12 Days of 108mas: Why we are ALL Cousin Eddie on Xmas?

Good day friends, it’s your pal BeefLoaf back with another of our 12 days of 108mas posts.  One Xmas (or CHRISTmas but most definitely not Cmas, gfy MSS) movies that I particularly enjoy is National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation (once again, gfy MSS).  I tend to catch it anytime it is on, because Beverly D’Angelo.  There is nothing like the nutty chaos that is a family Christmas when multiple portions of the family unit are staying together and trying to co-exist whilst getting through the holiday.  The tensions of being around family for the holidays are often hilarious to the outside observer and that is without even including the goofiest character in the film, Cousin Eddie (played by the even fucking goofier in real life actor Randy Quaid).

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In the film, Cousin Eddie and his family are basically broke and coast into town in their mobile home without any cash for presents for their kids or possibly even to gas up their RV to head home….you know what, fuck it, I’m not explaining anymore of the plot, if you haven’t seen this movie yet, I suggest you run home right now, begin #108ing, wait till you’re Christmas drunk and flip on this flick (it’s probably showing on some basic cable channel every hour between now and the moment on the calendar that Mary’s water breaks).

Anywho, as I was watching this movie for the umpteenth time, I started realizing, as goofy and screwy a character as Cousin Eddie is in this film.  WE ARE ALL COUSIN EDDIE AROUND CHRISTMAS!  What!?!?! You say….yes, we are all him around Christmas, he is the character that all in one combines all of our discomforts and insecurities into one particularly grotesque skin.  Allow me to explain.

Overdressing for the occasion

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We’ve all been there.  We are going to a holiday party and we don’t know if we need to go funky Xmas sweater or if we should dress more casual or wear something nice.  In Eddie’s case, to top it all off, his cousin-in-law is like the big success of the family, which is why everyone is going to be at his house.  Eddie doesn’t have a pot to piss in and doesn’t have much fancy clothes to wear.  We’ve all been there, whether it be we are short on cash for new threads for the big holiday party or we were working too much to find time to grab new threads or maybe we had a little too much Thanksgiving and that one nice outfit we had doesn’t fit as well as we’d like it to (Yea motherfucker that last one is possibly my own personal example).  Regardless, we gotta bite the bullet and do something and sometimes it looks a little off, but we were trying.  WE ARE ALL COUSIN EDDIE.

Going back for 2nd’s on a questionable dish at the meal

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A sit down meal around the holidays is possibly the most uncomfortable ordeal you will encounter in your life (possibly giving a best man / maid of honor speech for a wedding you are kinda meh on is a little tougher, but I digress).  You are often sitting around people you don’t talk to on the regular and required to make small talk.  You have to be careful not to drop any food on your clothes, because you won’t be able to slurp those tasty mashed potatoes off your sleeve like you would normally do at home…NOOOOOO!!! you’ll be required use a napkin to clean up.  There is also passing food etiquette that I can never follow, I am always sending the bread or a side dish in the wrong direction, fucking things up.  You have done this as well I presume.  Imagine being Cousin Eddie in all this, and then, the most uncomfortable of all situations.  NOBODY IS EATING WHATEVER THE FUCK THAT THING IS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE TABLE.  Yep, you aren’t quite sure what it is (in Eddie’s case it was jello with cat food in it) but you know that it has barely been touched and you did have a little bit of it and didn’t gag too bad, so you have to do it, you have to go in for seconds and exclaim to the table “That is goooo-oooood!!”.  Fucking holidays!! WE ARE ALL COUSIN EDDIE.

Soft shoeing the poor behavior of you and yours

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In the movie, Eddie’s dog “Snots” is not the best house guest, whether it be drinking the tree water or digging through the garbage for bones or destroying the house chasing a squirrel (actually that’s worse than it sounds).  We’ve all do something similar, maybe you brought that drunk friend to the holiday party that keeps hitting on the hosts girlfriend.  What about that time you brought your kid over to a family holiday dinner, she was only 6 and said “OH MY FUCKING GOD!”.  Or remember when your significant other brought like 5 extra people to a private gathering at someone’s house?  Yeaaaaaa….each time, you may or may not have given a sincere apology to the host because you were too fucking embarrassed or too stressed or whatever.  WE ARE ALL COUSIN EDDIE.

Wanting to help out with something and overdoing it badly

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This is a feeling we tend to have anytime someone has a lot going on at a gathering and we get invited.  Eddie was feeling particularly helpless when he finally got an opportunity to help out and might have overdone it a bit (kidnapping his cousin Clark’s boss, Frank Shirley) and causing a zany disaster.  We’ve all tried to help put out the wine glasses while smashing a few in the process or we’ve carried the rolls into the other room and dropped a few, putting them back in the basket before anyone noticed.  We gladly volunteered to watch some element of a meal, only to get to talking and let that fucking thing burn up like Freddy Krueger’s skin.  WE ARE ALL COUSIN EDDIE.

-BeefLoaf 

12 Days of 108mas: The 5 – Sports Figures as Mall Santas

Good day friends, as you know, we are in the midst of our 12 days of Xmas blog posts here at the @fromthe108 blog, today I bring you a dilly dally and a jilly jam so sine your pitty on the runny kine and let’s do this!!!  I know Malls are barely a thing anymore and Mall Santas even less so, but let me run this back to when Mall Santas were plentiful, I bring you, the 5.

5 – Ben Rape

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Look, we needed to add the creepy, horny, smelly mall Santa that permeates movie folklore.  Most recently this sort of Santa was played by Artie Lange in Elf

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(boy has Artie aged gracefully) and now will be played by an even more handsome, even bigger creep in Big Ben.  He’s the type of mall Santa that has you sit on his lap to see what “pops up!”.  He’s already been involved in several sexual assaults, ALLEGEDLY!!!  Remember when the NFL suspended him, but also sort of helped him cover up his digressions?  He’s perfect for this role.

4 – Papa Smurf

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Okay, I admit, there is a bit of a size issue with listing Papa Smurf here, but I thought it was time to give him his do anyway.  I figure there are probably a work around or two that we can figure out, we’ll just get an architect (not Art VanDelay) and physics expert and we should be able to handle getting 50 lbs kids on the 6 inch tall Papa.  I know Papa Smurf isn’t exactly in professional sports, but if you watch the badass Smurfs tangle with Gargamel and Azrael, you’ll know they are true sportsmen (and women) and deserve to be on this list.

3 – Daniel Palka 

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We need one fun lovin’ jovial Santa that the moms will think is a hunk and that is Daniel Palka.  I’m not even sure he’ll remember to ask the kids what they want for Christmas, but I know he’ll be cracking jokes and tossing candy canes around to kids and adults alike.  Given the MLB’s pay structure for players in their pre-arbitration phase, this Mall Santa gig will be the best he’s paid all season.

2 – Diego Maradona

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I just couldn’t have a list here without the Santa that has the “magic dust”, Diego Maradona.  I understand he’s only slightly bigger than Papa Smurf who is #4 on this list, but I figured since we are putting in time for a work around for him, we could do the same for Maradona.  Now, you can’t have such a celebrated World Wide star as mall Santa without a few risks.  1. He’ll likely curse, A LOT, but luckily the curses will mostly be in spanish, so it will only effect about 30% of the participants  2. As noted he likes to imbibe a bit (#108ing……………and stuff like that) so it’s possible he might pass out and/or need to be rushed to the hospital.  Sorry fam, them the grits.  Otherwise, we are sure he’ll do a great job!

1 – Lovie Smith

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Former Bears head coach and still the last head coach to take them to a Super Bowl is now the coach of the University of Illinois football team, which is probably why you didn’t know what he has been up to, but what he has been up to is growing the most fantastic beard that I have seen in the last decade.  I think Lovie is tryna look like Frederick Douglas, but in the process is giving us the best fucking real life Santa beard I have seen in my lifetime.  He’s an ace in the hole for this position.  Also, he’d be great with kids and parents.  For one, he’s always been a great players coach so he’d get the kids to be honest with him and really open up about what they want from old St. Nick, but also, he’d probably help them set realistic expectations, which is key for mom and dad.  Whatta guy.  Definitely numero uno on this list!

-BeefLoaf

12 Days of 108mas: The Night the Reindeer Died

If you’re not familiar with The Night the Reindeer Died, then you have probably never seen Scrooged.  If you haven’t, go watch it immediately.

Because the incarnation of Scrooge in this telling of the story is a TV exec, there are a number of shows they are programming for Christmas.  Some real solid stuff too, like a Robert Goulet Christmas special.  But the movie opens with a movie starring Lee Majors called The Night the Reindeer Died, check it out:

Now, as you know, Frank Cross (Bill Murray) is one of the youngest executives in television history.  The movie implies that it’s because he’s such a cutthroat asshole that he’s backstabbed his way to the top.  However, it appears he was years ahead of his time because all of his shows look like some shit that would be Netflix Originals today.

So I propose, someone actually make this movie.  Of course, Lee Majors is too old to be the action character now as he’s about 80.  But maybe we slot him in as Santa Claus.  Casting for the action lead seems like something that you want a Bruce Willis or Liam Neeson or Jason Statham.  But hey, you can tell this shit was done a smaller budget, so I propose someone just as awesome as those guys but maybe a tier or two down in pay: Danny Trejo.  He makes 600 movies a year, so hopefully he can slot this in.

You’re probably thinking, Danny Trejo in place of Lee Majors, how does that make sense?  Short answer is that it does not, but it opens us up to a much more violent movie.  First off, he handles a gatling gun just as well as Lee Majors, but also is fantastic in an up close fight.  Imagine Danny Trejo as Machete and chopping up all the maniacs that try to ambush Santa Claus.  You can get Tom Savini to do some special effects and have a bad guy’s head get chopped off and fall into a Christmas box and have an elf slam the top down on it.

Also, Cheech Marin is obviously in the cast.

-Chorizy-E

12 Days of 108mas: The 5 – Horny Christmas Jams

When I heard that people were all up in arms over “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” sounding a bit forward, I could only think of tons of other songs that are just oozing with way worse stuff than a guy trying to get some play.  So I present 5 xmas songs that seem much worse. 

5. Backdoor Santa – Clarence Carter

So, yeah.  I know, I thought anal too. But nope, it’s just a Santa that makes “all the little girls happy, While the boys are out to play”. Yo Santa, WTF?  Back in the day there was this sign that folks in my little town used to have all over the place – “Backdoor Guests Are Best” which we used to giggle about, but now you got a Backdoor Santa that keeps “some change in my pocket, in case the children are home. I give ’em a few pennies so that we can be alone”.  Guys, santa is boning your lady when you are out, even if the kids are home.  Holy shit.  

You might be thinking, “but I never hear this song MSS”.  You got a Goggle Home?  Ask it to play it, it comes right up.  Just like Backdoor Santa, fucking your girl.  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s0NoalRsk5w

 

4. Mistress For Christmas – AC/DC

From the band that brought you “Big Balls” we got this diddy.  Not typically played during the holidays north of the Mason Dixon line, but listen to this gem. 

“Listen, I like female form in minimum dress
Money to spend with a capital S
Get a date with the woman in red
Want to be in heaven with three in a bed”

Yo, I got nothing against paying for sex, especially if it’s a 3 way and you look like Angus Young without the talent. You gotta do what you gotta do.  I am sure this song see regular rotation around the holidays on any “classic rock” radio station.  Maybe even the strip club circuit.   Good for the guys in AC/DC, they were drunk and said “The Americans are always asking for a Christmas song, so let’s do one all sexy like”.  And they came through.  With flying colors, especially with lines like – 

“I can hear you coming down my smoke stack
I want to ride on your reindeer honey and ring the bells”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7doBMyEH_Ug

 

3. Santa Baby – Eartha Kitt

This song just oozes sex.  Basically telling Santa she stopped whoring for a year so she deserves all this stuff.  A Sable. A ’54 Light Blue Convertible. A Yacht. Deed to a Platinum Mine. Duplex and (blank) Checks. Decorations from Tiffanys’. But before you get the wrong idea, she also wants a ring, so you can get her all these things and then marry her so she doesn’t look like a girl just whoring out there.  She’s a married lady, to Santa. She also says that she’ll be just as good next year if he just brings here all this stuff.  

So hell, maybe they have an agreement and all, but it sounds like Santa is getting played like a piano (surprised she didn’t ask for one of those too) for very little or no action.  Your call Santa, but I think you can do better.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?list=RDMk_GmhD053E&v=Mk_GmhD053E

 

2. Wit It This Christmas – Ariana Grande

Most of these songs are old school tunes, but here go Ariana Grande Davidson making a whole slow jam sex song about Christmas.  Yo, it’s not an awful song if you are into Ariana Grande Davidson, sounds like every other fucking song she has done. Fellas, if a girl puts this on for you while you are visiting for the holidays, you best be ready to put it down.  

She is basically throwing herself at the guy who happens to be over, which is really refreshing in comparison to the last song.  She even says that they don’t need presents, mistletoe, fireplace she just wants to keep ya warm.  You can be her drummer boy and she’s the only drum you gonna play.  Holla! She wants to know if you are down with “these milk and cookies” which I know many of yous out there answer with a resounding “Hells Yes”. 

Congrats to Ariana for knowing what she wants and isn’t afraid to broadcast it out there for all to see.  You are a special girl, just kinda fucked up what you did to that Pete Davidson guy.  Broke his heart and made him homeless in like an hour span.  You’re ruthless baby, but we wouldn’t change that for the world. 

https://youtu.be/El79WQpXyPQ

 

1. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus

It’s a fucking classic, but Jesus (tis the reason for the season), why we gotta whore out Mommy like that? Ya think mommy is a single mommy, but nope, the kid is gonna tell dad.  I don’t think daddy would laugh about it, especially not in the 50’s. And think how many women Santa has on his list for the night?  Lotta cookies and kissing.  Guy gonna get fat and sick AF.  

I just don’t like seeing women be portrayed as whores like this.  Especially with a fly-by-night fat guy (which we in the 108 kinda respect), but ya know.  I’ve never met the real Santa, maybe he’s suave as fuck, but you’d think it’d get around that he’s whoring at an all time high level on multiple continents.   

I know girls like the bad guys, but damn ladies, if you are married and the guy is presumably out working his ass off to provide for the family the least you can do is NOT make out with a fat bearded guy who hangs out with elves and is MARRIED himself! Have some fucking respect.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ilLT-ge6Luo

Got one that I missed?  Tweet that shit at me. 

-MSS

12 Days of 108mas: The 5 – Who I’d catch under the Mistletoe

Good day friends, it’s your pal BeefLoaf as we continue the @fromthe108 12 days of Xmas bloggings, I bring you a holiday tradition that is very weird and doesn’t quite fit with the holiday, but because it is sexual in nature, it of course has managed to survive and that is kissing someone under the Mistletoe.  Now, I, as a happily married BeefLoaf of 16 years (goddamn, that’s 40% of my life) have no real interest in this sort of thing, I figured I was the perfect guy to bring you a top 5 list.  I’ll choose dead, fictional and unorthodox if I wish……anywho, here goes, the 5.

5 – Anna Nicole Smith

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I’d be interested in up-and-coming model Anna, established bombshell Anna, even fat washed out Anna, but please don’t give me end of the road, drugged out Anna, that wasn’t too g00t.

4 – Sharon Stone

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There are a handful of women each era that leave an indelible mark on a young man’s life and Sharon Stone be one of those fine women.  Basic Instinct was just a whole new level for excitement and excitement, if you know what I mean.  Wayne Knight’s reaction is pretty much the muted reaction of the entire male populous.  Believe that!

3 – Jessica Rabbit

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Pppppplease!

2 – Dottie Hinson

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Other than Jimmy Dugan nobody was hoping that Bob Hinson would perished in the war more than me.  What an ass kicker Dottie Hinson was and a babe on top of it.  I’d have to think if I caught her under the mistletoe, she’d kiss me and then possibly punch me right in the chops just for liking it too much.

1 – Tiffani Thiessen

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Those are my 5 Mistletoe selections, hit me up on twitter with your choices….

-BeefLoaf

12 Days of 108mas: Worst Dad in Christmas Movies

If there is one thing Christmas movies are jammed pack with, it’s horrible dads.  For example, Peter McCallister leaves his 8 year old son at home while he goes off on a trip.  And then, when he realizes the shit, he doesn’t just go back by himself and take care of it.  But he’s not the worst.  The worst is Rand Peltzer from Gremlins.

The Intro

I just rewatched the movie to make sure I wasn’t giving him a bad rap.  I did not remember the very beginning of the movie.  The movie starts with Rand walking our of a dark alley with a young Asian boy.  They don’t explain how he met this kid or what he was doing in an alley with him.  That shit is simply skipped over, and then he follows the kid to some underground store that his grandfather runs.

The Purchase

Rand goes into the store to try and sell one of his shitty inventions, which I’ll get to soon, but is quickly distracted.  I think this is where I should mention that Judge Reinhold is in this movie, and it’s probable that he beats it to Phoebe Cates in this movie too, but that’s not shown.  What he does say, however, is that Billy Peltzer is basically supporting the family.  So this jackass makes it seem like he’s buying this Mogwai for his son, but he’s actually just throwing around $200 of his son’s cash like it’s fucking nothing.  Not to mention, he sees a creature that he’s never seen before and determines this to be an incredible present.  Even more confusing is that they show him talk to the kid for 5 seconds outside the shop at night.  He doesn’t get home til sometime later the next day and knows way more about the Mogwai and has named it.  What the hell are him and that kid up to?

The Inventions

Just a quick sidebar here.  His inventions are all awful.  Not only that, they’re just awful versions of existing inventions, like juicers and coffee makers.  Homer Simpson’s make-up shotgun is a better invention than his goddamn bathroom buddy or egg cracker or card dealer.  This guy is just the worst.

The Rest of the Movie

So he shows up with this weird ass creature, with weird ass rules and then he just hands the shit off and peaces out.  It’s incredibly irresponsible.  Like levels beyond my imagination.  And then you only hear from him a few times.  But at one point, he’s on his way home and might actually make it in time to do something.  Instead, he convinces a gas station worker to buy his bullshit ashtray.  I’m sure that fucking thing paid for his whole expensive ass trip.  So now, he shows up just in time to do absolutely nothing after his son saves the day.

The End

The old guy resurfaces and Billy finds out that his dad basically stole the Mogwai.  Just a fantastic cherry on top of this loser sundae.  Of course, he gives the guy an ashtray for his troubles, which is apparently his highest selling product: 1 sale.

-Chorizy-E