The 5 – Better ways to do the Sandlot promotion

I’m not totally blaming the Sox here.  Sounds like this is a league-wide promotion and it’s probably happening the same way everywhere.  But Beefloaf and I were discussing this the other day and there are some better ways to do this.  If you don’t know what I am talking about, after the Sox game on Saturday, they played the move The Sandlot on the scoreboard.  The only concessions seemed to be popcorn and candy.  People were able to sit in their seats and watch the movie.

On the Field

Instead of doing this after a game, do this on a day when the Sox aren’t even in town and let the fans sit on the field.  You can have a limited set of tickets at a really low price and let families come in and watch the movie on the field.  This is a far better experience for the fans and there is a reason to watch it in the park instead of just watching it at home.

Before the Game

Having the movie play pre-game instead of post-game is so much better.  Get some asses in the seats early.  Sell a bunch of concessions.  At the conclusion of the movie, you can have one of the guys from the movie throw out the first pitch while Benny the Jet steals home.

Alternate Baseball Movie in the Bars

If it has to be post-game, let’s have some other baseball movies going in the bar areas.  Maybe Bull Durham or Major League.  Of course I won’t Bingo Long.  Hell, why not make this an actual thing.  Post-game Friday night movie at Chi-Sox.  Of course, they’ll close the kitchen 5 seconds after people get there and the promotion will be worthless.

Live Action

Find the 10 drunkest people in the park and give them $20 in Comiskey Cash to act out the movie in the concourse.  This will only last about 5 mins before someone goes full Diego Maradona and starts flipping people off, but it’ll be extremely entertaining.

Replace the Movie with Ozzie Guillen Video Clips

Instead of playing a movie at the end of the game, every game should end with snippets of Ozzie interviews.  When the Sox lose it should be angry Ozzie after a past loss.  After a win, you get the “winning is fung” Ozzie.  In a rain delay, you get a mix of Howard Ankin commercials and Ozzie saying things he’ll get in trouble for like stuff about Fidel Castro and Jay Marriotti.

-Chorizy-E

Bandwagon Cubs Fans, Repent!

Folks, its your old buddy BeefLoaf…………this is a special post, a playoff baseball post.  This is a post that should help you and more importantly, your Cubs fan friends, enjoy baseball this time of year.  A recent series of discussions between the 108ers helped us identify that most of OUR friends that claim their fandom to the Northside team, are very, very casual fans and few, if any, actually attended, or even so much as watched or listened to games during their extended hiatus from playoff baseball.  Now, this isn’t a sin in the biblical sense, but it is a sin of fandom if you intend to sport your Cubbie blue all over the goddamn place and choose to be obnoxious to your fellow Southsider that has been living and dying with an awful team for 8 years.  So upon further review (no worries, Mike Carey isn’t advising us), I decided to create a list of things that the bandwagon Cubs fans can do to repent and feel full enjoyment for this current playoff run.  White Sox fans, please pass this list on to your Cubs fan friends and together we can live in harmony, like ebony and ivory.
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Re-embrace Sammy Sosa………..I’m tired of it, as Cubs fans, you love Sammy Sosa, so I want you to bring him back in to your life….I think hanging an 8×11 photo of him in your den should do the trick.  Extra credit for hanging a picture of “White” Sammy Sosa
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Buy an old school shirsey………….I’d suggest EITHER something from your childhood, whatever era that might be (I’m in my late 30’s so a Manny Trillo shirsey might be fun)………..OR a guy that none of the other bandwagon fans know who the fuck they are…….like 2012 All Star Bryan LaHair
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Drink nothing but Old Style for an entire playoff game.  It used to be the main beer at the park on Sheffield and Addison, so go nostalgic and knock back some Old Style
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Rewatch Glenallen Hill’s May 11, 2000 monster fucking home run.  It’s seriously the longest fucking home run I have ever seen (I don’t care what the record books say).  And it’s so easy to find in the YouTube era, so go check it out.  If it is your first time viewing it, please watch it in private, because it’s NSFW
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Adopt some vintage Cubs styles to your personal ensemble……I’ll leave this to your imagination, but a couple of things that would really endear you to the hard core Cubs fans and your White Sox brethren as well would be getting a perm like 80’s closer Lee Smith, or possibly an I ❤️ Sandy Sandberg tattoo, you know, something really classy
Say it out loud, so all can hear…”FUCK RYAN DEMPSTER AND HIS STUPID FUCKING IMPRESSION OF WILL FARRELL DOING HARRY CARAY!!!!” We all know this sucks, and I’m still not sure why this is allowed to be on TV.  You’ll be considered part of the die-hards if you say this blows

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Make sure others know that you blame Alex Gonzalez and Dusty Baker’s over usage of Mark Prior in game 2, for the 2003 team’s NLCS collapse, and NOT Steve Bartman.
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Create a macaroni statue of your favorite current player or coach, I’d suggest Chris Bosio as it would take the most possible macaroni of any person in the dugout.   Don’t let him near your statue though, I doubt he could resist, as it appears his self control around the table is in question.
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Get into a bar fight with Kyle Farnsworth.  To be honest, most of you  have probably already done this, or if you are woman, you have been sloppily hit on by him, so this is probably the least necessary one on the list, but I’ll leave it on here for those that were incarcerated or underage during those years.

Godspeed.

 – BeefLoaf

The Non-Beer Options – By Quernzy

Quernzy is the lovely partner/wife/drinking buddy to our very own Chorizy-E.  She likes a good time, even though she married a guy who looks like her grandpa (if her grandpa was mexican and had grey hair).  She also is majorly famous having appeared in many movies and TV shows.  Check her out on IMDB. Huge sports fan, it runs in her blood, as her mom’s favorite movie of all time is Rocky (and she was a season ticket holder for the O’s and Ravens).

If you’re still watching the White Sox, you’re probably drinking way more alcohol. And sometimes a beer may not be strong enough when the other team is about to score their 10th run. So I did you a favor and tested out all the non-beer options on the concourse level of US Cellular Field.

Frozen Zone

Many of you will probably start off a game by heading to the “Frozen Zone” near the bleachers and pick up a Frozen Mango Daiquiri in an obnoxious souvenir cup that you’ll never use again. But after a few sips, you will regret that decision. They are way too sweet and you will have a headache to prove it. Not to mention, a ridiculous cup that looks like you just left a horrible bachelorette party.

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Vendors

Opt instead for a Frozen Margarita from the vendors in the aisles. Delicious! And just the right amount to finish before it melts. Some have Frozen Vodka Lemonade, equally good.  Unfortunately, there are not a lot of these vendors, so keep an eye out for them.

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Cocktails

One of my favorite non-frozen cocktails at the park is a Vodka Lemonade near Section 106 at the “K”orner Beer Stand. While you are over there, check out the Xfinity Bar near Section 108. They have a specialty cocktail menu and The ChiSox Mule is worth the long lines at the bar.  If the park is packed, be prepared to wait for half an inning (aka an entire James Shields start).

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And for something a little different – try the coffee with a shot of Baileys and get a souvenir mug at the “Winning Ugly is Sweet” Stand at Section 143.  Now that it’s summer, this might not be the best choice, but don’t worry, the stadium will be cold and empty in just a few short months.

Overall, there are plenty of non-beer options on the first level and given the Sox recent play, you’re gonna need them.

– Quernzy

Follow Quernzy here!

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Leave the Gun, Take the Cannoli.

Baseball blogs don’t have to be about baseball all the time…………sometimes they should about the nonsense chatter that occurs while you enjoy a baseball game (especially at the park)…………this inspired me to think……………. “What if I made an entire lineup out of fictional mobsters, what would that look like?” and voila……..

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SS – Batting Leadoff – Tony Montana (Scarface)

The local mercurial radio personality that is Dan McNeil once dubbed Ozzie Guillen “Ozzie Montana” in reference to his fast talking and cut throat nature…….got me thinking that none other than Tony Montana himself should lead off for this group. Tony Montana was smart, tough and talented…..willing to take risks to go to the top, that’s what we need in our defensive leader and lead off hitter. I am guessing the downside of his career will be a coke-laden disaster, but we won’t worry about that right now.

Favorite scene – Killing Frank Lopez and Mel Bernstein….bone chilling scene, but offering Ernie a job at the end always cracks me up.

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LF – Batting Second – Mr. French (The Departed)

Reliable…..that’s Mr. French. That’s what we need in our left fielder. He’s the best #2 in fictional gangster folklore, which is why he hits here. He’ll go down with the ship. Your prototypical #2 hitter.

Favorite scene – He and Frank Costello talking about how reliable he is, smash cut to him strangling his wife to death. Loyal….to a point.

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CF – Batting Third – Russell “Stringer” Bell (The Wire)

The #2 (really #1b) of the Barksdale Organization, Stringer Bell was the brains behind the Organization, bringing modern business techniques to match up with the ruthless violence that is needed to run an inner city cartel. Stringer is one of the most skilled of this entire group, which is why he plays CF and hits 3rd….he can do basically everything (although is fatally flawed like the rest of the group). He taught the young gangsters how to think like businessmen and it would’ve worked out alright if his vigilante partner, Avon Barksdale didn’t want to go to the mattresses over “his corners”.

Favorite scene – There are so many, but the exchange between he and Barksdale revealing D’Angelo’s death is probably the greatest….it’s the beginning of the end for them, but dramatic and thrilling.

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1B – Batting Fourth – Tony Soprano (Sopranos)

For my money, there isn’t a more interesting, a more complex character in television series history…..there isn’t one more alpha either. Tony Soprano drinks, eats and fucks whatever, whenever and whoever he wants. He is also a brilliant business man who constantly learns and evolves. He’s a monster and an everyman. He’s also the clean up hitter on this squad, he’s a force…..although a fat force, so 1st base it is…….if he lived a little longer, he’d probably migrate to DH just like Big Frank did.

Favorite scene – The whole exchange leading up to and through killing Ralph Cifaretto. Pure madness.

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3B – Batting Fifth – Marcellus Wallace (Pulp Fiction)

Anybody who can call Winston Wolf at a moments notice and make problems go away has to be on the list. Nobody really knows if he threw Tony RockyHorror off John Danks’ condo……err………the roof into the greenhouse, but I like to believe he did. A ruthless, but reasonable boss (as he did make peace with Butch), he has to be on this list and prominently featured. If you are around my age, Pulp Fiction is the first GREAT movie of our generation.

Favorite scene – “Telling Jules Winfield that the Wolf is coming directly.” A true gangster that has it under control never needs to raise his voice to get the job done.

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DH – Batting Sixth – Teddy KGB (Rounders)

Russian mobsters fit just fine on this list……….so do guys that run gambling rooms (the kind of place you would find someone from the 108). Teddy KGB can be more comical at times due to his ticks and mannerisms, but for this list he slots in nicely as a guy who gets the money. He’s our DH, older, wiser, but still productive.

Favorite scene – Opening scene of Rounders when he traps Mike McD with aces full. A crafty old gangster knows how to get the money with an inexperienced business counterpart.

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C – Batting Seventh – Peter Clemenza (Godfather)

Inspiration for the title of this article. Clemenza is your workman like gangster, perfect to be our catcher (plus he’s a big fat fuck). He teaches Michael Corleone many valuable lessons on his way to becoming the don, how to commit a murder in a crowded restaurant, how to cook for 10 guys, and he’s incredibly loyal……….of course it was Tessio who arranged the meeting………….when I think of Clemenza, I think of an old hand catcher like Carlton Fisk, someone who is good and reliable back there.

Favorite scene – The aforementioned scene where they kill Paulie. Not necessarily a great scene, but iconic.

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RF – Batting Eighth – Omar Little (The Wire)

Your RF ought to have a gun…..and nobody has a bigger gun that Omar Little…………think prime Bo Jackson level gun. The Wire is a series that gets in your head and stays there and of the characters in the Wire, Omar Little is often cited as people’s favorite. Robbing drug dealers is an odd vocation, that takes both high intelligence and guts and thats what we want in our RF.

Favorite scene – There are some many, but his alley meeting with Brother Mouzone is great, two cold blooded sonuvabishes, talking out a business arrangement at gunpoint.

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2B – Batting Ninth – Fly Guy (I’m Gonna Git You Sucka)

A seminal movie that most people probably haven’t seen, but this comedic take on blaxploitation blasted open the door for Keenan Ivory Wayans and a generations of comics. Fly Guy tied it all together and while hilarious, he was also of great importance. He’s your gritty keystone who gets the job done, providing the key information and then saving the day.

Favorite scene – “Pimp of the Year Speech” is about the silliest shit I can remember.

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SP’s – Frank Lucas (American Gangster)

An unlikely gangster and one of my favorites on this list. A true business man who had to do some of the darker things that gangsters do. He didn’t like to be flashy, he just liked to get the job done. He’s your #1, with a big fastball and 2 other plus pitches.

Favorite scene – Frank kills Tango. Might be the best scene on this entire list.

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Frank Costello (The Departed)

From trolling the priests about sexual assualts on altar boys to dressing down the Chinese mafia about their use of automatic weapons, Frank Costello is an original and our #2 starter….crafty, but with still enough stuff to get the job done.

Favorite scene – Breakfast with Billy Costigan and Mr. French at his apartment

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Nino Brown (New Jack City)

Basically Frank Lucas light…..but 1980’s version.

Favorite scene – When an eyeliner clad Ice T exclaims “I want to shoot you so bad my dick is hard”

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Paul Cicero (Goodfellas)

Masterminded the police force for wise guys. Who knew that in real life he was messing around with Karen. He never talked to more than 6 people, too bad one of them was Henry Hill…gg.

Favorite scene – $3,200 for a lifetime…..the third stanza of Goodfellas is great and sad all at once.

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Enoch Malachi “Nucky” Thompson (Boardwalk Empire)

Leading the bootlegging charged through an icon gambling city, a bright and ruthless enterpriser.

Favorite scene – Nucky killing Jimmy

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CL – Anton Chigurh (No Country For Old Men)

I can’t think of a more terrifying or ruthless killer in recent memory. Nobody else uses a Captive Bolt Pistol to kill their victims and nobody so mercilessly and effortlessly gets the job done. That’s why he’s our closer.

Favorite scene – The gas station scene, where he flips a coin for the owners entire life.

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Manager – Vito Corleone (Godfather)

Our skipper has to be the don of modern gangsters. There can be no other.

Favorite scene – As much as I love the original Godfather much more than Godfather II, the scene in Godfather II where he kills Don Fanucci. The basis for the empire.

-BeefLoaf