the shit in 2005.  His players loved him and the stars alined to give us the GREATEST FUCKING TEAM EVAR. As we saw in later years when Ozzie had shaved it way down, he lost that edge and we never returned to the glory days.  Does it have anything to do with the missing goatee?  Again, FUCKING DUH!

Chicago White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen smiles as he talks to his players in the dugout before their baseball game against the Cleveland Indians, Tuesday, Sept. 11, 2007, in Chicago. Guillen signed a four-year extension with the White Sox on Tuesday. (AP Photo/Nam Y. Huh)

Joel “Coach Q” Quenneville

The Lip Warmer – 3 Chicago Championships.

Not since the Ditka days have we seen such a fantastic ‘stache on one of our leaders.  It took him 1 year to right the ship and win a cup.  Then he did it 2 more times just to make sure you loved him.  Take a moment to look at that fantastic ‘stache, looks like a premium push broom. 3 cups don’t lie, behold, the power of the ‘stache.

Some Guy Up North

Eh, whatevs – 1 Chicago Championship.

Even with bad management, but you can’t stop facial hair.  That coupled with a rain delay and a total choke job by the Tribe, and the boys up north finally joined the rest of Chicago by winning a trophy that a meer 11 years previous was brought back to Chicago by the White Sox.  You can’t stop, won’t stop this facial barrage.

So What’s Next?

Do you even have to ask? Our boy Ricky Rents NEEDS TO, HAS TO grow out a fabulous ‘stache. Maybe 108 Homeboy Tyler Saladino can give him some tips.  I know, it’s a shame to cover up that beautiful mug on Ricky, but it has to be done to secure the trophy.  Do what needs to be done Ricky.

He’d fit right in with us if only he added a sweet southside ‘stache. Maybe just like this –

Behold your WORLD SERIES CHAMPION MANAGER RICKY RENTS! Fits right the fuck in. So do us a solid Ricky, grow out that cookie duster and watch this team take off.  The power lies beneath your skin, unleash that power!

-MSS