MySoxSummer Breaks Down Christmas Beers

Yo.  As we continue the Section 108 12 Days of Xmas, let’s review some Christmas beers!  Right?  Sounds like a great fucking time.  You’d think, but honestly, most Christmas beers suck.  For reals.  But there are a few exceptions.

1- Bent River – Jingle Java – Holiday Stout.  

I love this beer.  Might be my favorite holiday stout of all time.  Bent River is a small brewery in the Quad Cities that makes some excellent beers.  Their Uncommon Stout is a wonderful beer too, and this is basically the same with coffee. vanilla, pecan. cinnamon, caramel and rum added.  I once (pre-kid) bought a case and a half of this beer just to drink through the holidays.  And I guarded those like my life depended on it, went all Elaine on people ” Are you Jingle Java worthy?”  Most were not.  I highly recommend picking up a 6 of this if you can find it.

 

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2- Baderbrau – Christmas Bliss – Baltic Porter.  

When I found out that our buds at Baderbrau were making a Christmas beer I wasn’t all that hyped.  Mostly because I don’t care much for Christmas beers, as mentioned above, so when I finally had a can of Christmas Bliss I almost needed to change my pants.  This beer is excellent and I have bought several 6’ers (4 or 5 to be exact) to get me though this holiday season.  Easily my 2nd favorite dark beer they have done, Dry Schwarz is my #1 jam.  So if you live in the city, get your ass to the brewery or Mariano’s and pick up a 6’er of this for your holiday party.  Or for Christmas morn when you are trying to deal with all the excitement.

 

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3- 3 Floyds – Alpha Klaus – Christmas Porter.  

Until I had a Bliss, this was my go to Christmas porter.  It’s hoppy as fuck, as most 3F brews are, but has some sweet notes on the finish.  Just a great brew all around.  I gave out bombers of this brew to all my groomsmen cause that is how I roll.  Great beer, I highly suggest picking this one up too.

 

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A seasonal beer that I could include, but it isn’t a true Christmas beer, is Founders Breakfast Stout.  That beer, in 2010 really launched me into the whole craft beer scene.  If you haven’t picked up a 4pk of this delish oatmeal/coffee stout, you should.  It’s story time!

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So in 2010 I had just moved back to Illinois from lovely California.  I spent a summer listening to the White Sox staying on the river crushing High Life like there was no tomorrow.  Young MSS was a huge Bud Light fan, HUGE.  But Young MSS also loved Guinness.  Young MSS didn’t make the correlation that a stout is a style of beer.  He wasn’t the smartest, as California has some incredible beers that he should have been drinking during his 7 years out there.  But alas he did not.

So one night, one of my favorite bands of all time the Smoking Popes, was playing a Quad City institute, RIBCO and upon my arrival, I asked the bartender for a coffee stout.  He said they didn’t have one, but this Breakfast Stout was pretty good.  Once it hit my lips, I was all like Frank The Tank going nuts! I had one, then went back for another and noticed halfway through my 2nd one that he ABV was a bit higher than most beers so I capped myself of this liquid gold at 32oz.

After that, my father and I split a case of Breakfast Stout for the winter, and I tried about every coffee stout I could get my hands on.  It really started me down my path of liking the good beers.

 

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Well, that is it folks, I haven’t had a notable Christmas beer that I feel deserves a review or a shout from me, good or bad.  Have a favorite that you think I should try?  Send me a link, or better yet, buy me a fucking beer!

Merry New Year!

-MySoxSummer

Is Die Hard a Christmas Movie?

Whenever people talk about their favorite Christmas movies, without fail, someone will say Die Hard.  And that will be followed by someone else saying it’s not a Christmas movie.  So, as we continue the Section 108 12 days of Xmas, let’s break it down and see what we find.

What is the main story?

The story revolves around two characters.  John and Holly are a married but separated couple.  They live across the country from one another and they’re going to see each other for the first time in what seems to be at least months.  They meet up at a Christmas party and through a series of unfortunate events and adventures, they realize they love one another more than they thought.  Their story ends with them cuddled under a blanket holding back tears as they embrace.  That’s a pretty Hallmark style Christmas story if you ask me.  Yeah sure, I didn’t mention all the murder and terrorists and shit, but I also didn’t mention the Christmas miracle that Theo and Hans experience.

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Is Christmas important to the plot?

There really isn’t another time of year when a company would have a party at their office where spouses are invited and there is nobody else in the building.  And that is pretty key to everything in the plot.  If it’s just a company party in the summer, John is most likely not there being the fly in the ointment.  The building would probably have other people in it which would make locking down the building way more difficult.  So yes, the Christmas party sets the stage for the whole damn movie.

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What else is Christmasy about the movie?

When the elevator opens to Tony dead in a Santa hat and a note written on his shirt, it leads Hans to read “Ho Ho Ho” in his brilliant accent.  This is a great Christmas moment.

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John uses Season’s Greetings tape to hide his gun.  If that’s brown packing tape, it’s nowhere near as cool.

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There is Christmas music in the movie.  Including one of my favorites “Christmas in Hollis”.

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Conclusion

Die Hard is a Christmas movie.  Just because it’s so damn good you can watch it any time during the year should not disqualify it from being a Christmas movie.

Plus, No Bicycle……

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Good day friends, it’s your buddy BeefLoaf, continuing the 108’s 12 days of Christmas…..I really love the movie “My Blue Heaven”, starring Steve Martin and Rick Moranis.  I think in a prior 108 blog post or two we called this a “baseball movie” as it has a lot of baseball related story lines built around a high profile witness in the witness protection program.  Much like calling the 108 blog a “baseball” blog, this is a reasonable assessment, if not being entirely 100% dead on accurate.  Anyway, in the movie, in the final stanza, the main character, Vincent Antonelli aka Todd Wilkinson (played by the very talent Steve Martin) is running away from his former organized crime associates who are trying to run him down to keep him from testifying when he embarks on an anecdote about disappointment, truthfully, it is about a disappointing Christmas, which is where I’d like to start……
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I was 7, no 8 and this was Christmas Day 1986……Yes, the Bears were king, but little did we know that they would be bowing out of the playoffs early that year to the Redskins at home…..anywho, the presents had been opened that fine day already and Chorizy-E and I were no doubting enjoying playing with our He-Man characters or WWF wrestling figures or whatever other awesome stuff we got for Christmas………..
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SIDE NOTE – As I’ve proclaimed before and as you can tell here, I don’t have fond present memories, although I do remember one year we got Castle Grayskull which was integral to playing with He-Man and that was pretty fucking boss!  Regardless, MadMex and MamaMex came through on the usual with A++ gifts, its just that you tend to remember the times more than the actual gifts, which is why I tend to like Thanksgiving > Xmas, but YMMV….back to the story.
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…….this was the time we got ready for the Xmas meal (let us say around 11am), and in fact this year we were going to my Grandparents’ house.  Now this might sound like a deal, but we lived in a coach (NOT DA COACH) house in back of my Grandfather’s 3 flat, so it was about 100 steps (including flights of stairs) up to their place.  Now, as much fun as Grandma and Grandpa’s house is when you are 8 years old (believe me, it was A LOT of fucking fun, Grandma loved candy and ice cream more than Buddy the Elf and they also used to get those big bottles of pop delivered to them weekly, which had a bunch of different flavors, cola, cream soda, orange, etc, fucking sick when you are a kid…….I still remember going to see my grandma daily on summer mornings when school was out, she’d make us Farina with tons of sugar, buttered toast and coffee with cream and also with enough sugar to make the spoon stand up.  That was good times!!  We’d watch the Price is Right, back when good ole Bob Barker was getting down with the Barker’s Beauties, long before he was being awesome in terrible Adam Sandler films, but I digress….)…….but as much fun as Grandma and Grandpa’s house was for all that, it was TERRIBLE for hosting a holiday meal.  This was your basic 4 room apartment with 1 bath, the two main rooms, which were the living room and kitchen and both were too small to functionally hold the 7 people total in attendance (and remember, I’m 8 and Chorizy is 6….yes, it was that bad).  Also, I just enjoyed my mom’s cooking A LOT more for these types of events.  I liked my Grandma better for making me a Black Cow (ghetto Black Cow, right Sal the Balls Out Guy?  GFY!) or some shit like that, but the actual cooking of a big meal, Mom >>> Grandma.
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Now as I remember this, the food was probably okay, as I don’t remember anything disagreeable besides the seating arrangement, since that was done, it was time to pick up PART TWO of the get together, which was going to be the part that I was really looking forward to.  You see, the folks here at the 108 are HUGE (both in fandom and waistband) White Sox fans, but you have to remember that at this time, the Bears were actually KING, coming off of a Super Bowl victory earlier in that calendar year, the vaunted “Monsters of the Midway” had all the characters and superstar players that a young sports fan could desire……..but this young sports fan was really interested in a different team.
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The Chicago Bulls…..now, I know what you are saying, oh yea, the Jordan Bulls, that’s a tough team to put your fandom behind BeefLoaf.  Look, this wasn’t the Championship Bulls that you are thinking about, yea, they had Michael Jordan, but the team had done basically nothing since his arrival other than get the #8 playoff seed in the East and get crushed by the mid-80’s Celtics (which in hindsight, as much as I hated those Celtics, were a fucking joy to watch play ball).  There was only one other member of those championship teams even on the roster and that was John Paxson.  This team was shedding itself of the Orlando Woolridges and Quintin Daileys of the world.  It was still littered with terrible players though, Granville Waiters (or as the Great Terry Boers would call him, Granville Waivers), Gene Banks, Steve Colter, Brad Sellers and Dave Corzine, whom we’ll get to later.  Also, this was a BIG DEAL for the Bulls to be playing on Xmas day.  Now in more recent years it became common place, but they usually let good teams play on Xmas day.  Not this time, they let the Bulls go to Madison Square Garden and face off with the Patrick Ewing led Knicks.
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The game plodded along, as 80’s NBA sometimes did when you had two bad teams (which our Bulls and the New York Knicks both were).  Just looking at this box score you could tell how 80’s this was, the two teams combined for 3, yes, 3, 3pt field goal ATTEMPTS.  Jordan poured in 30 pts, but it took like a million shots, he was probably out drinking and gambling all night in Atlantic City before it was popular.  Anyway, the game is coming down the line, when our unlikely hero to be Dave Corzine, scores a put back, a 3 pt play (the old school 3 pt play).  Dave Corzine was the first in a long line of big white oafs to play for these Bulls.  He would never get the sheckels of the later ones who would play for the title teams, like Bill Wennington, Luc Longley and everyone’s favorite Ed Nealy.  Nope Corzine was wrong time wrong place to get any of those accolades. According to legend (as I was too young to experience this myself), Corzine was a star at DePaul and the Demons were 27-3 his senior year.  Regardless, it was Xmas Day and he was going to be the hero!!  I had jumped up and down to his put back and was pretty damn excited!!  The rest of the room, probably packed with malaise and cigarette smoke, likely didn’t give a shit.  I thought, all the Bulls need to do is fade 6 seconds and they’d win this baby.  Well it was all for naught, that mutherfucker Patrick Ewing (aka Patrick Chewing) would use his big sweaty, greazy hands to pluck a ripe rebound and score his own putback as time expired to beat the Bull.
 A disappointing Christmas on many levels……..

– BeefLoaf

BeefLoaf’s Xmas List for @NotRickHahn

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Good day friends, why don’t you come on in…..to kick off the Section 108 12 days of Xmas it is time for me to present my Xmas list…….NO! Not that one…..Santa has his fucking letter already and he already responded that he wanted a glass of some of the delicious grape juice I have chilling in the cellar.  Nope, this is my annual list for @NotRickHahn, effectively my White Sox list.  Long, long before we had the 108 blog, but during the time in which most of the 108ers were going to games together, I took to Facebook (it’s a social media site, maybe you’ve heard of it) and threw an overt wish out there to Hahn, the White Sox and all the rest of the world to get rid of Gordon Beckham.  That wish was granted, although they did bring him back.  So now it has become an annual tradition, whether privately or publicly (this year obviously publicly or the dozens of you that read this wouldn’t be reading this)……anyway, got a song about it, here it go.
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DFA Matt Davidson – Look, this kid has great hair, there is absolutely no fucking doubt about that.  Getting rid of him will decline the handsome quotient….aka the Q factor on this squad, but truth be told, we don’t need him.  I just don’t see what your best outcome really is here.  He really can’t play 3b, he’s basically a 1b and you can go out in the open market and buy Lucas Duda, who is basically what you’d hope Davidson would become as a hitter, for the money you find between the cushions of your couch.  It just doesn’t make sense.  Give Yolmer the 3b job for this year, or trade for someone, or sign someone, but please to be telling Matt Davidson to move it along.  To me, this looks like Dayan Viciedo, the White Sox will cut him and before you know it, he’s wiped off the face of the major leagues.
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Install Netting – This is long, long over due and won’t effect sight lines in any measurable way, but you need to get that fucking netting installed asap!!!  I know there are groups of fans against this, but too bad, let’s protect those smaller fans that don’t have time to react to a line drive hit right at them (and the drunk ones that might not have perfect motor skills by the 3rd inning).  If god forbid one of our youngsters gets seriously injured by a line drive this year, because you and fat ass sat on your hands regarding this, I’m coming up there to whip your ass, like Da Coach offered to do to Neal from Northlake.
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Competitive Advantage – It is all fine and well that you traded the big honkin’ burnin’ good parts of the last White Sox team for younger talented pieces, but this isn’t a competitive advantage.  EVERYONE COULD DO THIS.  What I want, and maybe you have discovered it already and we (the fans) won’t figure it out for a few years, but I want a REAL COMPETITIVE ADVANTAGE.  Ten years from now, I want these mutherfuckers writing books about how clever you and the rest of the front office were in finding this inefficiency, this new way of looking at things, this breakthrough that lead the White Sox to 5 straight playoff appearances and 2 World Series titles.  As us fans go through the hardest part of the rebuild, I want to have some faith that you’ll deliver this to me, if not this Xmas, some Xmas in the future.

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Join the 108ers for a Sunday Soak – Look, I’m told you know when we are sleeping and you know when we’re awake and you know when we’ve been bad or good or talking shit about the White Sox, so you gotta know about the Sunday Soak, for goodness sake.  I’m sure one of your minions has told you, hey, there’s these super handsome guys who sit in Section 108 of the ballpark that do a blog where they occasionally talk about the White Sox, but usually talk about awesome stuff like food and booze and gambling and stuff.  We need you in the Sunday Soak this season!!!  There are a few conditions…..1) We take twitter questions, no matter what the content.  2) Bonita Steakie WILL make fun of you when we ask her 5 questions during the middle of the show……3) You WILL crush Baderbrau beers with us!!!  Doesn’t that sound like a lot of fun and although you’ll be swimming around in MySoxSummer’s plush back hair, there are rarely any floaters in the tub.
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Come on, I was good all year, including going out to watch that heaping pile you threw out there over 60 times in 2017.
– BeefLoaf

The White Sox signed Welington Castillo

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Hey! Hey!! The White Sox made a move…….yep, all that talk about the Hot Stove not kicking off until Stanton’s and Ohtani’s situations were resolved was total bullshit as there was a non-DiPoto trade and our White Sox signed Welington Castillo.  The deal is 2 years and $15M with a team option for 2020 that is worth $8M (500K buyout, which is included in the original $15M).
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The 108ers love this move, well, I mean, we love any move that improves the product of the team we’ll be watching 162 times in 2018, but its more than that………
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Depth – We’ve touched on this before in the #SundaySoak and in general conversations in the 108, but, Kevan Smith and Omar Narvaez, as well as they played last year, are really #2 catchers at best and truthfully…..on a really good team, they are #3 catchers that you have sitting at AAA awaiting an injury (or worse).  Good solid guys that can do a few things in the majors, but you don’t want to have to count on them for 100 starts a year.  Playoff teams NEED those guys in their system and now with Welington Castillo taking over the #1 catching duties, we’ll have that adequate depth.  In fact, the best case scenario is by 2020 when the Sox are the class of the AL Central, Collins is starting (or Seby Zavala) with Castillo as the #2 catcher and Narvaez chilling at AAA….JUST…..IN……..CASE.  Great franchises have that depth.  I like that it is starting to develop for our White Sox.
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DON’T WORRY (BE HAPPY) – The people out there stumping for Smith and Narvaez, don’t worry, they still project to play quite a bit.  Castillo’s main knock is that he won’t start 120 times, so we’ll need these other guys as well.  The mix of the three should be quite productive, especially if they utilize Narvaez LH bat against tough RHP.
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White Sox fans – I saw a fair amount of “we didn’t need to do this, Smith and Narvaez had decent years”………while I don’t disagree that they had good years (for them), looking to upgrade the roster, particularly as the White Sox ramp up to being a contender is a must.  Also, as White Sox fans, we should look at it positively from both perspectives.  YES, those guys did look pretty good and YES we have also brought in another guy along with these guys we already have to make the position an overall strength.
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Pipeline – Signing Castillo (potentially through 2020) and having control over Smith and Narvaez over that same time period allows for generous heaps of development time (Generous Heaps of Development Time sounds like an old REM song) for Collins and Zavala.  That’s what the end of the rebuild should look like, the White Sox should be bursting at the seems with talent at various positions…..this was the first step towards that at Catcher.
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Now Rick Hahn just needs to trade for Evan Longoria

– BeefLoaf

2018 White Sox Promotions: Initial List Bitch Session

Hola and Happy Holidays Fuckers! What’s great about saying Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas is that you piss off a certain faction of people that really like to complain about people getting offended so easily.  It’s great.  To me it’s about being lazy and encompassing all of the December holidays into one. And I will tell ya Merry Christmas on Christmas if you happen to text or see me.  But don’t send me a message on Twitter cause I never check that shit.

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So if all the sexual assault news hasn’t really put you on the edge this holiday season (and a soon to be father of 2 girls, lord help the guy who dares do any of this bullshit to either of my daughters) the White Sox have released the initial promo list.  One word describes this – HO-FUCKING-HUM.

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Listen, last year was a banner year for promotions, I give props when props are due.  You can read my list here, but you all should know that I love me some giveaways. Now, I know that the good stuff will be announced closer to when the individual tickets go on sale, but this list is just lacking all the components that made last year so successful (at least in terms of cool shit).  Let’s dissect the good ones (Note: No pictures yet, so good is a relative term as of now).

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1 – $1 Hot Dog Wednesdays, Free T-Shirt Thursdays

Fuck yes.  A whole season of $1 dogs?  If those t-shirts didn’t fit me before, they sure as hell won’t now.  Two solid giveaways that the Sox did last year that really are awesome.  Last year they moved away from the player shirts, but look for a couple this year with the new guys.  Glad to see these two back.

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2 – White Sox Quarter-Zip Pullover

This is interesting enough, so I deem it good.  Much like the hooded t-shirt, this should be cool. I hope.  I am 100% sure it won’t fit 90% of the 108, but that is ok.  Who knows, maybe they’ll make some in our size.

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Well that’s it, the rest sucks.  Really.  It sucks.  Let’s look at the first losers.

1 – White Sox Winter Hat

Been there done that like 2 years in a row.  This could be salvaged if it is a sweet hat, like a cool one.  But it will be Cousin Eddie style, cheaper quality than last years, which was lesser quality than the first year.  I don’t hold out much hope for this fitting my huge ass dome either.

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2 – Los White Sox Soccer Jersey

Last year it was cool cause it was unique. This year it lacks imagination.  It will be white or grey, instead of black, but same old thing as last year.  Why not make a hockey jersey?  Or a football jersey?  Or give us a fucking bat like they did back in the olden days.  And bat day should be during the Cubs series when the 108ers are NOT in attendance.  To kinda quote an old Chris Rock “Nat X” bit, “The 108ers don’t wanna be around a Cubs fan with a bat”.

Here’s Nat X’s “Top 5 Reasons Brothers don’t play hockey”:

  • Reason #5: It’s cold out there.
  • Reason #4: They scared to get their gold tooth knocked out.
  • Reason #3: Don’t want to be around white guys with sticks.
  • Reason #2: Don’t want to be around a white guy with a mask.
  • …and the #1 Reason Black Guys Don’t Play Hockey: Don’t feel the need to dominate yet another sport. 

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3 – White Sox Hawaiian Floppy Hat

Ugh.  Hawaiian?  Know how many White Sox fans have been to Hawaii? Like 32.  And half of them were on their honeymoon so they didn’t even pay for it.  You know where floppy hats are popular?  Yep, up NORTH. Eff those guys.  Now, I have a couple floppy hats because of 2 reasons. 1 – I am a fat guy who sweats alot.  The hat comes in handy on hot as fuck days in the sun.  I guess only one reason, that is the only reason it is acceptable to wear the hat.  You will NEVER see a 108 floppy hat.  Fucking never.

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4 – Weather Day

Why? Fucking why? They drag all these kids out there under the pretense of watching a baseball game.  But then Tom Skilling shows up and starts lecturing them about the sun, moon, clouds, yada, yada, yada. Did any of you see Tom when the eclipse happened?  Dude was speechless and he cried.  Straight up cried with some hippie in southern Illinois at a campground.  The hippie hugged him too, it was lovely.  Had there been a double rainbow, Tom would have needed to change his pants.

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5 – Dog Day

This is always a fun day for most people, but BeefLoaf wants some pussy.  “Equal rights for pussy!” he’s always yelling.  TWO goddamn Dog Days not a single day for the cats.  We in the 108 are very pussy friendly and we respect the pussy, best recognize.  BeefLoaf has the best cats as they stay the fuck away from everyone except one of them, Cappuccino.  “Cappi” seems nice enough but for years I have been warned about his assholeness, so I stay the fuck away.  Pinky seems cool, but that cat is young and all over the place.  And there is one more that you never see and therefore he is my favorite and I have no idea what his name is.

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So there you have it, a rundown on the most recently announced 2018 promos.  For my Christmas gift from the White Sox, I’d like to see Yoan Moncada and Tim Anderson bobbleheads.  Maybe a Giolito and Lopez bobble too!  I know Timmy sucked it up last year but the guy needs one.  Yoan is a no brainer.  Maybe an old player too, like Ron Karkovice.  Ok, ok, I know I am asking for a lot of bobbles but half of them will be special releases, so yeah, no worries you’ll still get a shitty hat that doesn’t fit us fat head folks.

-MySoxSummer

Big thanks to 4 of our fans for braving the cold and their shyness to come up to me and #WallyMoney at the White Sox Holiday Sale.  It was one for the ages.  Enjoy your free #JerseyDemolition shirt and make your friends buy one for the LOW LOW PRICE OF $20 SHIPPED. Yep, shipped to your door.  Go here to buy one!

 

Shohei Ohtani to the White Sox!?!?!?

Good day friends, it’s your pal BeefLoaf here.  As you might imagine, the 108ers are eagerly awaiting Giancarlo Stanton and Shohei Ohtani finding their new destinations as it is gumming up the works of the rest of the 2017 Hot Stove.  Once those two are done, then we can see what shrewd moves our White Sox are going to complete.  So, I was surprised when friend of the 108, and long-time TEAM CHORIZY proponent @NotRickHahn dropped an assignment in the 108ers lap.  He asked us to “handle” the Shohei Ohtani questions.  For those not in the know, Shohei Ohtani’s management team sent around 7 questions for MLB teams to answer.  Why are we getting this assignment? Two reasons.  1. @NotRickHahn likes crushing churros and making deals, he don’t like questionnaires. 2. The White Sox have the least money possible to offer Ohtani, now this may not make that big of a difference, but let’s face it, there’s very little chance he’s coming here anyway, so why have your big money people working on this? Why not have some season ticket holders that may or may not be hitting the eggnog a little early, handle it?

Here is the list……

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I tried to enlist Chorizy-E to help me with this task, but when we got to question #1, he went all Barbara Billingsley translating in Airplane, so I realized we really couldn’t use it. We are racially and culturally sensitive here at the 108 and we can’t have any of those types of shenangians.

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1. Evaluate Ohtani’s Talent as a Pitcher and as a Hitter

Answer: We’ve really only seen video of you playing, but you’re a terrific player.  I hate to insinuate the motive for a particular question, but I think what you are really asking here is, will we let you hit in addition to just pitching for our club?  The answer to that is…FUCK YEA!  You see our last full-time DH was this guy 悪い

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Before that, was this guy 悪い

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and now, some people want us to play this guy at DH again this season…..悪い

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So obviously, you can hit anytime you aren’t pitching or prepping to pitch.

2. Explain Their Player Development

Answer: 

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3. Medical Training and Player-Performance Philosophies

Answer: Oh, this is an easy one……for overall health, we have this healthy looking guy manning the ship.

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And specifically for your arm health, we have this fine specimen on the case.

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108 Fun Fact – Our very own MySoxSummer owns this actual jersey.

 

Lastly, we have the best food of any stadium on the planet, so you’ll get plenty of calories to nourish your growing body.

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4. Description of Minor League and Spring Training Facilities

Answer: Let’s face it, you won’t ever see any of those minor league stadiums assuming you stay healthy and with the super healthy dudes I mentioned above, I don’t see how that isn’t a lock.  Our Spring Training facility is shared with the LA Dodgers, so you know its gotta be pretty cool.  Also, I heard that there is an Indian Casino not that far from the facility.  Not that I am insinuating that an asian fella like yourself might fancy gambling, but just know it is there if you need it.

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5. Resources for Ohtani’s Cultural Assimilation into Their City

Answer: First thing to know about America is that people here think all Hispanic people are Mexican and all Asian people are Chinese.  And….OH SHIT!!  The ballpark is RIGHT NEXT TO CHINATOWN!  And before you say San Fran has a better Chinatown, you’ll probably only be making like $20 million a year, so you’ll be priced out of San Fran and have to live in Oakland.  And as far as other asian influences in our town just wait, what with all of the nail salons and massage parlors.  You know, I can’t say I have actually tried this, but I have heard that these massage parlors allow you to put a $20 bill up in addition to your massage fee to let you “see what happens” if you know what I mean.  Given your signing bonus with the White Sox, you’ll have 15,000 $20 bills, so you know what that means.

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108 Pro Tip – Happiness is a place for food, not fun, DO NOT TRY THE $20 TRICK HERE. If you ever need a police officer, you can find one here 24-7.

6. Vision for How Ohtani Could Integrate into the Organization

Answer: Look, we have lots of good clubhouse guys, but every team is going to tell you that, so we have gone the extra “length” it takes to sign a big boy free agent like yourself and we are re-signing Mr. Clubhouse, Juan Uribe.  No, he doesn’t speak Japanese, but this mutherfucker speaks the language of FUN!!!

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7. Tell Ohtani Why Their Team is a Desirable Place to Play

Answer: Chicago is a very fun place to live, except for all the violence and the terribly cold winters and the political corruption and the high taxes…..but otherwise, its a very cool place to live.  Besides, you don’t want to go to LA, you saw what they did to Nakatomi Tower.

DieHardNakatomi

– BeefLoaf